And lo! there didst riseth up a dark star in the east, and a great plague of misfortune and famine and a spot of rain didst passeth unto the land, and the people didst plainteth and lamenteth...
...for the name of the star was...
I T A L I A...
And so the Lord did forsaketh the tribes of Erin, and didst turneth his attention to the fair and goodly tribes of the Angle, the Chav, and the Visichav... and lo! a great moaning and a-wailing was aheardeth afoot in the verdant plains of the estates of the Councils of Anglicum. News of the threat from the east hadeth spreadedeth thusly, and all across the land were much a-moaning and a-groaning and a-quaffing of WKD and chicken tikka masala, and the people were sore afraid...
And so Sir Trevor of Brooking and the Kaiser Hodgson known as Roy didst gathereth the assembly before the sacred rock, saying:
"Lord?! Lord?! Forsaketh us not, o Lord! Helpeth us in our struggle against the accurséd mediterranean devils!! Gird thee the loins of the Walcott! Breathe ye at least a tiny bit of nous into Wayne of Rooney's head! And failing that, o Lord, tell us, whitheron shalleth we putteth our money on in the quarters on?"
And the Lord didst answereth thereon: "Take up thine goodly bank credits! Lift up thine bounteous sacks of paper! And go ye to the good house of William, he-who-is-known-as-Hill, and anointeth him with thine promissory notes, as ye shall emerge victorious from the fight against the Romans, by three strikes to none!"
But the people didst muttereth and mumbleth amongst themselves, saying: "Lord! Lord! Send us a sign, o Lord! That we mayest know that ye speaketh the truth! We doth not wish to endeth up like the lost peoples of Ukrainia, doth we, o Lord?! Ye didst playeth a naughty goal line trick uponst they goodly yonder tribes, didst thou not?! Tell us, o Lord, we beseecheth thee! The truth! The truth!"
And the Lord done sayeth unto them: "Have no fear, thou canst verily trust in me, for I bull****teth ye not..."
But the people were sore a-papping it, and there were a-mutterings and a-groanings aplenty across the land... and so they took out their false idols of the old gods, and then they taketh up one of their tribe, lasheth him to a tree, and spreadeth he of the legs and...
" 'Ere, Dad, come and have a look at this !" said Thor, lounging on a chaise longue in Valhalla...
"What is it, son?" asked Odin, looking up from his parchment...
"Come and have a look, Dad!!" chuckled the God of thunder. "It's a right laugh!! It's that new magic waterpool, that Alberich installed, you know, the one where you can see what's going on down on Earth!! Come and have a look, Dad... it's hilarious!!"
Odin lifted his vast frame wearily out of his throne, and shuffled over to the side of the pool. "What's going on, son ??" he asked the powerfully-built God of thunder.
"You see that lot, Dad?" replied Thor. "Well...they're the tribes of the Angle, the Chav, and the Visichav, and they've gone on a raid to the east...see?"
"Yes, I see..." replied Odin. "..but which part of the Orient, exactly?" enquired the chief of the gods...
"I don't know, Dad..." replied Thor. "Somewhere east of the big sea, Dad...or west of the big sea, Dad, depending which way you go, Dad...I was never that strong on Geography, Dad... you know, Dad..."
Odin looked slightly fearful. He bade the thundergod to continue: "Go on, son..."
"Well..." said Thor. "They've been having a bit of trouble staying on their feet, and one or two or twenty-three of 'em have been suspected of masquerading as professional footballers... and now they've gone and blagged it to the quarters, and they don't have much faith in that new God of theirs, so they're sacrificing one of their own men, you know, to Him, you know, to ask for His help..."
"By the sacred blood of the Nibelunge!" cried Odin. "But whom be they sacrificing? Speak, man, for the love of Freya, speak!"
"Rio of Ferdinand, Dad..."
"Those CHEEKY B*******!!" screamed Odin. " K*** ME!!! God!! WHAT A D****** INSULT!!!! God!! I've a good mind to go down there myself, this very instant, and blast the whole lot of 'em to Kingdom Come!! God!! Sacrificing Rio of Ferdinand, indeed! Whatever is the world coming to?"
"Well..." replied Thor. "They're not EXACTLY sacrificing him, Dad..."
"What do you mean ?" asked Odin, uncomprehendingly.
"Well, have a look, Dad..." said Thor. "Just there, look... see? They're only sacrificing a BIT of him, see? Not the whole thing, Dad... see?"
Odin looked in astonishment at the picture that had formed on the surface of the water.
"By the fabled halls of Asgaard!!" he exclaimed. "They're only cutting one bit of him off!! Those cheeky v**s!! That settles it, son... they've really got my goat now, son! I'm as mad as hell, son ! And I'm going straight down there, now, son!! Right this minute, son!! Boy!! That really makes my blood boil, son!! How dare they?!!! Only sacrifice PART of a human being?! Those tight o*****s!! Right son, let's go right now and sort them all out! Come on son, get your hammer...
..and just by the way, son.." added Odin. "Which bit of him are they cutting off?"
"They've already done it, Dad.." sighed Thor. "They've cut off his sense of equality and fairness, and made him feel totally ********less, Dad! And all his family too, Dad! And all his friends too, Dad, and the ones he doesn't even know he has, Dad!"
"Hmmmm.." brooded Odin. "Who are the Albionistas playing in the quarters?"
"The Romans, Dad.." replied Thor.
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" screamed Odin in delight. "That's that sorted, then.."
(My Dad's a complete moron) thought Thor.
"I m******** heard that!" growled Odin.
