Greek Comedy

I don't really know whether to run with this so I'd appreciate some honest views [it'll save me wasting precious time when I could be masturbating furiously.] It's meant to be a radio play and I've only included one page because reading more I know can be tedious. Ho hum.

Greek Comedy
By
Roscoff

[Zeus all powerful deity. Flawed. Likes the world of man in general but is losing his marbles. Artemis and Hermes are his sidekicks.]

Opening scene

[Sfx- snoring. Enter Hermes and Artemis whispering.]

Hermes: Oh gods, he’s fallen asleep again.

Artemis: Hermes, I told you not to let him eat all that meat. You know what he’s like. He’ll be farting all afternoon and he’ll just start changing his mind again.

Hermes: The mortals have no idea what we have to put up with. Homer never bothers to say ‘and by the way the great god Zeus ate nine pounds of meat and farted all afternoon’. And it’s not even the hurricane season.

Artemis: They don’t know how lucky they are.

Hermes: Mind you, there is death.

Artemis: Yeh, death. Bummer.

Hermes: You wouldn’t want to be locked in the same room as Hades for too long now would you?

Artemis: Rather that than Poseidon.

Hermes: Only because you've got a fish allergy.

Artemis: He’s waking up.

[Sfx Zeus waking up.]
Zeus: [yawning] Artemis, Hermes. Where’ve you been?

Hermes: Just following your orders your omnipotence.

Sorry - not quite with it.

I think it needs a few more obvious gags.

I wrote a sketch once about Odysseus returning but nobody understood it.

This could well go the same way!

Here it is.

You need to make it clear that it is Zeus asleep at the beginning as the listener won't know who they are referring to. Also you need to have Hermes mention Artemis' name too.

The real tragedy is using a vast chunk of rain forest to write it on.

I think Roscoff does the name checks quite well. Not obtrusively. It seems clear that the snoring indicates the extra person under discussion which is revealed elegantly to be Zeus. Plus, Zeus provides the name check for the two talkers at the end.

I think writers often rush to put names to dialogue too quickly into a scene / opening and it can produce jarring dialogue. When people are talking in real life, names are hardly ever used. When a name check is performed in writing the unusualness of it can really intrude and break the illusion, so the consumer is now aware they're listening / watching / reading fiction.

So well done on that, Roscoff, but the subject matter is iffy due to the sadly now obscure references. Plus farting gags usually work better when 'done' rather than talked about imo.

I don't agree that names aren't used in real life. they are used all the time up north. This has been said on another forum too. I like to know who's speaking when I listen to radio

I know all about the Ancient Greeks, my field trip to Sparta left my bum raw, but I didn't find this funny to be honest.

I guess I must be listening to different parts of conversations, or having different ones.

For me, excellent writing involves giving name checks unobtrusively. In radio it's more important to have the names as faces can't be used to place who's speaking but I think that places more emphasis on devising interesting ways of passing over this info, rather than less. I think the need to splurge out the names of the characters in the opening lines is one way to quickly jolt the consumer from the 'action' on the stage in their mind.

In sketches I think the situation is even more skewed. Name tagging unless totally dependent on the gag or keeping track of a complex situation is virtually redundant. Relationships, social position, past story can all be inferred through what a character says and how they say it. In a visual medium, body language is especially good at instantly setting an implied backstory.

But it is all personal preference I guess.

I wonder if there's a 'rule' on this. For instance if I sent you my script, you wouldn't like it because of the names mentioned early, but if an editor who, like me, prefers it the other way...they'd accept it....but guess rules only apply to rejected scripts

SlagA I thought you didn't approve of copy and paste, If you believe that stuff, why did you tell us it was Bruce Forsyth before the viewer had a chance to become involved in the plot, hardly unobtrusive. I think it would have been more excellently written if you had introduced the character slowly, by perhaps, sticking the parcel tape to your head in small squares with a letter of his name on each bit.Thus extending visual body language and imlying back story of a previous life as a furniture remover.

Jerf can't you PM Slag if you have a point to make to him and not hijack threads.

I didn't think I was highjacking this thread, I was merely applying SlagA's hypothosies to the post. Did you read it? If you have a point to make, why not heed your own advice and PM me, or is your real intent to make mischief?

Back on topic - I like the idea of using Greek gods in a sketch. Portraying them as normal, perhaps grumpyish guys works for me, but there is a lack of actual jokes.

I wonder if it could maybe be expanded to make the Gods more like grumpy old men - they have great power and responsibility, but can't really be arsed to use it. Instead, they just focus on banalities.

Basically, I think you have an idea worth working on.