Underage Sex

INT. ED’S BEDROOM – DAY

FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ED IS SAT ON HIS BED WITH A GIRL, HOLLY. HE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

ED
I just wanna say these past two weeks have been amazing. And I can’t imagine how I lived before it was me and you, babe. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you make the happiest man alive. As I was lying in bed last night, I nearly cried. They were tears of joy, because I have you in my life. But they were also tears of sadness, because you were not by my side. But then when I remembered I would be seeing you today, they turned back to tears of joy.

HOLLY SMILES, EMBARRASSED. ED LEANS IN TO KISS HER, AND SHE KISSES BACK. ED PUTS HIS HAND ON HOLLY’S BREAST, BUT SHE BACKS OFF.

HOLLY
I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m not ready.

ED
Oh, come on. It’s a sign of our love. And everyone’s doing it now. I bet your best mate Lindsey is shagging Paul.

HOLLY
It doesn’t matter. I’m not ready.

ED
Don’t be silly. It’ll be fun. And I’m only doing it because I love you.

ED’S DAD OPENS THE DOOR AND ED LEAPS AWAY FROM HOLLY.

DAD
What’s going on in here?

ED
Nothing, dad. We were just talking.

DAD
Hmm...talking about what?

ED
Just music and that.

DAD
OK. Keep it like that. I’m going out in ten minutes, I’m sure you can wait that long before you get it on.

HOLLY
What?!

DAD
Do you need any Johnnies or have you-

ED
No, I’ve got some.

DAD
Good. Right, well I’ll leave you two lovers alone then. Remember, just give it ten minutes, alright?

ED
Yeah, no problem.

ED’S DAD CLOSES THE DOOR, AS HOLLY LOOKS PETRIFIED.

Haha! He's going to rape her .

I'm guessing you didn't mean it to be as sinister as that. The structure is nothing new and the subject is pointless.

I don't like being harsh so...

It's intended as a flashback in a comedy-drama I'm writing, so doesn't have to be terribly funny, but just develops the character that Ed has always been a knobhead....wanted to check it wasn't too lame a scene, thus the posting here.

Ah, a small paragraph explaining that would've helped. As a stand-alone sketch, I could see no irony in it, making it just a cold joke.

Can't Ed have a few more throwaway gags in his responses? It might raise the tone of it from the sinister thing Leevil mentioned. I agree it is a *little* dark (though admittedly less dark when I read it a second time and didn't omit '14-year-old Ed' at the beginning!)

Dan

Quote: Leevil @ January 24, 2008, 1:15 PM

Ah, a small paragraph explaining that would've helped. As a stand-alone sketch, I could see no irony in it, making it just a cold joke.

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Oh right OK, my bad. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that at all and then I could've got some proper good negative feedback, which is my absolute favourite - gives you great motivation to write more and write better when people are slating your work!

Quote: swerytd @ January 24, 2008, 1:16 PM

Can't Ed have a few more throwaway gags in his responses? It might raise the tone of it from the sinister thing Leevil mentioned. I agree it is a *little* dark (though admittedly less dark when I read it a second time and didn't omit '14-year-old Ed' at the beginning!)

Dan

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Ah yes, throw away gags...this is the perfect spot for me to use the "sex ed." joke....

Quote: charisma @ January 24, 2008, 1:18 PM

Oh right OK, my bad. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that at all and then I could've got some proper good negative feedback, which is my absolute favourite - gives you great motivation to write more and write better when people are slating your work!

View original

I like your way of thinking, no wait I don't - it's shit!

Quote: Leevil @ January 24, 2008, 1:19 PM

I like your way of thinking, no wait I don't - it's shit!

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Charisma, Autobiographical?? You had a stab at a contempory subject, which is exactly what Ed was trying to do. A good brave effort at something different. But it is a lot 'darker' than you intended.

PS Is Ed, really Tom Vine and Tommy Cooper the father, now that I'd like to see.

feckin pointless, and slightly sick .

ok , ok REALLY SICK!

It wasn't meant to be that sick....just make sure you know Ed is not a nice guy!

...maybe Holly shouldn't look petrified, just concerned?!?!

She says no, it's rape, Ed is much more then "not a nice guy".

How about him saying something like, "I won't love you, if you don't love me." Sorta thang, this'll make him a total prick, but not a rapist of an under age girl. Although technically that has to be some sort of rape? Why not have him call her fat or sommet?

Quote: Leevil @ January 24, 2008, 2:05 PM

How about him saying something like, "I won't love you, if you don't love me."

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Not bad at all, thank you. In a re-write, I'll make sure she leaves the room at the end so that it's clear he doesn't rape her! I honestly never intended to imply he did though...but I can see where the confusion came about haha. How about something like...

ED’S DAD CLOSES THE DOOR, AS HOLLY LOOKS PETRIFIED.

HOLLY
Look, I really don’t want to do this.

ED
You’re still not keen?

HOLLY
No!

ED
I won’t love you, if you don’t LOVE me.

HOLLY
I’m gonna go.

HOLLY GETS UP AND, PICKING UP HER HANDBAG, LEAVES.

ED
(SHOUTING AFTER HER) Frigid bitch.

Obviously thats just the first words that came to my head...but hopefully that'll make me seem less "sick"

Hard to imagine an audience having any sympathy for this Ed character. What are his redeeming features exactly? I mean what does he do when he's not raping?

There is no such thing as rape just assault with a friendly weapon.
Tom Vine/ Timmy Cooper 1456..BC