Car Park

I had this rejected by News Revue but added an alternative ending and sent it to Treason

CAR PARK

Scene a car park. A woman is just locking her car when a uniformed attendant comes up to her.

ATTENDANT : I hope you're not thinking of parking there madam.

WOMAN : I'm sorry?

ATTENDANT : That's a disabled bay I'm afraid. You're not diabled are you?

WOMAN : No. I'll park over there then.

ATTENDANT : I can't see your child.

WOMAN : My child?

ATTENDANT : That's mothers and children parking I'm afraid.

She looks around her.

WOMAN : What about over there then?

ATTENDANT : Are you a lesbian?

WOMAN : I beg your pardon?

ATTENDANT : That's gays, lesbians - oh and transexuals. Are you? (He peers at her closely) I'm sorry - have you had an operation?

WOMAN : How dare you!

ATTENDANT : Well you can't be sure these days.

WOMAN : So where can I park then?

ATTENDANT : What group are you?

WOMAN : What group?

ATTENDANT : Minority group?

WOMAN : I don't think I am part of a minority group.

ATTENDANT : In that case you'd better take your car and go.

WOMAN : You mean I can't park anywhere.

ATTENDANT : No - you should use public transport. (He stands back and looks her up and down). On second thoughts maybe you should walk. You could do with losing a few pounds.

The woman slaps him round the face and goes back to her car.

Scene closes.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING

WOMAN : On second thoughts I am a nudist.

ATTENDANT : Oh in that case we park over here.

I liked this. It's a nice look at the minority 'majority'. Perhaps he could call her bluff on being a nudist? She's fully clothed after all. Maybe it's her 'day off'? But the second ending has an unfinished or unexplored feel to it that may benefit from another rewrite.

It hasn't got the topicality to give it the edge over other submissions at News Revue or maybe Treason but I did enjoy it.

Thanks - I added the nudist bit because I understand it may give me the edge with Treason.

Yes, it will. I like the way you thought that one through. But I think it's Mark's part? Or rather parts.

Very good Dave. One of your naughty dreams again was it?

Quote: Charley @ January 23, 2008, 9:37 PM

Very good Dave. One of your naughty dreams again was it?

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Yeah - I thought of you when I wrote the overweight part.

Quote: David Chapman @ January 23, 2008, 9:02 PM

ALTERNATIVE ENDING

WOMAN : On second thoughts I am a nudist.

ATTENDANT : Oh in that case we park over here.

View original

Do we just see the attendants head throughout? Because you could perhaps pan out and get see the attendant fully naked (from behind obviously, we don't want to turn this into a cheap porn movie).

Quote: charisma @ January 24, 2008, 10:45 AM

we don't want to turn this into a cheap porn movie.

View original

Oh, yes we do.

What if Bruce Forsyth was the woman and Tommy Cooper the warden,

Charisma, I liked your punchline,

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 24, 2008, 1:54 PM

What if Bruce Forsyth was the woman and Tommy Cooper the warden,

View original

I was gonna question that, but by the time they reach his age even the women have moustaches, so I guess that'd still work.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 24, 2008, 1:54 PM

Charisma, I liked your punchline,

View original

Thanks Jerf, you've said some nice things to me recently...can we be best mates?!

I much preferred the alternative ending. I know you wrote it for the stage but I think it could work as a nice TV sketch. You could shoot it from the inside the car and reveal that the attendant isn't wearing anything below the waist. Bam! you've got yourself an arse gag!

I said nice things because I liked what you did.
I praise what I like, but do not critique stuff I don't like. I only critique silly criticism by critical critics.