KI: The third group match

FX: Crowd noise

Commentator: Not much has happened in this Euro 2012 match so far as we near half-time. TWO TIMING LOVE RAT picks it up near halfway. He passes to FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who quickly returns it. There doesn't seem to be anyway through and yes, I'm afraid it's going all the way back to SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY BUT THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT WELSH CHAPPY; HE'S PROBABLY THE NEXT FRITZL.

Out of the sidelines BORING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT BUT DEFO NOT A TAX EVADER seems to be giving out some hurried instructions.

The goalie rolls it out to RACIST FRIEND CUCKOLDER who offloads it to DRUNKEN ASSAULTER. He turns, knocks it into FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES who knocks a superb ball down the line to HORRENDOUS DIVING CHEAT. Oh, that's a lovely piece of skill to beat his man to the byline and he whips in a good cross and (beat) SHAMEFULLY OVERPRICED WIFEBEATER is there! but no, he holds it up and plays in AGING PROSITUTES (beat) AGING PROSITUTES scores!!

Oh! Doesn't it make you proud to be English?!

That's right on the stroke of half-time too. Game on. Now back to the studio where JUNKFOOD PEDDLING CRADLE SNATCHER is talking to NORTHERN MORON and BLATENT CLOSET CASE.

end.

(You know the one where something seems way funnier in your head? )

I like this a lot. Great angle.

Dan

And I liked this a lot. I might not appreciate all the references - but it's just how I imagine footballers to be! It works well as a monologue.
Thanks, Alison

I like the idea and the player/presenter descriptions a lot, but overall it needs to sound more like a football commentary IMHO. The vernacular isn't quite right.

Yes, very good.

The concept is not totally original but that worries me not one wit - cue Derek & Clive...

http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_02.htm

Brilliant!

I laughed out loud when I read it, it works pretty well as it is, I think.

Thanks all.

Granted, I couldn't get the commentator to sound right. Might tweak it a little.

Quote: Tuumble @ May 25 2012, 1:41 PM BST

http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_02.htm

View original

I must admit when I first read it I thought of the Derek and Clive horse racing sketch. It made me laugh though, and what's not to like about a sketch containing a player called FREQUENTER OF AGING PROSTITUTES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-3GBPqCQE4

From 2:05

oh wow. Gutted. And that it was that ginger sigh too. double gutted.

D'oh! Was a nice sketch too.

Is there some way you could take the references out of a commentray and put them in another sketch? (Think the player references are quite different).

My first thought would be kids in the playground swapping Panini Stickers (or Match Attax or whatever they call them these days)

That's a good idea, thanks. Might be able to salvage it.