Quote: David Chapman @ January 22, 2008, 10:53 PMPost it on here then
Ha - yes - agreed.
What are you doing to further your writing career? Page 2
What are you doing to further your writing career?
Sod all.
Waiting for an important call.
If it doesn't come, I'll move on.
So, nothing, is the answer!
Seefacts we should get together and do nothing 
Quote: David Chapman @ January 22, 2008, 10:53 PMPost it on here then
Well, as you asked so nicely...
I won't worry if you think it's crap because it is but there are a couple of lines that could be saved for something else.
RESTAURANT TOILET. INT. EVENING.
SHEILA IS IN THE LOO IN THE MIDST OF A BAD BLIND DATE AND IS PLOTTING AN ESCAPE.
Sheila:
Oh why did I agree to this blind date? 'Tall, dark and handsome with a tasty six pack' is what the advert said. I was all ready to introduce the owner of that description to the underside of my duvet. Bronzed Adonis? That's a laugh - no wonder he said he wanted someone with a sense of humour.
FX: TOILET FLUSHING, FOOTSTEPS, HAND DRYER BLOWING
Sheila:
It's no good, I can't hide in the loo all night waiting to see if he develops a personality. Where's the phone?
WE CAN HEAR THE BLEEPS OF THE PHONE AS SHE TAPS IN THE NUMBER.
Sheila:
Hello? It's Sheila - I need rescuing. (BEAT) Yeah, blind date with a blind drunk. Newspaper ad implied Brad Pitt but reality has dealt me a Johnny Vegas minus the sophistication. Can you come over? Cheers.
Woman:
Excuse me - is everything all right? I couldn't help overhearing...
Sheila:
Hmmm? Oh, yeah I'm fine. It's just that I've been, shall we say, misinformed as to what my date looks like this evening. (BEAT) Take a look at his picture.
Woman:
(SURPRISE) Ooo! Very nice!
Sheila:
Oh, but this isn't him - not strictly speaking anyway. He's had the photo doctored hasn't he. Those teeth aren't his for starters - they‘re not even the right colour.
Sheila:
(SIGHS) Better get back out there. At least I know the escape party is on its way.
SHEILA LEAVES THE TOILET AND RETURNS TO THE RESTAURANT. WE CAN HEAR SOUNDS OF DINERS TALKING AND THE TINKLING OF CUTTLERY AND CROCKERY.
Sheila (VO):
Right, where is he? Can't see him...
Sheila (VO):
(EXCITED)...but I can see an open door which looks way more attractive!
Paul:
(IN THE DISTANCE) Oi Sheila! Sheila! Over 'ere darlin‘!
Sheila (VO):
(DESPONDENT) Uuuuhhh!
Paul:
Our table's ready now - come and park yer bum.
Sheila:
(SARCASTIC) Oh, you’re too kind.
Sheila:
Tell me, where does this place keep its fire escapes?
PAUL SLURPS A DRINK AS HE TALKS
Paul:
Dunno - Why?
Sheila:
I’m very safety conscious. I like to know that I can make a quick exit should I need to.
Paul:
Don't you worry sweetheart - I'm here to protect you. The only fire you need worry about is the one burning in my pants! Woof!
Sheila:
(UNIMPRESSED) Hmmm, I hope you won't be offended if I don't warm my hands around 'your fire' will you?
Paul:
Shame. (BEAT) Still, the night is young - heh heh.
Paul:
I've taken the liberty of ordering for you. I've just asked for a few nibbles and a glass of tap water. We don't want you getting any fatter do we?
Sheila (VO):
Fatter?! You obnoxious git!
Sheila:
Oh, how thoughtful! What are you having?
Paul:
Steak.
Sheila (VO):
What?! Kind, considerate and generous your ad said! Pah!
Paul:
I must say Sheila that you are looking HOT tonight!
Sheila:
Er, thanks.
Paul:
Yeah, that’s quite a sweat problem you have there. I like it though - makes you look kinda ‘earthy’.
Sheila:
Earthy.
Paul:
Yeah. A free spirit. A woman of the world. Someone who’s been around a bit.
Sheila:
Tell me, has anyone ever told you that you have a poetic way with words?
Paul:
Nah.
Sheila:
I thought not.
WE HEAR A RAISED VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN”T HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID.
Rachel:
(OUT OF BREATH) Sheila, I got here as fast as I could.
Paul:
(IN THE VOICE OF LESLIE PHILIPS) Hello-o!
Sheila:
Shut up! This is Rachel Tomms from Trading Standards. She’d like a word about the content of your Lonely Hearts advert.
Paul:
Eh?
Rachel:
Paul Spencer, I am acting on behalf of Sheila Andrews who claims that your advert in ‘Sado Singles’ in last Thursday’s Chorlton Advertiser contravenes the Trades Descriptions Act 1968 and the Malicious Communications Act 1988 which prohibits the sending or delivering of letters or other articles with the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.
Paul:
You what?
WE HEAR A RUSTLE OF PAPER
Rachel:
For instance, you describe yourself as ‘A bronzed Adonis’. Tell me, is that your body you‘re sitting in?
Paul:
Of course it is!
Rachel:
Well, it’s not good enough. If you had presented yourself as dirty instead of bronzed we would’ve found that acceptable.
Paul:
Dirty?!
Rachel:
We also suggest you replace the term ‘Adonis’ with ‘A donkey’.
Paul:
You want me to describe myself as (BEAT) ‘a dirty donkey’?
Rachel:
Correct. Your whole advert is littered with inaccuracies....
Paul:
This is rich - what about her ad then? You’re not telling me she's a a size 12 - not unless she's referring to the size of her feet.
Rachel:
(UNBELIEVING) You said you were a size 12?
Sheila:
Er...
Rachel:
Weights and Measures Act 1985 - that's a CLEAR contravention.
Sheila:
Now just a minute...
Rachel:
You could also do her under the Misrepresentation Act 1967...
Paul:
Good!
Rachel:
No, sorry - that's only in Northern Ireland
Paul:
Oh…
Sheila:
You…you fart!
Paul:
Don’t you call me a fart!
Sheila:
No, I mean, YOU fart…
Rachel:
Ah, the Explosive Acts, 1875 and 1923...
Paul:
EVERBODY farts - it’s a normal bodily function
Sheila:
Yeah, but it would’ve been nice if you made more of an effort to, well…contain it.
Rachel:
Hmmm, that would come under the 1974 Control of Pollution Act.
Paul:
Ha! If we’re gonna talks about pollution what about that fragrance you wear! I didn't realise Sellafield had a perfume counter.
Rachel:
(COUGHS) Poisons Act 1972
Sheila:
Look, I’ve had enough of this - I’m leaving!
Paul:
Good! I just about to ask the waiter if I could order an oxygen tent!
Sheila:
Before I go there’s just one last thing I must ask.
Paul:
What’s that?
Sheila:
Some people are deluded - like yourself - and think that they are better looking than they really are but how on earth could you claim to have ‘a tasty six pack’? There’s enough blubber on you to keep an Eskimo family going all winter.
Paul:
Tasty six pack?
Sheila:
Yeah.
Paul:
I wasn’t talking about my physique you silly woman, I was talking about beer!
THERE”S A CLUNK AS SIX TINS OF BEER HIT THE TABLE. WE HEAR TWO RING PULLS GO
Paul:
Get yer laughing gear round that!
END
Am wirking on a sitcom called Purgatory. SlagA liked the concecpt, soI'll re-write it and see what happens.
Also have a vampire horror film I'm working on. Good stress relief because if anyone pisses me off during the day, I go home, write them into the script and have them killed in a most unusual way.
It's a hell of a surprose when I go in to work and find the people I killed the previous night are back in work!!!!!¬!
I've written a show, invested in characters being desgined got a team of writers on board and am now looking at agents to rep us.
Defo a hobby for me. I've been writing 2 months now. Maybe at some point i'll get round to submitting something although its not important at the moment.
I'm on the first page of a million page novel. Liz Anstee says she'll read it if the ice caps stop melting. wish me luck everybody.
Quote: Tuumble @ January 22, 2008, 11:32 PMWell, as you asked so nicely...
I won't worry if you think it's crap because it is but there are a couple of lines that could be saved for something else.
RESTAURANT TOILET. INT. EVENING.
Hi Tuumble, I'm not sure if you'll get much feedback with it being in this thread. I enjoyed reading it through and I could easily imagine these characters. I thought the bit where her friend comes in and quotes the Trades Description Act was excellent, maybe there I expected the two girls to flee the restaurant and tumble out onto the street giggling hysterically. You managed to create a vivid and still realistic scene very quickly with just a few lines, I liked it.
I don't have a career, only a carer.
I concocted a complex plan to murder at least 75% of Britain's comedy writers, in order to increase the likelihood of job opportunities coming my way. I was ready to go out and commence my killing spree one night, but I realised that Mighty Boosh was about to start on BBC3, so I watched that instead. At present, the plan is on hold.
Yeah Tuumble - as you said there are some good lines but the 6 pack was a bit obvious.
By the way when I said post it here I didn't mean HERE!
I meant start your own critique thread.
I just sent my sketch show to some geezer at some production agency. I picked the pic of the ugliest guy & told him I will throw in a BJ.
Fingers crossed eh!
Quote: Charley @ January 23, 2008, 9:25 PMFingers crossed eh!
Is that part of your technique?