Skit Comp 10 - 17.5.12

Ferocious wank so congratulations to Ishy for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

10 - 5 - Ishy
5 - 2 - Gappy
1 - 1 - Steve Sunshine, AngieBaby, Shirl the Whirl, JackDaniels2, Nigel Kelly
Special mention: Barry, Tuumble

Your new subject: NAMES (chosen by Gappy)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 17.5.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
10 - 5 - Ishy
5 - 2 - Gappy
1 - 1 - Steve Sunshine, AngieBaby, Shirl the Whirl, JackDaniels2, Nigel Kelly

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

[*cough]Can you check your league table please

I really don't understand the first sentence of the original post. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to, either.

It's Evan for me this week

MAD ON 'ER

A BAR.
TOM chats with DICK:

TOM 'Ere Dick, name your favourite celeb.

DICK (thinks) Dunno Tom.

TOM Mine's Madonna... In the eighties she did a bunch of cheap wanky vids that make Page Three look like Germaine Greer - 'Like a Virgin'? Hardly - and a whole generation hailed 'er a feminist icon.

DICK Result!

TOM Then she did a dirty squalid stroke book 'Sex' and in the midst of the worst recession in history a whole generation queued up all week to spend an inheritance on it instead of nicking a proper wank mag.

DICK Smart!

TOM Now she's touring and in the nadir of credit crunch a whole generation spends a year's rent to wait three months in the pissin' rain to see the back of her neck several miles away as she mimes twenty-year-old synthpap with no encore while her dancers do the work then spend the night in a hotel the size of a biro.

DICK Neat!

TOM Now she's funding education in Malawi so the next generation will be educated, intelligent and aware.

DICK But she's just withdrawn her support for that.

TOM Wonder why.

INT: Warehouse. Dave is mid 50s, Rupert is early 20s, student looking.

DAVE: Is it you n me stackin' these pallets then?

RUPERT: Looks that way, yeah.

DAVE: I'm DAVE by the way, mate.

RUPERT: RUPERT

(DAVE looks digusted and confused)

DAVE: Err

RUPERT: I'm RUPERT

(Dave looks more confused)

DAVE: Ruth?

RUPERT: No, Ru..pert. You know, like Rupert the Bear.

DAVE: OH! Reaper.

RUPERT: No, Rupert. Rooooo Perttttt. But call me Rupe if you like.

DAVE: Oh! I get it. Of course. Sorry.

RUPERT: No worries.

DAVE: Right, shall we get on. Anyway, did you see the news? Blacks, pakis, immigrants, taking our jobs, Diana? Never a goal, offside, blacks, indians, shouldn't be allowed, the war, blacks, pakis.....

Fade to black

CAPTION READS 'THREE HOURS LATER'

Fade in

DAVE: Immigrants, shouldn't be allowed, taking our jobs, pakis.

RUPERT: Uh huh.

Bell rings.

DAVE: Right, that's break time.

INT: Break room, crowded with people drinking tea

DAVE: Hey guys, this is Reece.

RUPERT: err. Hi Everyone, I'm Reece. Pleased to meet you.

[Early 20th Century committee, lots of respectable men with starched collars and moustaches]

CHAIR: Gentlemen, born though it is from the tragedy of the Titanic's loss, it is my pleasure to announce that our committee has completed its regulation of iceberg size. Our work, gentlemen, shall improve scientific communication, and consequently, maritime safety.

[Clapping]

As you can see on the printed handbills distributed, our new nomenclature moves from Very Large, for bergs over 75m in height, through Large, Medium and Small, all the way down to the Bergy Bit, or ice fragment. I feel that this universal taxonomical language shall revolutionise the - yes, what is it?

VOICE: Esteemed Chair, may I make a suggestion?

CHAIR: By all means, Sir.

VOICE: I don't really like the names. They don't seem instinctive, they don't trip from the tongue.

CHAIR: You intrigue me, Sir, pray, continue.

VOICE: Yes, so I say, call the smallest size, Tall.

CHAIR: Tall? The bergs are categorised by their height, I'll grant you, but surely calling the smallest Tall is misleading: and I fear, Sir, you are in danger of running out of comparatives.

VOICE: Aha! You say that, but I'm...not. The next ones would be Grande and Venti.

CHAIR: What? That makes no sense whatever, man. Your terms bear no relation. One means "large" in a foreign tongue, and the other is a word you made up that probably means "windy". I must politely reject your proposals, Professor Starbuck.

VOICE: No, but wait. Next we move, with perfect clarity, to Heavy, Dense, Deep, Slow, and Narrow.

CHAIR: Starbuck! Cease your infernal tittle-tattle! There is no scientific rigour to your thought, and this committee no longer acknowledges your presence. Good day! [Crowd jeers]

VOICE: Then I warn you, my children, and my children's children, and the entire future of my lineage shall work tirelessly to apply our unique vision of comparative terminology. I bid you good day! [Storms out]

CHAIR: Right, everyone: that's lunch.

............................................................................

[Another meeting, a little later into the 20th Century, very slightly more relaxed atmosphere]

CHAIR: Esteemed colleagues of the International Boxing Association, for too long our sport has been scuppered by unfairly matched bouts. Anyone will agree that a clear system of weight divisions is required who saw Larry "The Ox" Cantrell knock out Wee Pixie McGee at the Trocadero last Friday by sneezing at him. The time has arrived to reveal our new weight classes.

[Sheet pulled from a board listing the classes]

As you can see, after much debate, we have chosen a system that runs from Heavyweight at one extreme, to Flyweight at the other, incorporating such logical increments as Middleweight, Lightweight, and so on. This is a new dawn in the history of pugilism, and I for one -

STARBUCK: Your system is crap.

[Shocked reaction]

What happened to my suggestions? It's much better to use my names: Obese, High-Pitched, Bulbous, Ceramic and Brownish-Russety-Orange (Obese being the lightest, natch).

CHAIR: Starbuck, I thought we asked you to leave hours ago.

STARBUCK: Very well, but my children, and my children's children shall avenge -

CHAIR Yes, yes, so you always say. Go away.

STARBUCK: You're...you're a venti twat! "Venti" means "quite big", incidentally...

............................................................................

[It's later in the century once again. This time we are in a laboratory, where scientists in white coast are seated round a table]

GELL-MANN: Ladies, gentlemen! I have made an incredible breakthrough! All results suggest that my theory is correct: hadrons are constructed from smaller particles. I shall Christen these new sub-sub-atomic particles quarks!

[Applause]

There are a few different types, I wonder what I should call them...

STARBUCK: Professor Gell-Mann? How about different flavours? You could call them Up, Down, Bottom, Top, Strange, Charm and Mocha Frappuccino?

GELL-MANN: Brilliant names, Dr. Starbuck, and not stupid in the least! Bravo! But, alas, there are only six types of quark as yet.

STARBUCK: OK, I'll use Mocha Frappuccino for something else...although maybe not, it sounds a bit rubbish now I think about it...

INTCHURCH

A PRIEST STANDS HOLDING A BABY UNSIDE DOWN OVER
A CHRISTENING FONT

THE PARENTS AND FAMILY LOOK PROUDLY ON

PRIEST
I Christen this baby (stops) I Christen this baby (stops).... (Blurts out angrily) that stupid name that nobody will be able to spell...is it Kaysie with a K or Casey with a C, what's with using surnames as Christian names anyway? Time was, I used to look forward to putting on this crock, eh frock, and lightning candles and condemning the devil with his scalding forklift, and getting a few salmon pissed sandwiches down me afterwards.
Now I choke at the very trout...at the very thought. I have had it up to my eye feet with all the Jordans and Claytons dribbling in the holy water and defacing, eh, eh, defacat...ah, shitting their nappies within a centipede of my face.

THE CONGRETATED GUESTS LOOK IN STUNNED SILENCE

Quivering with suppressed rage, the priest lifts the baby up high, holding its arms out as in the shape of a crucifix, white booties dangling in the air. The baby gurgles, dribbling spit onto the priests head.

PRIEST
Why should I grit my posterior and clench my teeth...em, why should I squelch my forehead, and invite a cadillac arrest or a heart mumble. I refuse to utter any more stupid names in the name of all that is sacred in this leaky cunch, eh church.
Mason, Taylor, Baxter.....THEY ARE SURNAMES, YOU HOWLING PACK OF BICYCLES, EH, IMBICILES...
Crook, Mackenzie, Mackenzie Crook, there's a mouth full of manure right there.....Donovan, Cassidy, Dylan...THEY WERE DRUG ADDLED MAN WHORES OF THE SWINGING SIXTIES WHO NOW CAN'T EVEN STRING A CORROSIVE SENTENCE TOGETHER ...I wasn't always a man of the sloth you know so I should cocoa.. I should go go to the business of naming this child, so help him/her/Colin Farrell, er, God. (Struggles to compose himself)

Without further agadoo, ado, (turns to the parents) I Christen this baby.....?

Parents look at each other
(In unison)
John Paul

PRIEST
Bit plain but each to their phone.

I vote Gappy

Quote: Overlay @ May 17 2012, 4:09 PM BST

I vote Gappy

View original

Hold up Overlay, voting's not till tomm

Oh right. Not to worry. I'll edit it if I change my mind.

INT. DAY. COURTROOM.

JUDGE:
The case against Oge Coss is now in session. Oge Coss, what a rubbish name... Sorry lets begin.

BARRISTER:
Oge. May I call you Oge?

OGE:
Well that is my name.

BARR:
Or is it? Is it true 'Oge Coss' that your name is in fact Roger Cross and the only reason you dropped your 'r's is because you cannot pronounce them.

OGE:
No.

BARR:
And is it true that you sell drink in your off-license at illegal prices because you have crossed out all the 'r's on your drinks so that Carlsberg becomes 'Calsbeg', beer becomes 'bee' and spirits become 'spiits'.

OGE:
No

BARR:
And isn't it interesting that you have chosen your words so carefully that you have yet to say a word with the letter 'r' in it.

OGE:
I admit it is a little unusual but not am... a fact.

BARR:
Just there, would it not have been easier to say 'not true' there rather that 'a fact'?

OGE:
No. Even if you found that I cannot say it, it still would not am.... show that I am guilty of the allegations levelled against me.

BARR:
You see! [GETTING A LITTLE DESPERATE] Loads of times there he avoided using 'r's...

[LOOKING AROUND FOR SUPPORT] C'mon, this is ridiculous....Let's see...am what am...where...tell us...tell us...Just tell us the truth. The people want the truth!

OGE:
About what?

BARR:
Why did you not say 'the truth about what'? That would have been the obvious answer.
Now Mr. Cross I want you to say loads of stuff until a word with an 'r' comes out. Begin...

OGE:
No. This is nonsense. Must we continue with this silly game.

JUDGE:
You're right Mr. Coss. You may si...

BARR:
No, I know he can't say 'r'. I know it. Just give me a good few more chances to prove it.
Roger, make a seal noise. Make the noise of a seal...Go arf arf arf.....No? Ok bark like a dog. Do this: ruff, ruff, ruff.......grrrrr.......

Aw come on! Say rhinocerous...... Say rhinoculars?

OGE:
Rhinoculars?

BARR:
Yes. They are like binoculars but specifically used for spotting rhinocerous.

JUDGE:
Thats it! He said it! Rhinoculars starts with an 'r'.

BARR:
Ok Roger. Say a couple of more.

OGE:
Rhubard, rhythm..

JUDGE:
You see, there we have it, concrete proof.

BARR:
Hold on. You are just saying words that begin with 'rh'.

OGE:
Rhine.

BARR:
Now are you saying 'Rhine' as in the river or the name 'Ryan'?

OGE:
The name.

BARR:
Damn it!

JUDGE:
There you go. I find the defendant Oge Coss innocent of all charges.

OGE:
B'illiant! Absolutely b'illiant!!

EVERYONE STARES ACCUSINGLY IN HIS DIRECTION.

END.

Ryan -

Have you heard? John Cockshott's gone and changed his name by deed poll!

Steve -

What? Old cockie? My trigger-happy friend? Disaster - what are we going to do for laughs now? What's he changed it to?

Ryan -

Christopher Cockshott!

A MEXICAN IS SITTING WITH A COWBOY IN OLD WESTERN BAR

Carlos:
You have saved our village & the lives of many Women & Children, we can never hope to repay what you have done. But please now after all this can you finally tell us your name.

Cowboy:
That's nice! No'one bothered to ask before It's Frank.

Carlos:
Your Cowboy name is Frank? Is that because you are honest & forthright?

Frank:
Oh I see! No my real name is Frank, my Cowboy name is The Pretty Fast Kid:

Carlos:
But you were very fast! I've never seen anyone faster.

Frank:
Well you haven't seen that guy over there.

Carlos:
Who's he?

Frank:
They call him the "Faster than the 'Pretty Fast Kid' Kid"

Carlos:
Now that is fast

Frank:
He's like a snail compared to that guy sitting at the table.

Carlos:
Who's he?

Frank:
He's the one known as "The not quite as fast as 'The Very Fast Kid' Kid"

Carlos:
He's not even a kid

Frank:
I know, it makes a mockery of the whole name.

Carlos:
So I guess that the Very Fast Kid must be the fastest in town.

Frank:
Almost but not quite. There's one man who is without doubt not only the fastest in town but perhaps the fastest ever seen

Carlos:
You don't mean?

Frank:
Yes the man they call the "Faster than the Faster than the 'Very Fast Kid' Kid Kid"

Carlos:
And where is..?

Frank:
He's running late.

INT: A LARGE OFFICE. AMY IS INTRODUCING NEW JOINER GEOFF TO THE DEPARTMENT.

AMY:This is Paul, Kamal, Simon, Lynn, Sonya...

GEOFF:I'll never remember all these names.

AMY:Why not?

GEOFF:You know what it's like, being introduced to loads of new people in one go, it's a lot to remember.

AMY:Just refer to your notes and you'll be fine.

GEOFF:I didn't think to take notes.

AMY:No, nobody does, but don't worry I'll show you a shortcut.

GEOFF:I love shortcuts, what is it?

AMY:Go to the Intranet and select 'I'm an idiot'.

GEOFF:Yes.

AMY:Then 'I don't listen', and from the drop down select 'Because I'm so
important'.

GEOFF:Gee thanks Amy. What does that do?

AMY:It adds you to my 'List of People I F**king Hate'.