yeahthat's no co incidence..that's what I was aiming to do, try and make people talk the way a lot of people can relate too! but changing te topic, I was on TV doing the congo!!! haah
15 year old's pilot Page 2
I'll start by saying that Callzum's advice was some of the most constructive I've read, you'd do well to take that on board.
Ditto the spelling and getting the correct word useage. BBC Writers Room is good for script formatting and reading scripts, or sitcom writing books, should help you get a better feel for what you're doing.
I too only read a few pages before giving up but since you're so young and have got the courage to ask for feedback I'm happy to chuck in my thoughts.
I'd say you really need to find out who the characters are before you do anything further with the script. Make sure their relationships and reasons for conflict are clearly defined. I didn't get this at first but it seemed that the characters were on holiday. Don't just say bar, you need to let people know where it is, type of music playing, what are the customers wearing, help the reader understand your setting. That brings me to another concern, what is your setting? Sitcom is about characters who are trapped in their situation week aftrer week, series after series. If they're permanently on holiday, is it too much like Benidorm to ever get commissioned and, therefore, are you wasting your time?
If not, then what is the situation? OK, I've just skimmed the rest to see if it became clearer, it didn't. Bar, hotel room, airport, car. It's difficult to see where this is going.
If this is the episode where they meet, then maybe you should decide where they will be week after week, series after series, and write an episode there.
The characters all sounded the same. A good thing to try is to cover up the character name and read the line and see if you can tell who said it.
It may be better to introduce differences in the way they speak. Maybe one is posh and his parents don't like the working class new best mate. Different voices and opportunity for conflict.
I have to dash out so I apologise for being sporadic.
Once you know the characters inside out, start by plotting the scenes out. Only write the script when you know what happens in each scene.
In essence, it was pretty awful. Congratulations for writing your first awful script at 15. Sadly I was twice your age. Don't give up writing but do consider the commercial aspects too. Is it similar to something already out there and if so, who will make it. And if not, why hasn't anybody done it before?
Best of luck.
PS give up now, you'll thank yourself in the long run. Only kidding.