Sketch Comp 30.6 - 6.5.12

Particularly thorough wank so congratulations to Gappy for winning again. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please. Again.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

10 - 9 (!!!) - Gappy
5 - 2 - Otterfox, Steve Sunshine (welcome back you skit heavyweight)
Special mention: Shandonbelle, Ishy, Tuumble

Your new subject: THE NEW JOB (chosen by Gappy)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.5.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Otterfox
2 - 25 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 24 - Gappy
4 - 23 - Shandonbelle
5 - 10 - Ish
6 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Nil Putters, Tuumble, Steve Sunshine
7 - 3 - Craig H, Shirl the Whirl
8 - 1 - Nodz

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

MARATHON MAN

LIVING ROOM.
Fat SLOB in front of telly, beer in one hand, fag in the other.

TELLY We invite viewers to participate in the London Marathon...

SLOB Ah bugger off will you? Look at me, I make Jo Brand look like Victoria Beckham...

TELLY All proceeds go to the starving in Africa...

SLOB So bleedin' what? I'm starvin' mate, ain't 'ad a kebab for three minutes.

TELLY You will improve your physique...

SLOB F**k it, if I get a face-lift they'll need a friggin' industrial suction pump...

TELLY And receive a trophy to treasure for always.

SLOB Me get a trophy? Get atrophy more like...

TELLY The finishing line will be manned by Billie Piper...

Slob leaps up, starts doing exercises.

INT. HOME. LIVING ROOM.

WOMAN:
How did your new job go honey?

TOWN CRIER WALKS IN TO LIVING ROOM RINGING BELL:
Oyez! Oyez! I declare that the first day of my new job has been marvellous.

WOMAN:
I'd rather you didn't bring your work home with you dear.

JOB INTERVIEW. OFFICE - DAY. A JOB INTERVIEW IS IN PROGRESS.

HR: So why do you want this job?

INTERVIEWEE: I see it as a great opportunity to progress my career with a professional, forward-thinking company. From the research I've undertaken, the business is clearly well-respected in the industry and I want to be part of its future success.

HR: I see...and the real answer?

INTERVIEWEE: My current job sucks and I need the cash.

HR: Excellent! Someone who speaks his mind - welcome to the firm!

INTERVIEWEE: Thank you.

HR: I'll set up your induction meeting for next Monday...

INTERVIEWEE: That's great!

HR: ... and your disciplinary hearing with your line manager on Thursday.

INTERVIEWEE: My what?

HR: Basically he's an arse. This is why I'm already penciling you in for a doctor's appointment on Friday where you will get signed off for stress.

INTERVIEWEE: Stress? I haven't even started yet.

HR: Just a precaution...but your life is gonna be hell.

INTERVIEWEE: But...

HR: Tell you what, let's kill all the birds with one big rock shall we? I'll set you exit interview for Wednesday week by which time you will have decided that this job is just as crap as your last one.

END

[BOSS leads MALCOLM into open plan office. They walk through it as the sketch continues]

BOSS: Welcome along, Malcolm. Now, your desk shall be over in the corner, but I'll take you the long way round so you get to meet some of your new colleagues. For example, this reprobate is Geoff.

GEOFF: Hello, there.

MALCOLM: Hi.

BOSS: Geoff is in charge of accounts, he's the man to talk to about any financial info you might need. Always got a spreadsheet at your fingertips, eh Geoff?

GEOFF: For my sins!

BOSS: Haha! He's a great colleague, actually, Malcolm, always happy to help out. Geoff, perhaps you could talk Malcolm through our record keeping systems tomorrow.

GEOFF: Happy to lend a hand. Oh, but hang on, not tomorrow.

BOSS: No?

GEOFF: [Mouthing words] Full moon.

BOSS: Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. OK, Geoff will help you out next week, Malcolm, he shan't be in for a few days. So, anyway, if you want to walk this way...

MALCOLM: Sorry. Pardon me, do you mind if I ask about the...err...I thought he said "Full moon"...

BOSS: Oh, right. Well, Geoff, do you mind if I...?

GEOFF: No, go on. It's no secret, really. I just don't normally tell people straight off because some of them can be a little...you know.

BOSS: Well, Geoff here is a bit of a...sort of a werewolf. No real harm done, but he does have to take a few days off each month to do his, err...

GEOFF: Hunting.

BOSS: Hunting. Howling. Running with the pack. That sort of thing. Now anyway, we can't stick with Geoff all morning, the rest of the crew will be jealous! Here's Agnes, she runs our European desk: Agnes, this is Malcolm, joining us today.

AGNES: Hi, Malcolm. The bossman here not raising too many eyebrows with his tall tales, I hope!

MALCOLM: Well, actually, he did just say that Geoff was a -

AGNES: Yeah, classic. Anyway, best I tell you before anyone else does: I'm a ghost.

MALCOLM: Ghost?

BOSS: You know: ghost, spectre.

AGNES: Revenant spirit of a deceased soul, yeah. Not a big deal, but [tuts] you know, I can't touch anything [looks down at hand holding pen]. Most things. Alright with stationery, oddly. You'll hardly notice.

BOSS: Yes, old Agnes is pretty much the trooper. All she needs is a day off every so often to, err - what was it?

AGNES: Visit my graveside for re-energising.

BOSS: - and she's right as rain. Right, moving on. I would introduce you to Steve, the cleaner, but he only works nights. He's a vampire. Good man all the same.

MALCOLM: It's not all that clean in here, though.

BOS: No, well, he can't go near running water, so it's a bit tricky. Ah, and here's Juan Carlos, who is our admin assistant.

JUAN: Morning. You the new boy? Don't worry, we'll look after you, amigo.

BOSS: Juan is a banshee.

MALCOLM: A banshee?

BOSS: Yup

MALCOLM: A mythical Irish woman who screams when death approaches?

JUAN: [Steely] Yes. That's right, Malcolm.

BOSS: Yes. It's not a drastic issue, but every now and then when one of the older clans in county Cork is due a bereavement I give Juan -

MALCOLM: A few days off, yes I get it. Tell, me are there actually any non-supernatural entities working here?

BOSS: Well, listen, Malcolm, don't embarrass yourself. There are any number of spooks, allegories and folklorisms leading perfectly normal lives today: haven't you seen any of the TV shows? You can hardly go to the pictures without seeing a vampire, it's common nowadays. We live in enlightened times. And I have to say you should be ashamed of your outdated opinion. I mean, take Clarice over there: she's a - sorry, Clarice, I've forgotten what you are again

CLARICE: A bunyip.

BOSS: That's right. Bunyip: legendary Australian giant swamp beast, now I remember. Well, look at her, you'd hardly know.

MALCOLM: No. No, you really wouldn't.

BOSS: And she's a cracking little worker, so long as I give her a few days off a month to reconsecrate the mummy's tomb, we're all fine. Word to the wise, Malcolm, you'll need to be more open-minded here.

MALCOLM: Yes, I'm sorry. Hey, it's your office, and I just hope I can fit in. I'm sorry if I was critical about the way you do things, not my place to judge.

BOSS: No problem, Malcolm. Well, here we are at your desk, I'll leave you to get settled in. Is there anything you need?

MALCOLM: No, I think I have everything . [Begins unpacking bag]

BOSS: Err, what's that?

MALCOLM: Oh this? My prayer mat. I need to take just 60 seconds to pray every now and then, it's just part of my religion. I can go outside if it's preferable.

BOSS: You want the moon on a bloody stick, you people.

Int: Pub. Three newly rendunded males - Mike, Matt and Malc sit at a table planning their future:

MIKE: Got any ideas?

MATT: Yeah, loads.

MALC: Like what?

MATT: Like I'd love to shag the barmaid.

MIKE: Yeah, who wouldn't - but cut out the crap. We gotta come up with a plan. An idea. A business, something that'll make our wallets smile with all the notes.

MALC: Howabout this. We divvy up our dosh and the one who uses it best gets to be the boss. Then we can have a board meeting and use our capitalistic success to not only finance the project but it will also
provide us with a very useful bit of know-how, too.

MIKE: I got eight quid.

MATT: I got 50p

MALC: Well, with my six fifty that means we each got a fiver to do our best with, right?

MATT: F**k me. I've made a profit already, and you two are losers. Let's make me the boss now and stop f**kin' about.

MIKE: Ha f**kin' ha. OK, let's meet here next week and see who's done what, and figure what we gonna do.

ONE WEEK LATER:

MIKE: I turned my fiver into ninety quid. Could've been more but I kept the risks to a minimum.

MALC: Bloody Hell, that's brilliant, I only managed to make fifty seven quid. What about you, Matt?

MATT: Seein' as I've got the balls for it I went the high risk and very, very high return, route.

MIKE & MALC; How much?

MATT: I still got the fiver, but it coulda' been millions. Some f**ker in Kent won it. Bastard. Still, I got the money back, din't I?

MIKE: OK, so that makes me the MD and Malc's the deputy MD.

MATT: What about me? What's my job?

MIKE: You can be our business sex advisor.

MATT: Sex advisor? What's that, then?

MIKE: When we want your f**kin' advice we'll f**kin' ask for it.

I have never entered this competition before so I thought I would give it a go with a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQ88hZ7icQY&feature=youtu.be

PETER IS BEING INTERVIEWED FOR A NEW JOB:

INTERVIEWER:
Hello there Mr. Gentleman. Tell me............

LONG BEAT.

PETER (confused):
Tell you what?

INTERVIEWER WRITES SOMETHING DOWN IN HIS NOTEPAD.

INTERVIEWER:
Oh dear. What is the case?

PETER:
T-the case?

INTERVIEWER (hastily):
The case, yes the case. What is the case?

PETER:
The case of what?

INTERVIEWER:
The case of juice on the floor by the wall near the door by the window of the office. What is the case?

PETER:
Juice case. A case of juice?

INTERVIEWER:
It doesn't count now, I've already told you. Stolen leopards if you please.

PETER (UTTERLY CONFUSED):
Am...what?

INTERVIEWER:
Stolen leopards! Begin...

PETER:
Aah...ahem...

PETER BEGINS TO MAKE UP A SONG.

PETER:
Stolen leopards.... by the sea, by the sea....there's one for you and one for me, pick up another and that will make three....singing this song and slapping my knee.

INTERVIEWER LOOKS VERY IMPRESSED.

INTERVIEWER:
Ohh ho ho hoo. Very Peter, very very indeed. One each and one spare, that is lovely. Now where are the leopards?

PETER:
I-it was just a song. I made it up.

INTERVIEWER:
Oh dear again.

INTERVIEWER SPEAKS ALOUD AS HE WRITES.

INTERVIEWER:
Oh no oh no, oh dear oh no and one more...oh no no no.

HE LOOKS UP AT PETER AGAIN.

INTERVIEWER:
Falling time, wet dust, sea saucers; finish the flafferton.

PETER:
I don't... what....

INTERVIEWER:
Think about it, wet dust, sea saucers, ost...ost... finish the word ost...

PETER:
Ost?

INTERVIEWER:
Almost there....ost...

INTERVIEWER STARTS DANCING BEHIND PETER APPEARING BY HIS LEFT EAR AND THEN HIS RIGHT REPEATEDLY.

INTERVIEWER:
Ost! Ost! Ost! Ost! Ost! Come on! Bring it on home to me! Ost! Ost! Ost! Ost! Ost! Ost!

PETER(RAGE BUILDING):
Ost..rich to f**k!! A f**king Ostrich!!

INTERVIEWER (TAKEN ABACK):
Oh my. Well, well, well..... Well now that's knocked me for sixes and sevens. I think I have to sit down. I need water.

PETER BRINGS HIM A GLASS OF WATER FROM THE DESK. THE INTERVIEWER HOLDS THE GLASS IN HIS HAND BUT DOES NOT DRINK IT.

INTERVIEWER:
Ah that's better - water-wise. Not taken aback-wise though, I'm still reeling.

PETER:
I'm sorry. It just slipped out. What kind of an interview is this anyway? I mean it's completely mental. I thought this was an interview for sales not a f**king audition for a Salvador Dali painting ..... oh f**k I said it again.

PETER LOOKS AT THE INTERVIEWER AND HE IS NOW CONVULSING.

PETER:
Oh no! I'm sorry. What can I do?

INTERVIEWER (LABOURED BREATH):
You can't do anything.......the milk is at the equator.....I-I-I must wait for the ointment hour......what time is it now?

PETER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH BUT IT BEGINS TO MELT ALA DALI'S 'THE PERSISTANCE OF MEMORY'. HIS EYES SCAN AROUND THE ROOM BUT EACH CLOCK HE LOOKS AT BEGINS TO MELT.

END.

A Young Girl, clutching a passport approaches the gates
of a rundown building. She checks her paperwork, puzzled.

A scoundrel-looking Man, meets her at the gates.

MAN
Hello, we spoke on the phone, right?

YOUNG GIRL
(broken english)
Yes, I'm here to start. Today's my first day.

MAN
I see, I see.. Come this way.

The Man leads the Young Girl through the gates.

Young Girl makes nervous chit-chat.

YOUNG GIRL
This is has always been a dream job of mine,
ever since I was young...

MAN
Eh..?

YOUNG GIRL
When the head trafficker said the job was working
in a sweet shop I couldn't believe my luck because
when I was a ----

The Man opens up the doors of the building:
Inside are forty tables. Behind which, sat working
on sewing machines, are many tired, overworked and
hungry looking Children. They stitch 'London.2012' badges onto
leather footballs and handpaint little 2012 mascot figurines.

TOM
How about, in the background, sort of more of a hum really, you have
'Why don't ya get back into bed, why don't ya get back into bed, why don't ya get back into bed, why don't ya get back into bed, why don't ya get back into bed, why don't ya get back into bed' then, boom... 'Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 3 - Hammersmith Palais, the Bolshoi ballet, jump back in the alley and nanny goats'.

GEORGE (sighs)
It's a bit long.

TOM
Alright, maybe,...'We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher'. Everyone knows it's Brixton.

GEORGE
NO, no, no...

TOM
'Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station, every Friday night'? romantic yet informative.

GEORGE
It won't work, that's not what...

TOM
I got one for ya...'As we kissed and said goodnight, A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square' - 'nearest station Bond Street'.

GEORGE
I though you said you had experience of working for London Underground?
You're only supposed to fill in the station name on the announcements...

TOM
I fibbed. Brand spanking new, but I used to be a professional quizmaster...speciality - Daa daa...Song Lyrics, no money in it though.

GEORGE
Right. I can tell it's going to be a long night.

Three hours later

TOM
Ok, I've got the best one yet...'A' Bomb In Wardour Street', how about that?
actually, no, perhaps not...

GEORGE
For f**ks sake, I can't take any more of this.

TOM
Just one more how about...

GEORGE
Down In The Tube Station At Midnight - 'I've got a little money and a take away curry, I'm on the way home to my wife'
See ya.

INT. AN OPEN PLAN OFFICE - DAY

A BOSS stands in front of three of his staff - EMMA, ALAN and JOE. There are some balloons taped to the wall and three greetings cards on the boss's desk.

BOSS
...and I'd just like to thank all three of you for making me feel so welcome. Really looking forward to working with you... although I've heard a bit of a rumour from the last guy.

There is some good-natured chuckling from the staff.

ALAN
Oh yeah? What's he been saying?

BOSS
Just a warning really - tells me you're a right bunch of practical jokers, and that he wouldn't be surprised if you had some sort of welcome gag in store for me.

EMMA
I'm sure we don't know WHAT you're talking about, boss!

The Boss smiles.

BOSS
Well, you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out, let me tell you. Now, let's get to work, troops!

He takes a seat behind his desk while the other three sit at their own desks and start working on their computers.

The Boss arranges his stationery and adjusts the height of his monitor. He reaches for a desk drawer, only to stop when he hears Joe giggling.

The Boss pulls his hand back from the drawer and the giggling stops. He reaches for the handle again and all three of the staff have to fight back the urge to laugh.

A big grin spreads across the Boss's face.

BOSS
Aha! You're not going to get me that easily! Like I say, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to...

A HOWLER MONKEY drops from the ceiling and knocks the Boss to the floor. From behind his desk we hear his frantic screams as the frenzied monkey attacks him.

The staff laugh. Joe and Alan exchange a high-five.

Two doctors are in a hospital clinic.

Doctor Clarke -

Ah, you must be the new boy!

Doctor Scrimshaw -

Yes, first day today.

Doctor Clarke -

You've done all this before though, haven't you?

Doctor Scrimshaw -

Oh yes, four years at the City Hospital.

Doctor Clarke -

You're used to all the knob jokes?

Doctor Scrimshaw -

Oh yes, all the little pricks, and how do you circumcise a whale?

Doctor Clarke -

Send down four skin divers! Oh yes, you get to hear them all. You'll be fine here.

Doctor Scrimshaw -

So what happened to the last circumciser?

Doctor Clarke -

He was a bit short-sighted. He got the sack!

1. INT OFFICE. A MAN (GREG) WALKS INTO A RECEPTION AREA. HE SEES THE SECRETARY PUZZLING OVER A COUPLE OF PHONES

GREG:
Hello. My names Greg Peters. I'm new today.

SECRETARY:
Wow what a coincidence, me too. (beat) Hey, you're not a newly hired computerised phone systems expert are you? This is the fifth time I've phoned the cat's home by accident. All I want to do is set up voice mail.

GREG SMILES, SHAKES HIS HEAD. THE SECRETARY LAUGHS AND SMILES BACK.

SECRETARY
Shame. Nevermind. I think the main office is upstairs, you may as well pop up.

FADE

2. INT OFFICE STAIRCASE. GREG FINDS AN ELECTRICIAN FIDDLING AROUND BY A LIGHT SOCKET. THERE IS A BANG AND HE GETS THROWN FROM HIS STEPLADDER TO THE FLOOR. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD, DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN AND STARTS CLIMBING THE LADDER AGAIN.

ELECTRICIAN:
Hells bells. Not the best way to impress on your first day. Still as my lecturer used to say, won't be the first time I get a near fatal electric shock and it won't be the last.

GREG SMILES NERVOUSLY JUST BEFORE THERE IS ANOTHER BANG AND THE ELECTRICIAN GETS THROWN OFF AGAIN.

ELECTRICIAN:
God almighty. It's ok, nothing burst. I'm fine. I'll give it one last go once my sight comes back.

FADE

3. INT MAIN OFFICE. GREG FINDS A MAN (DAVID) SITTING ON THE FLOOR SURROUNDED BY NETWORK CABLES. DAVID SEES GREG AND PUTS ON A BIG BROTHER GEORDIE ACCENT.

DAVID:
Day 1, new IT manager completely f**ks the network up and in a blind panic tries to rewire everything. He's now sweating an unbelievable amount and has spent the last time minutes breathing into a paper bag.

GREG LOOKS SHOCKED AND TRIES TO WALK PAST HIM. DAVID GRABS HIS TROUSER LEG

DAVID:
All jokes aside mate. With the amount of truffles the wife gets through I really need this job. You've got to help me before the boss arrives.

GREG TRIES TO PULL AWAY AND NOTICES A WINDOW CLEANER OUTSIDE. THE WINDOW CLEANER IS SHOUTING AT SOMEONE

WINDOW CLEANER:
I don't care if you are new today, you know how to hold a bloody ladder don't ...

THERE IS A SCREAM AND THE WINDOW CLEANER CRASHES OUT OF SIGHT.

GREG
Oh my god. I'll call for an ambulance.

GREG RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS, PASSES THE UNCONSCIOUS ELECTRICIAN WHOSE TROUSERS ARE ON FIRE. HE RUNS INTO RECEPTION TO FIND LOTS OF PHONES RINGING. THE SECRETARY IS IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM CRYING WITH HER HANDS OVER HER EARS. HE RUNS OUTSIDE FISHING OUT HIS MOBILE AND GETS KNOCKED DOWN BY A TAXI. THE TAXI HAS L PLATES ON IT, AND THE DRIVER DASHES OUT OF THE CAR HOLDING A MAP IN HIS HAND

FADE

4. INSIDE AN AMBULANCE. A PARAMEDIC IS HOLDING THE TWO PADS OF A DEFIBRILLATOR IN HIS HAND. HE APPEARS PUZZLED, AND LOOKS OVER TO HIS COLLEAGUE WHO JUST SHRUGS.

PARAMEDIC:
I've no idea mate, it's my first day too remember. Try one on his face and one on his balls.

A NEW EMPLOYEE IS CALLED IN FOR A CHAT WITH HIS BOSS

Boss:
You seem to have settled in Ok Philip? I know that these lot can be a bit of a handful. The crazy gang I call them.

Phillip:
Haha yes, they seem a really nice lot. Very chatty & friendly.

Boss:
Well that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about, I'm not really happy about all the chatting going on in the office, frankly I think it needs to stop! And the sooner the better.

Phillip:
Really? Is this a joke? People like chatting, and I suppose as long as it doesn't affect their work. It's good for the office morale surely? .

Boss:
Oh sorry, you misunderstand me, I must have sounded so heartless just then. How funny.
No of course I don't want everyone in the office to stop chatting, just you!

Phillip:
What? I'm the only person not allowed to talk?

Boss:
Of course you're allowed to talk! As long as it's exclusively about work, relevant to work at the time & it's not enjoyable to you in any way apart from residual job satisfaction.

Phillip:
May I ask why?

Boss:
Is it work related?

Phillip:
Well of course it is!

Boss:
Ok then yes go ahead

Phillip:
Why?

Boss:
Because I want to hear what you have to say.

Phillip:
No I mean why am I the only person not allowed to partake in chit chat? Am I boring or something.

Boss:
Phil mate, the fact that you are quite boring has very little to do with this. The thing is that this company prides itself on our office banter, and we didn't employ you for that, we employed you for your invoicing & filing skills and believe me you have those skills in abundance. Apart from your invoicing which I haven't checked yet.

Phillip:
So I'm not allowed to partake in any banter whatsoever?

Boss:
You've seen how good these guys are! Tim with his funnies, Sandras review of last nights telly, Maureens Journey in

Phillip:
As fantastic as their banter might be, I'm sorry but you can't discriminate against someone just because they're new & their daily banter isn't quite up to scratch. To be honest Boss I feel like handing my notice in right now..

Boss:
And miss Maureens story tomorrow?

Phillip:
Damn! You drive a hard bargain..

A WOMAN IS DELIVERING A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION

WOMAN:...and that is why you should employee me. Are there any questions?

INTERVIEWER:Yes. Were you aware that you were holding a cushion across your stomach the entire time?

WOMANid I? I'm sorry I don't even realise, I guess being out of work so long has made me a little self-conscious.

INTERVIEWER:We're an equal opportunities employers, and we have a shortage of chubbies to meet our quota so you should sail through to the next round.

WOMAN:That's a weigh off my mind

INTERVIEWERo do you have any questions for us?

WOMAN:Yes, what are your maternity benefits?