Train Station Quickie

Your feedback, as appropriate, please:

EXT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM - EVENING

A frantic, busy train station platform at rush hour. A packed train alongside, passengers getting on and off through the open doors. An ELDERLY LADY arrives in a mix of stress and befuddlement, hauling luggage awkwardly with her. She is visibly encouraged to see a RAILWAYMAN on the platform, multi-tasking his way through his duties, whistle in mouth and fluorescent "table-tennis bat" in hand.

ELDERLY LADY:
Excuse me... the next train to Horsham?

RAILWAYMAN:
(Nods)
Just a minute love.

The RAILWAYMAN shrills his whistle and ensures the train doors are closed before it pulls off. He checks his watch and looks up at the changing destination sign.

ELDERLY LADY:
Horsham?

RAILWAYMAN:
You just missed it.

ENDS

Hmm...
Well, ok. I found it a bit weak. If either of them was a repeat-character it might work better. It would also work better as a little set-piece within a sitcom. On its own, I'm not sure it flew.

Think I know where you're coming from Badge. It would be ok in a series of sketches around the same theme. Ie people getting pissed off at a railway station. It would also be in the actors performance [which you can't write] to make it work.

Yeah, in a series of sketches I think it would work better. If you have something invested in the character/s to begin with.

No, it's definitely a stand alone.

Cheers for the feedback though.

Punch-line, The place you got to before you were really ready, or it escaped on the train.

Thanks for the bump!

What is this, badge? There's no joke.

I like it. It's gentle/misunderstanding comedy. No-one is being malicious, which makes a change in today's comedy age.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ January 23, 2008, 10:12 AM

I like it. It's gentle/misunderstanding comedy. No-one is being malicious, which makes a change in today's comedy age.

Dan

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What's more malicious than deliberately tormenting old women?

He's not tormenting here. He tells her the train is 'Just a minute' and she misunderstands him. Nothing malicious there, is there?

Or am I missing the point completely?

Dan

I read it as the railwayman deliberately holding her up until the train departs.

Badge?

I read it as a silly old sod who should have read the timetable. I think the RAILWAYMAN should have stuck the nut on her and shoved her onto the track.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 23, 2008, 11:29 AM

I read it as the railwayman deliberately holding her up until the train departs.

Badge?

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That's what I read.

I read it the same way too, and thought that it was better suited as part of a sitcom. There's definitely a theme in there to be explored further.