This is my first ever pilot, as ive previously said im 15 and I have started writing a comedy with a dream of maybe one day it being on the TV. I want as many people as possible to read it, and to give me some advice; positive/negative. obviously don't just give it negative because I said you could. ha ha
here it is : http://pdfcast.org/pdf/down-to-earth
have fun and enjoy :-)
callum x
Hi there Callum 
I only read half of your script, but here goes, well I have just turned 17, and got interested in writing comedy at 15, same age as you, and also my name is Callum, a bit of dejavu there lol.
Anyway here's some constructive criticism, First your spelling is diabolical, you definitely need someone to check you work (My spelling was terrible and still is patchy as well) and your format is hard to read.
On the comedy front, well its just very crude, do people really talk like that? All the swearing, it was a bit like a BBC 3 disaster. Maybe other people might be better here but I tend to write Mainstream comedy and find swearing rather a cop out, unless it is part of the way they talk.
Also here are a few tips and hints I have learnt along my way, thanks to numerous producers, including David Croft before he sadly died.
- First make sure you have a interesting plot, in a believable situation with characters the audience can care about. (Only Fools and Horses, Porridge)
- Second, try and define your characters, the way they speak, react with each other and in different situation, think Dads Army, not many jokes, but fantastic reactions and situations. Characters are very important, They can be monster Like the Bucket women, or get up and goers 'Del Boy' or people who would risk there life for there country 'Captain Mannering' there is no set rule.
- Third, Original situation, your idea is full of stereotypes, (which I hate, but that could just be me). Try and think out of the box, and make sure you use the key ingredient in comedy, Conflict, every single successful comedy has had conflict between either the Main or Secondary characters, the conflict can be about anything Class, Outlook, Politics, Entrapment, embarrassment etc, but remember there has to reason why these characters stay together, or people will wonder why one of the Characters just doesn't leave. Also as funny as it sounds you don't need a script crammed full of gags, lots of comedies just make you laugh at the Characters reaction to one or another, 'Dads Army' again 'Keeping Up Apperances' etc It depends on your writing style it could be easier for you too do or a lot harder.
But don't be down heated by my criticism keep trying, I looked back at my first script I wrote 2 years ago and it may have been funny but there was no plot and the characters were boring, since then I have written 8 separate sitcom pilots and have been told I have massively improved on the first, to be honest your first script will always be crap, the same with all the great sitcom writers, you have just got to keep at it.
Also I recommend you use CELTX for formatting it is free and works perfectly.
If you want to read my first script I don't mind drop us a line, and you can have a good laugh (or not as it maybe) at my first attempt
thanks a lot for that, yeah I knew and to be honest, it was going to be bad, its the first thing ive ever written, and the spelling isnt the best either haha, and to be honest ive got the plot lined up, in my head, I just find it difficult to get on paper to be honest, but thanks a lot for your advice!
and personally, I do believe its rather believable, everyones met someone at the most random place, and end up being good mates. this is only meeting someone in a bar, and going home with them, nothing else, and gavin and stacey is full of stereotypes, and how successful is that, that was my aim anyway regarding that department, and the swearing I always think makes it funny, emphasises the situation the characters are in!
also, the way I was planning on creating humour, is dave has a temper, and karen and daves relationship, and, john and paul are just oblivious to their surroundings, and don't care what they do/say in public
I will also reply.
It's horrible
Please don't let that discourage you because all on here who have tried to write a script have also made horrible incoherrant messes with their early attempts.
Learn how to format a script properly. Know the difference between 'there' 'their' and they're, grammar and spelling is important if you want someone to read it.
Your characters appear by magic and I couldn't tell the difference between Fred Bob or Alice. They all had the same voice.
Because of these faults, I too didn't read beyond page 3 or 4.
But for all that, it had a certain charm. So the idea and interactions were not too bad. I got the feeling that YOU knew each character but you need to let me know who they are.
Re-draft it with more precise scene setting and character definition - not to mention a plotline and it might improve beyond recognition.
Don't be disheartened by my comments - you can only improve.
i do know the difference, its just I wanted to get it done due to impatience, and I wanted some people to read it. not quite sure wat you mean by "characters appear by magic" and "they all had the same voice" and I thought I did format a script correctly? but thanks for the "certain charm" brought a smile to my face. think ill wait till a few more people comment, and will try and work on re writing. but am still a bit confused with not being able to tell the difference between fred bob or alice ha. as ive said, I have a good idea in my head, but find it hard to put it on papaer. thanks
thanks a lot! im still a bit confused with what you mean by the second from last point "re draft it...."
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ May 6 2012, 12:37 PM BSTLearn how to format a script properly. Know the difference between 'there' 'their' and they're, grammar and spelling is important if you want someone to read it.
Sound advice...
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ May 5 2012, 11:57 AM BSTThe other night I had the weirdest dream.
I dreampt I was eating a giant marshmallow
and when I woke up
My flatmate had is cock in my mouth
typo's and dyslexia will be the downfall of me.
Quote: Chunk @ May 6 2012, 5:33 PM BSTI thought I did format a script correctly?
No, take a look at the BBC Writersroom website, they have example scripts on there.
stephen, can you explain further what you mean regarding the characters and plot please?
BillWill is giving away copies of his ScriptWriters Toolkit somewhere on this site.
You should get hold of it.
Formatting is one of those 'dull but important' things you just HAVE to get at least half-way right.
Currently what you have is pretty well unreadable.
Which is a waste of your talent & ambition.
Quote: David Bussell @ May 6 2012, 6:19 PM BSTSound advice...
It was clearly a cockney cock, David. Dialect don't ya know!
Write this doesn't work; too much swearing, no jokes, no characters and it's all tell not show.
I'd dump this and start over.
Look at how scripts you like actually work.
Hey you
So happy you have found what you want to do at your age.
When I was 15 I was bursting a baby out of my Hoohaa so hat off to you my lovely.
The advice you have been given is fab and fair. No point in me adding to it.
Crack on with your dreams my lovely, get better at what you are doing and bloody well done for trying, for landing here and good luck. Xxxxxxxxx
not gonna scrap it, no point. would rather develop it and keep at it, I know it can work, just need to keep at it and improving and getting little tips on the way, and thanks charley! x
I was at Upton Park on Monday afternoon for the playoff, I'd say that's pretty much what everyone there sounded like.