Comedy Drama Script - Scenes 1-3 Page 2

Hi Steve

Thanks for you comments, much appreciated.

And thanks for yours too Enzo I'm glad you are enjoying this. I am going to post some more soon but I'm tied up with something else at the moment.

Baumski & Enzo, rest assured you would never guess what the package contains, it is certainly not anything obvious though it has already been hinted at.

Cheers one and all.

B

Quote: Blenkinsop @ January 2, 2007, 2:34 PM

Thanks Paul and Swerytd for the comments.

I'm heavily involved in re-writes with this, as the positive reaction has rekindled my belief in the project.

I'm at a tricky bit at the moment that needs heavy editing and condensing down - from like about 12 pages to 3-4. (Serious overwriting has been going on in the past) I think that a year or so writing sketches has taught me brevity but I don't want to lose a key element of the story so it's proving tricky.

Will post more soon

Cheers B.

View original

I wish I could over write I normally end up short a few pages.

and looking forward to reading more

Quote: paul watson @ January 17, 2007, 4:23 PM

I wish I could over write I normally end up short a few pages.

View original

You're just gifted in brevity!

Excellent, glad to hear the package is mysterious - it gives you a whole new set of plot possibilities -

what's in the package?
why does the bookie want it?
why does he want the band to carry it?
What is it worth?

Hey just a thought, how about a line like "And no peeping boys....it's for my eyes only, ok?" Which you JUST KNOW will not only have the characters itching to find out what's inside but the viewers too.....

Bumped to highlight new content

Hey Blekinsop

Scenes 6-12 are very good! Same as before: well written, coming on nicely, easy-to-read and fun to get into. The characterisation of the main characters is excellent, especially Hamilton.

Enjoying it immensely. Keep going.

Dan

Blenkinsop,
What are the odds like of me reading this and not being offended?

-Kyle (note my location)

Thanks Dan

Kyle the only thing to offend you here would be the writing. I've steered well clear of politics

Hey Blenkinsop

To be honest.... I'm practically un-offendable, and I'll shoot anyone in the knee caps that argues with me on that point ) I was just messing with ya man, 'cause I thought the script would predictably take a trip down Paramilitary lane - which of course it didn't.

I have finally got around to having a quick read through your submission so far. The dialogue is very believeable and I feel the "comedy drama" tag certainly suits the gag ratio and general feel of the script.

I won't lie to you, my reading of the second half wasn't as thorough as the first and the beer is really kicking in with me now (and here was me trying to avoid N.Ireland stereotypes) but was scene 6: Int-Pub Music Event set at the Shabeen in Cork, the place where the stolen religious icon was to be picked up by Billy and the byes ("byes" is how Belfasters pronounce "boys")? If so, you should make that clearer, if not, ditto. If so, why was there no reference to the illicit cargo, which seems to be the most important element of "the heist" and isn't Hamilton setting himself up for guilt by association by a) being at the hand over venue; b) becoming band manager?

As I say, I could have missed something that answers my questions, if not I hope I've said something constructive.

all the best,
-Kyle

Hi Kyle

No it's not the Shabeen. It’s B’fast bye.

There are two strands to this story. One the pick up of the cargo, the other is Hamilton wanting to legitimise some of his business interests so he decides that music promotion is for him and decides to practice on Billy's band. Hence his meddling at the gig in Belfast

The pick up and reveal of what the cargo actually is and its significance happens in the next few scenes as the action shifts to the tour and that part of the story.

Both threads tie up at the end and your confusion (understandable at this stage with what’s up there) is only because I haven't posted the relevant bits yet. Once it is all done then you will see where the story is going as it will hopefully all become clear as they say.

Though perhaps I should identify the location of the music venue in the slugline for scene 6

Thanks for the read and your comments and there will be more going up in the next week or so when hopefully all will become clear.

All the best

B

I look forward to seeing more posted Blenkinsop, it's turning into a very enjoyable read.

Sorry for the confusion over the gig, I'm sure it was my (and the beer's) fault.

-Kyle

Bumped from the dark and distant past.

Here's another old one of mine. I put it up here about 2 years ago. It's the first thing that I ever wrote (8-10 years ago) and although it has failings I still like it and I keep meaning to re draft it and tighten it up.

I've put it up really as there are lots of new faces round here at the moment and feedback either way would be of benefit.

In this state it was placed on the development slate of an Irish production company and pitched to several programme makers but as they say...that's where the story ended.

There's a fair bit to get through so thanks in advance anybody who sticks with it to the end. Last time it was well received on here but that was then...this is now.

If the cut and paste has buggered up the formating I'll fix it as I go along and apologies to any old hands who've seen it before.

B

First time I have seen this, I enjoyed it. Very good flow, credible dialogue and the humour pitched right. Good luck with it.

Oddly enough the changed political climate in N. Ireland could work to its advantage if the current situation (and the problems with it) is reflected in the script.

Very good, gripping stuff and the unknown package is sure to keep it that way throughout. Know nothing of gambling so was worried it would be set in the shop at first, but then really captured my attention.

Thanks for the positive comments Timbo & Rob0