Good work Garry.
More substance to that draft, enjoyed reading it and didn't see any flaws with anything, thought your characters and situation seemed solid.
Feedback on Tabloid Pilot Script in Progress Page 2
Quote: JackDaniels2 @ April 13 2012, 8:45 PM BSTGood work Garry.
More substance to that draft, enjoyed reading it and didn't see any flaws with anything, thought your characters and situation seemed solid.
I'm glad you felt that it has improved, thanks again for the second read Clarence.
http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Smear-2nd-Draft-COMPLETE.pdf
I've went away and read a lot about plotting and writing in general, and I thought it'd be fun to rewrite what I had before moving onto something new.
I took a month or so away from the script, and I came back to it quite ashamed that so much of it was so low-key and just offensive, so I've taken a lot away.
Take a look and see what you think.
Im very curious to see changes and will give it read tomorow.
Hi Garry,
Good news: it was entertaining enough to keep me reading for the full thirteen pages.
The dialog was nice, realistic. I don't know how accurate it is as an "insider's" look at tabloid papers, mind, as I haven't worked on one. I decided to knock my budding journalism career on the head after being a writer for my university magazine and newspaper; I just found that too many journalist types are, well, wankers. Incidentally, that combination of wankerishness, bright-eyed-idealists, and the tension as people try to avoid selling out their prinicples is well done in your piece.
So, I don't know what more to say. A lot of the lines were good (Good news, there's been a stabbing in Govan; Soleros (how long did it take you to choose the ideal sounding ice cream, by the way?); I'm firing your voice, and so on). The dialog was realistic-sounding. You had just the right amount of camera directions and acting directions without being too much (perhaps cut a couple of "BEAT"s, though). It didn't seem amateurishly written. All-in-all, a good bit of work.
Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 8 2012, 3:15 PM BSTHi Garry,
Good news: it was entertaining enough to keep me reading for the full thirteen pages.
Thanks for checking it out, Bryan. I'm glad that you managed the full lot (that's an endorsement in itself), and I appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback.
Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 8 2012, 3:15 PM BSTThe dialog was nice, realistic. I don't know how accurate it is as an "insider's" look at tabloid papers, mind, as I haven't worked on one. I just found that too many journalist types are, well, wankers. Incidentally, that combination of wankerishness, bright-eyed-idealists, and the tension as people try to avoid selling out their prinicples is well done in your piece.
It was because of this, that combination you mention, that I thought it'd be a good subject for a sitcom. I really love a great 'at odds' character, and I'm trying to build up that internal moral debate, and to provide a bit of logic to any bad decisions.
Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 8 2012, 3:15 PM BSTA lot of the lines were good (Good news, there's been a stabbing in Govan; Soleros (how long did it take you to choose the ideal sounding ice cream, by the way?); I'm firing your voice, and so on). The dialog was realistic-sounding.
Thank you. I'm not really a "funny guy" per se, but I'm a huge comedy enthusiast, so it's great to hear that you thought some of the lines were well written.
Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 8 2012, 3:15 PM BSTYou had just the right amount of camera directions and acting directions without being too much (perhaps cut a couple of "BEAT"s, though). It didn't seem amateurishly written. All-in-all, a good bit of work.
I've been trying to remove the camera and acting directions as much as possible with each rewrite, and you're right about the BEATs too, they need to go. That's something I'm working on. I'm an absolute novice at this, and I'd like to make sure that those kind of directions are only present when it's unclear how a line should be delivered.