INT. KITCHEN - DAY
SARAH
All finished?
STEVE
Yup.
SARAH
You didn't have any problem with the skirting boards?
STEVE
Oh no. It was pretty straight forward in the end.
SARAH
So that's...£300?
STEVE
Yeah. Thanks. Right, where's your knicker drawer?
SARAH
Sorry, what?!
STEVE
Where's your knicker drawer?
SARAH
I don't understand...
STEVE
(ENUNCIATING) Ou est le knicker drawer?!
SARAH
Why are you asking?
STEVE
Christ, not again! You didn't read the small print did you?
Steve takes out the contract from his back pocket.
STEVE
Look right here at the bottom. "On completion of agreed works, to an acceptable standard, the workman is entitled to one wank, or sex act of equal value, in the owners' knicker drawer".
SARAH
A wank?! In my knicker drawer?!
STEVE
Yes. It says right here, just below your signature.
SARAH
I would never have signed it if I'd seen that!
STEVE
Yes, but you did. So as I was saying, where's the knicker drawer?
SARAH
Is there not some alternative arrangement we could come to?
STEVE
I'm listening.
SARAH
What about...the back garden...in a flower pot?!
STEVE
No. It has to be inside the house.
SARAH
Well, how about...you do it in the downstairs lavatory and then bleach the toilet after yourself?
STEVE
No. I like to feel some synthetic fibres on my gentleman.
SARAH
Oh Jesus. Well, what about...the dog basket?!
He ponders the suggestion briefly.
STEVE
What do you think I am? An animal?!
END
