First ever attempt, constructive feedback needed.

First of all lets clear something up, just so there is no lingering doubt in the room...Yes I do realize that I am of a below average height, some may even say vertically challenged, in fact I almost had to climb on a chair to reach puberty. Unfortunately I just happened to have been born in a time where the human race is getting progressively taller and taller, 1000 years ago id have been prime basketball material! However, I do find that there is a few advantages of being this height, for example, through my extensive research I have found that the taller you get, the uglier you get. Know obviously there are the exceptions to this rule, but if you really think about it, its true, prime examples include jaws from James bond, big Arnie Schwarzenegger and of course Peter Crouch who even admitted himself that if he wasn't a footballer, he'd be a virgin. All this research would of course be useless to everybody unless I came up with an explanation as to why this is true....and I think I may just have found it! It has nothing to do with science and has everything to do with ...Doorframes, I can honestly say that I have never had the misfortune of walking into one...all you tall people out there practically live in fear of the things! No wonder your f**king ugly when your that tall, your face would take a pounding on an almost daily basis and that would definitely eradicate any good looks that may have been there in the first place!

Your first attempt at writing for standup you mean? It's good that you've written about yourself (if it's you!) as that's one way to get a rapport with the audience. It would need to be performed really though, as reading it alone isn't enough to see how it would be received by an audience.

yes this is my first attempt at writing stand and I appreciate that the only way to really know is too perform it, but I thought by sticking it up here I might get some non bias analysis. and yeah it is about me. cheers.

Get up on stage and try it out, you'll never know until you do.
There's plenty of clubs for open spots in Scotland, The Beehive in Edinburgh do a good night for beginners.

Markaroni the voice of the beehive.

It's got to few jokes in it and they're rather over egged.

It also reads abit to heart on your sleave

But iut flows well enough and definitely has a theme. I think sit down and generate some more jokes.

Advantage shortness= looking up tall girls skirts, hiding under tables when the the pubs kick out, standing under tall people when it rains, head butting tall people in a scrotum in a fight.

Disadvantages= people asking where your crock of gold is, getting I'd'd at a PG film, people thinking you were in lifes to short and beating you up

Quote: sootyj @ April 2 2012, 10:53 PM BST

Disadvantages= people asking where your crock of gold is

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quality.

Quote: Jonny Mcash @ April 2 2012, 5:04 PM BST

First of all lets clear something up, just so there is no lingering doubt in the room...Yes I do realize that I am of a below average height, some may even say vertically challenged, in fact I almost had to climb on a chair to reach puberty. Unfortunately I just happened to have been born in a time where the human race is getting progressively taller and taller, 1000 years ago id have been prime basketball material! However, I do find that there is a few advantages of being this height, for example, through my extensive research I have found that the taller you get, the uglier you get. Know obviously there are the exceptions to this rule, but if you really think about it, its true, prime examples include jaws from James bond, big Arnie Schwarzenegger and of course Peter Crouch who even admitted himself that if he wasn't a footballer, he'd be a virgin. All this research would of course be useless to everybody unless I came up with an explanation as to why this is true....and I think I may just have found it! It has nothing to do with science and has everything to do with ...Doorframes, I can honestly say that I have never had the misfortune of walking into one...all you tall people out there practically live in fear of the things! No wonder your f**king ugly when your that tall, your face would take a pounding on an almost daily basis and that would definitely eradicate any good looks that may have been there in the first place!

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Hi mate,
I'd just take the advice on editing your wordcount. Well-written sentences that read well in formal prose sometimes sound like forced actorly waffle in delivery.

The joke from this that I got is;

"I'm short. I had to climb on a chair to reach puberty."

Which is a funny line.

Just write some more jokes and string them all together.
"...I'm short, so I don't have the trouble of worrying about doorframes, or cupboards, or ever being a woman's 'actual' first choice boyfriend, or ever being considered an actual physical threat in a fight..."

Stuff like that

Not only was I raped in prison, numerous times. But I disapointed my assailants.

Well they were always, COMING UP SHORT!!!!

nb JD2 like your reedit of that line. It's one where the rhythmn bounces the humour more than the words themselves (an enviable skill)

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm here tonight to regail you all with tales of circus life. I am this short really, I'm not just standing very far away"
Ba-Dum-Tssh
"I'm so short that when I get into the bath.. I'm standing up to my neck in water!"
Ba-Dum-Tssh

To back up JD2, remember anything that doesn't add to the humour, subtracts, so remove any words which serve no function.

Some pretty funny stuff in there though, write another couple of minutes, book yourself in for a 5 minute open spot somewhere and try it out in front of the ultimate judges, an audience.

Good luck with it.