It's a laugh In it!

Basically just an idea I thought of one day, I would like for it to be in like a series fromat. This is an idea of the first episode. Any feedback would be great!

It's a laugh in it! Episode One- Tell Her!

- The lads have finally left school and to celebrate they decide to go on a night out and get wasted. And they succeed playing a game of tell her and get slapped by a random woman.

Thomas is walking through the school corridors to the assembly, with expression of freedom on his face.

(Voice over)Hello, my name is Thomas Melwood and today I could not be more thrilled, the reason for this been I get to leave this shithole of a school and the complete tools that come with it. Mr. Richardson our head of year has called us into assembly, I don't know why though? Oh look here come the complete tools I mentioned.

Walking towards Thomas are his so called friends he has hung around with during his time at school. Introduce, Scott Townsend, Garry Adamson and Paddy Edmonds.

Garry: Now then Ching Li, wonder what this ginger prick Richardson wants?

Thomas: Yep, good to see you to mate. Probably wants to have one last look at you.

Garry: Why, would he want one last look at me you dickbag?

Thomas: Two words, Wank Bank!

Paddy: Aw man, not a nice image gaz. Richardson working his shaft for you.

Garry: That's f**king grim lads, Paddy your meant to be my wing man don't join in with the prick.
Scott, Paddy and Thomas walk off to assembly, leaving Garry, been sick to the horrible thought of his head of year masturbating over him.

(V.O) Well it's not often I beat Garry on the banter side, but this was a sweet victory. Yes very sweet just like the bits of chicken coming from Gaz's nose. Oh and I forgot to mention, Garry thinks I look Chinese. I will leave you to decide that one! For those of you that agree with him then you go suck on my royal sweet and sour balls.

The lads go into the assembly where, Mr . Richardson gives them a speech about life.

Mr. Richardson: Well ladies and gentlemen, you are at the beginning of an end. Your life begins now whether you're going to college, starting an apprenticeship or selling yourself. (winking at gaz) No, I'm only joking how inappropriate of me! Well to be fair peeps that's all I manage to write down, my mind seems to drift on to a different matter from time to time.

Scott: Like Gaz's cock you ginger peado!

Thomas: Okay, I think that's our que to leave well done Scott!

Mr. Richardson's face drops and the rest of the year begin to laugh at Mr. Richardson causing him to run off stage crying. The boys slowly slip away from the assembly with Garry looking mentally disturbed.
The boys are now stood outside of the school thinking of what they can do tonight to celebrate, Mr. Richardson comes running to them in a gay fashion and crying.

Mr, Richardson: How can you do that to me, you nasty little f**kers. In front of that many people and call me a ginger peado, that will stick for ever, you mean little shits!

Paddy: Sort your boyfriend out gaz!

Gaz: He's not my f**king boyfriend alright! Just f**k off with this bullshit. (At Mr Richardson) And for you Olympic f**king torch how about you stop weeping like a infected knob and cry to someone who actually cares!

Mr Richardson runs away.

Thomas:, oh nice touch Gaz, that was a bit harsh to be fair mate.

Gaz gets right in Thomas face.

Gaz: Look mate, it was you who did this putting sick thoughts in my mind. I'm going home and don't think about following me.

Gaz storms home; leaving the lads looking shocked and guilty about what just happened.

(V.O) Well after this eventful last day at school I guess I should go convince Gaz to come out tonight. Probably still scared from the horrible image I put in his head, but f**k it. It's a laugh in it!

Thomas decides to ring Gaz to get him to come out.

Gaz: Hello

Thomas: Hey man, look im sorry about what happened earlier I got messed up in the hype of leaving school! How about we forget about it and just get merrily f**ked up tonight?

Gaz: Look Tommy kid, I over reacted there was no need for to go off like that. I'll get ready and head to yours. Trust me man we're going to get sloshed.

Thomas: Good man, I knew you'd come round see you in a bit bud.
The lads are at Thomas' house ready to party to need to figure what to do for the night. Tommy has a plan.

Scott: So lads, what are we actually doing tonight?

Thomas: I thought about hitting the town, get absolutely bum hollied and see if we can pull some fresh meat!

Paddy: Sounds good im up for it!

Scott: Yeah me too, party rock motherf**kers!

Gaz: Lads, we are 16 and have no ID how are we going to get round town.

Thomas: Look Gaz, we will be fine with your little rat tash you will get anywhere. Trust me!

Gaz: Alright then, if you say so. Let's do it.

The lads get a taxi into town and are ready to hit the first club.

Tommy: What about this one lads, come on!

The lads walk into the club.

Bouncer: ID please lads!

The lads face drop and look embarrassed.

Bouncer: ahh, only f**king with you lads come on in!

Scott: Alright ladies, I'll get the round in and then we're playing tell her.

While Scott gets the drinks in the boys find a table right next a bunch of good looking girls.

Scott: Oh aye, good seating lads.

Paddy: Scott, what's tell her?

Scott: ahh paddy kid, not a game for pussy's like you. Basically I see a fit lass and say to you she'd get it or if I see a ugly lass and I say she looks like a munter . Then you say tell her and I have to! Get it?
Paddy: Yeah man, piece of piss. Look at her though mate. I would absolutely destroy her!

Scott: Tell her!

Paddy: Aw f**k, really?

Scott: Yeah man, or you backing down like a flange?

Paddy: Nah man it's cool.

Paddy walks over to this girl, and tells her in a weird way.

Paddy: Hey love, just to let you know. I would absolutely destroy you!

Girl: F**k off, you perv.

The girl slaps paddy tells the bounce.

Thomas: Shit, lads she is speaking to the bouncer we better go or we are f**ked.

The lads go out the club and when outside realise they are really drunk already, and decide to call it a night.

Scott: heyy ladsssss, I'm pissed man. Hahaha
Thomas: Come on Lads better get home!

The lads walk home carrying scott down the street.

(V.O) Well to say these lads are complete tools in an understatement, abusing a mentally f**ked teacher, playing tell her. I mean what the actual f**k? But you know what it has a being a f**king giggle tonight and I love these lads. Good night.

Hi Thomas,

Don't really know where to start on this, but I'll do my best. I'll start with constructive technical criticism:

Firstly, you're going to need to format your script properly. This means stage directions and characters names in CAPS (EXT. INT. VO etc) and taking out stage directions that should be obvious to the viewer (this is the director's job - if you have written a decent script, then the director/actors won't need to know how to look or what facial expressions to pull) eg 'and when outside realise they are really drunk already, and decide to call it a night'. Doing this makes it look a lot more professional and easier to read. Have a look at some of the scripts on this site to get an idea of how they should look.

Secondly, I take it this is your first draft? It's going to need a major edit and a lot of work done on it. So take out all the words/dialogue you don't need and generally clean and tidy the script up. There's a lot of filler in there which could be taken out/tweaked along with a lot of repetition where the Also, you need to think about how people talk in real life when writing a script. Some of it seems a bit robotic and (excuse the cliché) 'scripted'. Write actually how people talk, not how you're 'supposed' to. Another minor thing, take out the * of the swear words, I'm sure we're all adults here

In general, have a look roundthis site, has a tonne of info about script writing and good examples of comedy scripts that you can look at.

Now some constructive personal criticism:

I personally just didn't find it funny. I can see why people would, and can see your main target audience. Of course, there's no way to escape the elephant in the room with this one... 2 word s 'The Inbetweeners'. Unfortunately this struck me as a crasser, cruder version of TI. If you want this to work, you're going to need to prove to the reader/viewer that this is different to TI. For me, the comparisons were blindingly obvious, ie the VO. The only advice I can think of at the moment would be to somehow make this different and unique. We've just had 3 series of a sitcom set in a 6th Form with 16/17 year old boys in it swearing their mouths off with a VO, how is yours different? Another point I'd make its the characters. All yours seem to be the same, if their names weren't there, I wouldn't know who was talking. Each character needs their own 'voice' and personality. Works in the same way that a good cartoon character works, if you can recognise them from their silhouette, then they're good (Bart Simpson, Futurama Fry, Peter Griffin etc). The sitcoms The Office, The Smoking Room, Ideal and Dad's Army are a few of my favourite sitcoms, if you were to place a script in front of me without any names, I could tell you which character is saying those lines. The same goes for TI, Will, Simon, Jay and Neil all have their own traits and style of vocab/grammar and general way of talking. You need to bring this to your script, flesh them out a bit, but then let them develop themselves.

Secondly, just a minor point. It's not very long, I'm not sure how long you were thinking this of lasting? When you say series, 30mins is standard (roughly 30 pages of A4 if you work at 1 page = 1 min), but is only a few mins at a push.

Anyway, have a look around the Critique forum, the BBC Writers Room and various other sitcom writing sites to get an idea. If you're serious, buy a book on sitcom writing or go on a weekend course. We're all here to help, don't be scared of us and take negative criticism personally. Listen, learn, take it on board and come back with something else using those points people have advised on