NJ Police Fitness Sketch

Not a verbal jokefest but I liked it. All comments welcome

JUSTIN:        
British Police Officers are like London busses.  They're  iconic, they both serve the public, (BEAT) and they're both the size of busses.  Police fitness has been called in to question this week with 50% of officers being classed as overweight and less fit than their 1930 counterparts.  Let's test the evidence as we 'walk in a Northerly direction' into the Newsjack archive.

GRAMS:        PATHE NEWS STYLE MUSIC THROUGHOUT  

V/O:    
(PLUMY) It's 1am  in fashionable Piccadily and who's this coming out of  
Timpsons Jewelly Emporium?  Why it's Ears Muldhoon, Larry the Hat and Greek
Tony.  

F/X:    1930's SHOP ALARM

V/O (CNT'D):    
They're making-off at breakneck speed.

F/X:             OLD POLICE WHISTLES, RUNNING FOOTSEPS

V/O (CNT'D):    
It's a trap! Sergeant Turnbull and his men from 'C'
Division are in like a shot and all three are captured without breaking sweat.    

F/X:    PUNCHES AND BAD GUY GROANS

V/O (CNT'D):    
Muldhoon appears to have banged his face several times
accidentally on PC Jackson's boots.  He'll laugh that off in the morning.  
Turnbull's men are the fittest in the Metropolis  and as we get back to the station  
we see why.

ATMOS:    POLICE STATION HUBBUB

SGT TURNBULL:    
(DELIBERATE )The modern police officer seizes every  opportunity to keep fit.  
Observe as I books in Larry the 'at.  I wears boxing gloves and gently prods the
felon to elicit his correct details. What-is -your-name?

LARRY THE HAT:    
Larry..

F/X:            PUNCH

LARRY (CNT'D):    
The..    

F/X:            PUNCH

LARRY (CNT'D):    
Hat

F/X:            PUNCH (BEAT) 2nd PUNCH

V/O:            
He'll laugh that off in the morning.  But it doesn't stop there.                  
Greek Tony has somehow fallen down the stairs.
       
F/X:               FALLING DOWN STAIRS WITH GROANS

V/O (CNT'D):        
PC Jackson checks on him.

F/X:    BOOTS RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS FOLLOWED BY A THUMP AND A GROAN

V/O (CNT'D):    
He's  only bleeding moderately,  so whilst he gets his wind back
PC Jackson continues running up and down the stairs checking on him each time.

F/X:    SEVERAL RUNS UP AND DOWN STAIRS WITH A PUNCH AND A GROAN EACH
TIME AT THE END

V/O (CNT'D):    
He'll laugh that off in the morning.  Oh but the boys in blue can't
get enough excerise.  Here come half-penny Lil - fresh in for importuning.

LIL:            
(FLIRTY) 'Ello boys

V/O:    
They appear to be taking it in turns to chase her around the cell,
presumably to aid her sobering up.

F/X:    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS,WHOOPING AND EROTIC MOANS

V/O (CNT'D):    
(CONCERNED) Don't get too close chaps, she may be infectious.

LIL:    
(SHOUTING/DIRTY LAUGHING) Don't worry, they'll laugh it of in the
morning!  

V/O:    
So, if you're thinking of stealing in Ealing, looting in Tooting or acting very
sinister in a Crombie in Westminister, think again!

GRAMS:    PATHE NEWS STYLE ENDING

JUSTIN:    
I Remember my student days when you could demonstrate and The
Met were fit enough to chase you around for hours. Nowadays they just put the kettle on.

Very funny - and loved the punchline. Very clever.
Alison

Thank you Ali, you are very kind

It's a bit long, could do with a trim, and Justin's end line isn't needed - but it's great. "He'll laugh that off in the morning" is a lovely runner.

The only negative is since there's been at least two archive takes on this story, they might have been inundated with them.

Very strong, though.

'Busses' looks well weird when you write it down, doesn't it?

Also, this:

"British Police Officers are like London busses. They're iconic, they both serve the public, (BEAT) and they're both the size of busses."

Reminds me of:

"Women who fancy me are like busses. Massive, red, and with a wheel at each corner."

Does the word 'both' f**k up the grammar here? It feels weird. I think it might read better if you drop it in 'both' instances.

ie: "British Police Officers are like London busses. They're iconic, they serve the public, (BEAT) and they're the size of busses."

Nice!

Quote: notoriousrory @ March 23 2012, 6:24 AM GMT

Does the word 'both' f**k up the grammar here? It feels weird. I think it might read better if you drop it in 'both' instances.

View original

I thought it sounded clumsy too, but clumsy in a good way. It might be hard to believe, but good grammar isn't necessarily funny.

Yeah, as RJ says, this story obviously lends itself well to 'From The Archive...'

Good sketch, agree it's a bit too long but well-executed.

'Excercise', though? </grammar nazi>

Dan

Thanks for the comments guys, all valid points.

I wondered about the length myself (ooah-err missus!)but thought that the pace of archive sketches is always faster so I might get away with it.

Nice well structured sketch, good characters funny and it does it well in a short space.

I especially like the repetition of the "he'll laugh it off in the morning"

problem is it's an excelent sketch about police brutality not the story you were covering

and terrible punch

Cheers Soot.

You are of course right about the main flaw being the emphasis on brutality rather than fitness.

I liked the end joke (which was a standalone gag I had thought of a while ago).

Quote: Will Cam @ March 22 2012, 6:16 PM GMT

V/O:            
He'll laugh that off in the morning.

View original

I didn't know you wrote stuff. I thought this sketch was ace.

Quote: notoriousrory @ March 23 2012, 6:24 AM GMT

'Busses' looks well weird when you write it down, doesn't it?

View original

That's because the (most used) plural of bus is buses.

Nice sketch, made me laugh, especially Lil's version of laugh-that-off-in-the-morning.

Quote: JackDaniels2 @ March 27 2012, 11:47 PM BST

I didn't know you wrote stuff. I thought this sketch was ace.

View original

Thanks Jack. I am far from prolific but I do bang out the odd sketch or two.

Quote: Badge @ March 28 2012, 12:16 AM BST

That's because the (most used) plural of bus is buses.

Nice sketch, made me laugh, especially Lil's version of laugh-that-off-in-the-morning.

View original

Cheers Badge, glad you enjoyed it even if NJ didn't