Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 15 2012, 5:46 PM GMTThis made me smile
Thanks! I've had that in the bank for about a year, just waiting for the right opportunity to come up.
NewsJack Rejections. Series 6 Page 10
Unsurprisingly I didn't get on with any of these - I just couldn't bring myself to be beaten by 'the lull'
CALLER:I can't believe that report from the 60's saying LSD can help alcoholics stop drinking has been forgotten for so long. Still, they say if you remember conducting a scientific study in the 60's you weren't really there.
CALLER:I agree with the study that says LSD helps alcoholics give up drinking. I was an alcoholic until I started taking acid - and believe me a drink's the last thing on your mind when you're being chased by a giant tangerine leprechaun.
CALLER
SCOTTISH VOICE) So the English want to pipe water down from Scotland? Well they may take our water - but they'll never take our "Freedommmmm!!"
CALLER:I bought that new bestseller "Fifty Shades of Grey" and was disgusted to find it was a smutty novel. I was looking for the biography of Ian Duncan-Smith.
CALLER:It's disgraceful Nicolas Sarkozy's son threw a tomato at a policewoman. He sees his dad every day, yet the pompous oaf remains tomato-free.
CALLER:The US Food and Drug Administration say a person would need to drink more than 1,000 cans of Coke or Pepsi a day for it to have a cancer-producing effect. Well I'm a computer programmer - and I'm scared!
CORRECTION: We wrongly reported that the Royal College of GPs had been chemically castrated. They have, in fact, finally agreed to swallow a controversial new NHS formula, which means they no longer have any balls.
CORRECTION: Andrew Lansley has asked us to clarify that "Replace anything meaty with lighter alternatives which are fishy or nuts" is new healthy eating advice, not the guidelines which he followed when rewriting the NHS accountability code.
CORRECTION: In Newsjack's Antiques slot last week, we told the woman who brought in her Chipping Norton Set to be valued that it was very stylish and highly sought-after. Unfortunately, we've now had to lower our valuation, after discovering that a couple of the components have since been nicked.
JACK APP: Boko Haram are denying responsibility for the Nigerian hostage crisis. Next they'll be claiming it wasn't them who did A Whiter Shade Of Pale!
Deep breath...here goes...
My week 4 rejects:
1)I'm writing a film about a man who literally sees people in a different galaxy paying tax. It's called "The Nick Sense"
2)As an alien from a planet in the galaxy of Taxanomica Payola, I'd like to complain about Nick Clegg's invasion of our privacy!
3)Ed Miliband was so sick he couldn't attend an NHS rally. Umm, that's an NHS rally where there would have been lots of Doctors and Nurses?!
Corrections:
1) Newsjack would like to apologise for implying that the anti-gay marriage letter, read out in all Catholic churches, was written on fragranced paper. This was incorrect. However, they were incensed.
2) In a report about his forthcoming new gallery, we said that Damian Hirst will include "5 pieces of bacon". What we should have said of course was, he'll include "5 pieces by Bacon".
Some of my pieces that were apparently surplus to requirements....
Alison
FILTHY MAN: I had my credit card details stolen from porn site Digital Playground. I want to write and complain, but I can only type with one hand.
CALLER: I hear the Government wants to ban Ketamine. They should just let sleeping dogs lie.
WOMAN: I only asked the jewellers shop to create a small crucifix to wear to work. They said no. It does make me a little cross.
CORRECTIONS:
We'd like to apologise for implying there's a culture of leaking and accepting bribes at the Met. Cressida Dick has strongly refuted this claim through a statement handed to us by a man with a false moustache, and attached to an invoice for £500.
We'd like to apologise for accusing Ed Milliband of taking football more seriously than saving the NHS. In a statement, Mr Milliband, said that was ridiculous. NHS reform is a game of two halves. It was still all to play for, and he knows exactly who in Cabinet ate all the pies.
AND FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from March 2012, the year in which David Cameron became the first foreign leader to fly aboard Air Force One. When asked by the President whether we had something similar, Mr Cameron explained the UK did have something long and remarkably fragile, with no visible means of staying in the air, and a risk of crashing on a regular basis - it was called the coalition.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 15 2012, 12:04 AM GMTAND FINALLY...
(11) That was Newsjack, first broadcast in the week that Prime Minister David Cameron was welcomed as a guest on Air Force One. Mr Cameron declared the trip to be a resounding success, adding "I got an ashtray, two monogrammed towels, and most of the mini-bar".
Quote: swerytd @ March 15 2012, 9:25 AM GMT(1)
JACKAPP:
Game didn't seem too worried about going out of business; not until someone explained they didn't have another two lives remaining.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 15 2012, 11:14 AM GMTINTRO:
This week, scientists discovered that wearing a white lab coat helps you perform better in tests and may improve your effectiveness at work. As a control, the same experiment was carried out by the same scientists without their lab coats, but they were unable to repeat their findings.
Quote: John Kelly @ March 15 2012, 12:08 PM GMTWOMAN
MAN
Quote: blahblah @ March 15 2012, 4:42 PM GMTVladimir Putin here I am calling to refute the allegations of poll rigging. I deserve my place in crufts
Quote: Nodz @ March 15 2012, 4:48 PM GMTArchbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams entered the row over a person's right to wear the cross at work by describing it as mere "decoration". Which is, I'm sure, exactly how Jesus saw it when he was nailed to one.
Quote: Park Bench @ March 15 2012, 5:16 PM GMTClaire Diver gave birth to a baby girl on the forecourt of a BP garage earlier this week, after a mad dash by her husband Peter. As it was her first-born, she managed to exchange her daughter for a full tank of petrol.
Liked all these among others.
Here's my So far & yet so far selection:
Doctors recently removed a Gallstone from Paul Daniels. Unfortunately they then shuffled him & put it back.
Hollywood Lawyers have forced a Pub to change it's name from the Hobbit. It will now be known as the Return of the Kings Arms
They say that safety is poor at 1000 nurseries; well I suppose It's all swings & roundabouts.
I tried that Chinese version of Twitter but every time I retweeted anything it would change the words slightly.... Unless it was in Capitals
They've discovered that Ants have Sat Nav. Doesn't surprise me! I've had it for years in My Beetle
I see Poland have rejected EU CO2 targets. Well they probably know someone who can do them much lower
I think it's right to ask Simon Cowell to support work experience schemes. Many X Factor contestants don't learn the skills they need in later life such as flipping burgers.
Rebecca Brooks has been arrested, she was read her rights and informed that she was permitted to listen in to one phone call to a lawyer
Of course Deal or no Deal is a Gamble you know that if you keep watching Noel Edmonds then one day you're probably going to throw a brick at the telly
If wearing Denim is a sign of depression then Jeans wearers may need to seek treatment. Find a shrink to fit as it were.
It was very cunning of that Fox to steal Garlic Bread. If he is seen to be Upper class then we're not allowed to hunt him.
No wonder people take more sickies these days. You used to have to phone in & put a croaky voice on. Now you only need to text a green smiley face.
That Newsreader needs to be more careful, If he keeps falling asleep at his desk he may end up with Headlines.
So Cash Machines are going to make you watch adverts, I think they already do. Whenever I draw money there's always someone there from we take any change dot com
Coke & Pepsi have had to change their recipes due to links with Cancer What next? I suppose they'll have to change name of Crabbies Ginger beer?
Sarkosy's moaning about too many foreigners in his country, he's got a point though, when I went there It was full of French people.
My rejected one-liners and gags:- warning there are a few:-
1)Scientists told us not to panic as Venus and Jupiter are set to pass close to each other later this week. They advise that it's only when Mars hits Uranus that we should worry about a Big Bang.
2)Prince Harry was in a Fun Run in Jamaica this week, wearing a Prince William mask. Other entrants were Susan Boyle in a Pippa Middleton mask and Nick Clegg in a Gimp mask.
3)Cost cutting Cumbria Council has agreed for a local community to run their Tourist Information Centre, after they rejected an application to run the local Drug Centre.
4)Police in Moray are appealing for information on lost budgies. The public are encouraged to Tweet if they see them.
5)Nude Cyclists were seen protesting in Lima about road safety. None of them were wearing any protection.
6)Armenia has withdrawn from the Eurovision song contest due to security concerns. This explains the UK entry of Engelbert Humperdinck.
7)A porn site was hacked into and 75 customer's credit card details were stolen. The site has refused to release the names of the card-holders to protect MP's identities.
8)10 people were taken to hospital after a Gas leak at a food processing plant in Cornwall. The fork-lift driver at the plant apologised for eating too many beans at lunch.
9)A ceasefire has been declared in the Middle East after Israel and Gaza clashed. Israel was fine with the fishing rod, but objected to the beer and bucket of chicken.
10) Trenton, capital of New Jersey is facing a shortage of toilet paper in the city. City officials advise that it has nothing to do with the increased Labrador population.
11) The creation of Homeless Hotspots means that you will be chasing beggars with your Laptops and smart-phones. Should make it easier for them to rob you.
12)The Environment Agency has warned Wales not to get complacent over its water levels. This was after an entire Welsh Village was seen dancing under their hosepipes chanting "Welsh Water, Welsh Water, you can't have it"
13)Former Conservative Deputy Leader Lord Fraser has warned that an Independent Scotland would lead to England bombing Scotland's Airports. It seems that the Conservatives will do anything for more water.
JACKAPPS
TEENAGE BOY
People who say that visiting the elderly reduces accidents have never visited my Granny, Everytime I visit; there is always the smell of the accident coming from her bed.
KETTERING SCIENCE ACADEMY STUDENT
This is Billy from Kettering Science Academy. I don't care that Tesco have banned us from shopping there. We'll just nick our lunch from Asda instead.
CHARLES WALKER - TORY MP
Hi this is Charles Walker, Conservative MP. We don't need the watchdog to look into our private lives. The News of the....I mean Sun on Sunday do that job perfectly well.
REBEKAH BROOKES
This is Rebekah Brookes, the police are outside now. If you don't help me, I'll expose Justin's voicemails to the nation. Not that anyone would care apart from maybe his mother, his wife and {BEAT} Miss Whiplash, whoever she is.
Belatedly. here are mine. I was hopeful of the concept of Bacon-ade, but not to be:
VOICEOVERANGRY) It's a bit bloody late for scientists to tell me that red meat and fizzy drinks can take kill you. I've spent years developing a Bacon-ade health drink
VOICEOVER:Given Rebekah Brooks has been arrested, does that mean the horse the Met Police lent her was actually a mole?
OR
People criticised the Met Police for lending an animal to Rebekah Brooks, but I bet the information behind her arrest came straight from the horse's mouth.
VOICEOVER:Chinese hackers are said to have stolen plans for the new £200bn F-35 Joint Strike Fighters from BAE Systems. It was described as disastrous by military chiefs (BEAT) from China, whose planes will now cost 10 times as much and not be able to land on their aircraft carriers.
VOICEOVER:If human rights lawyers sue William Hague over helping US drone attacks, will he go on trial in The Hague? If so, will George Bush need to be tried by a panel of women?
TEEN BOYGEEKY, SAD) it wouldn't take a Egyptian doctor to tell you I'm a virgin.
VOICEOVER:Volvo announced they would prevent pedestrian deaths by attaching car bonnet airbags. As opposed to anything Jeremy Clarkson drives, which has a gasbag attached.
VOICEOVER: I couldn't believe the size of Man U's tax settlement over image right payments to their star players, including Wayne Rooney. Mind you, Shrek has been doing great business on DVD.
HIPPYSPACED OUT) A dose of LSD certainly helped me give up drinking. My beer can grew wings and flew off to a land of Satre-quoting chipmunks.
VOICEOVER
cientists claim ants have a complex navigation system that works like a sat nav, but I think they just use orianteering.
CORRECTIONS
JUSTIN
ussy Riot is the name of the punk band who staged an anti-Putin demo in a Moscow cathedral. It is not, as we reported, a dance remix of Mrs Slocombe's double entendres from Are You Being Served.
(UNDER BREATH) The producers wouldn't let me do an Ann Summers gag.
VOICEOVER:When we reported on Lib Dem criticisms that Nick Clegg is making policy 'on the hoof', we should not have implied that he's the latest public figure to be lent a horse by the Met Police.
VOICEOVER
ur feature on Nick Clegg's conference speech should have reported his idea to target Revenue-dodging millionaires with a tycoon tax. He is not targeting speed camera-dodging MPs with a Chris Huhne Tax.
AND FINALLY...
That was Newsjack from way back in March 2012. It was the week it was discovered Botox can help bladder control, allowing people to delay the call of nature for weeks on end. It meant mens' urinals had to become the size of swimming pools, but at least firemen no longer had to bring hoses to emergencies.
Next on Radio 4 Extra, after years of making normal mums feel inferior, Madonna finally comes clean about how she really coped as a single mother, in her book "My Au Pair Bonita".
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 15 2012, 8:00 PM GMTSarkosy's moaning about too many foreigners in his country, he's got a point though, when I went there It was full of French people.
I was in the audience last week and I'm almost certain they performed this one in the Jack Apps. Must've got cut in the edit. Shame, as I certainly laughed! Of course I could be hallucinating, as I've just started treatment for alcoholism...
They did, or another version of it. I did see that same joke on a couple of occasions elsewhere, though, so I can see why it was cut. A perfectly fine gag.
Can anyone tell me which of these efforts got me my "close but no cigar" email?
Just eaten a Yorkie, that's the last time I'll get invited to Crufts.
Tried to enter my dog for the Cruft's agility trials but you wouldn't believe the hoops we had to jump through.
Good to see that Man.City are back to being Man.City, the world was turned upside down for a while there.
"Mitt Romney" in German means "With Stupid".
I have to say the Coastguard do a brilliant job, no-one has ever stolen our coast.
With the news that Apple is now worth more than Poland, I guess we can expect them to bring out their new range of countries, including the i-Raq and the i-Ran.
The MoD have announced that they will be stationing surface-to-air missiles to protect the Olympics, unfortunately due to defence cuts this will mean extra work for our javelin throwers.
After hearing the news that a caterer got his armed trapped in a dumb waiter I'd just like to wish Basil Fawlty and Manuel a speedy recovery.
Sad to read that a pub in Southampton called "The Hobbit" has been forced to change it's name, like most people I read about it's demise in the newspapers "Hobbituary" section.
It seems slightly ironic that Trenton, New Jersey, often described as the arse end of America, has run out of toilet paper.
Pixar's new animated film, Brave, is to get it's premiere in Scotland, I just hope the critics don't batter it.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 21 2012, 1:38 AM GMTWith the news that Apple is now worth more than Poland, I guess we can expect them to bring out their new range of countries, including the i-Raq and the i-Ran.
The MoD have announced that they will be stationing surface-to-air missiles to protect the Olympics, unfortunately due to defence cuts this will mean extra work for our javelin throwers.
They were my favourites 
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 21 2012, 1:38 AM GMTCan anyone tell me which of these efforts got me my "close but no cigar" email?
Just eaten a Yorkie, that's the last time I'll get invited to Crufts.
Pretty sure it was the Yorkie line.
Premiership footballer John Terry's request to have lip-reading evidence banned from his race row trial has been refused in court by Judge Howard Riddle. It is not yet known whether the evidence will prove beneficial, as the current translation is 'Are you parking back at the spaceship loaf of bread with a chocolate trilby ?'
An opinion poll commissioned by Greenpeace and the RSPB has found that just 2% of the UK public believe they live under the 'greenest' government ever. The figure was initially 95%, until respondents were told the question actually referred to the environment.
The latest Bank of Scotland survey shows that the job market in Scotland is improving. For the first time since October, February saw the number of jobs available on a daily basis outstrip the number of sightings of the Loch Ness monster. However, there is still more chance of catching the monster than actually getting a job.
Only managed a handful this week. Will try harder for Week 6.
Corrections:
We'd like to apologise for saying earlier that, at a cabinet meeting to mark the impending passing of the coalition's NHS reforms, ministers enthusiastically "banged" Vince Cable. We meant to say, of course, that they banged the table.
News One Liners:
Doctors opposed to the government's health reforms have said they will stand against high-profile coalition MPs at the next general election. They'll then be measured and the tallest declared the winner.
Walt Disney has said it expects to lose $200m on its movie John Carter, making it a huge flop. An outcome with which those who purchased fake Viagra from counterfeiters arrested this week will have some sympathy.