Not renowned for my sketches, here's one that slipped out..
JUSTIN:
A controversial review of the country's police force has revealed that Britain has the largest police force in Europe. Unfortunately, it doesn't refer to their numbers, only their body mass index. To reply to the review on behalf of the 'officer on the beat', tonight I'm joined by WPC Juliet Kilo, from the MET. Good evening.
JULIET: (OUT OF BREATH)
Good evening Justin. Forgive me for being out of breath, it was the stairs.
JUSTIN:
We're on the ground floor.
JULIET:
Then that's one hell of a 'welcome' mat you've got there. Is it double pile?
JUSTIN:
Hmm, maybe.
(PENSIVE PAUSE)
So, WPC Kilo, how do you respond to the allegations about obesity, made in the review?
JULIET:
Let me just say I am very disappointed. That's why I decided to come along tonight, to demonstrate that a police officer has to be inherently fit just to cope with weight of the uniform and their equipment.
JUSTIN:
Naturally, the stab vest makes you appear heavier.
JULIET:
I've not put it on yet.
JUSTIN:
Oh. I do apologise. However, your uniform seems to fit okay. Although the skirt does appear to be a little short. Excuse me for asking but what size is it?
JULIET:
It's triple XL
JUSTIN:
That does surprise me. Is that size standard issue?
JULIET:
Yes
JUSTIN:
And the fluffy pink handcuffs?
JULIET:
Yes.
JUSTIN:
It's an Ann Summers outfit isn't it?
JULIET:
(Almost crying) It is. I had no choice. The range of official uniforms end at XL. I had to do something to avoid losing my career, and the rest of the watch didn't seem to mind....
JUSTIN:
Couldn't you have just tried to lose some weight?
JULIET:
That was my intention, but once I started doing birthday parties and stag dos at the weekend it spiralled out of control and there seemed to be no way back.
JUSTIN:
I was just about to ask about the peek-a-boo bra.
FIN.
