Was in the audience last night so I know this won't be on! Interested to find out if people think this is too close to the bone for NJ. Personally, I thought the irony was fairly clear, but these things are always open to interpretation. It's maybe a little long too (though it was meant for the archive section, so figured it'd be read in a sped-up voice) And of course it might just not be funny to people that aren't me...
This week it was revealed that 500 Met Police officers have lost nearly two tonnes in weight since joining taxpayer funded "fat-clubs". This means at very least they can chase after a fleeing chav without their trousers ending up smelling like a whale just died in them. But this wasn't always how the boys in blue kept in shape, as we delve into the archive.
GRAMS: OLD-FASHIONED POMP
MALE COMMENTATOR (MC): Hello and welcome to the climax of the forty-second annual policeman's Olympiad - the competition that mixes physical exertion with good old-fashioned police brutality.
GRAMS: FADE UP AND THEN DOWN
MC: Here's the event we've all been waiting for - the Gentleman's Medley. And they're off!
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
MC:The first challenge is the bar and it's PC Chugger Harris who gets there first.
FEMALE COMMENTATOR (FC): Yes, remember it's recommended that every bobby drinks at least 3 pints of strong ale before and after his beat. And aren't they all doing well?
MC: That really is some determined boozing from our boys.
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
MC: Next they come to the Prole-Vault.
FC: Each competitor has to run into a vault that's filled with the working classes. He then has to drag one of the rascals out and extract a confession to one of their heinous crimes in the shortest possible time.
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
MC: And it looks like PC Shufflebottom has hauled himself out a beauty! Look at him work that truncheon.
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
FC: Yes delightful strokes there from Shufflebottom.
MC: Oh but wait, he appears to have stopped. I think...
FX: CHEERS DIE DOWN AND THEN RISE AGAIN
MC: Yes... he was just pausing briefly to bow to Her Majesty the Queen. Marvelous.
FC: Yes that really was a lovely flourish. Terrific to see the Sovereign laughing and smiling gaily as she waived him to continue.
FX: BLUDGEONING SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND
MC: And it looks like... yes, he has extracted a confession. Can you hear what it's for?
FC: I'm struggling to hear above the noise but I think he admitted to fingering the vicar's wife.
MC: Haha! Well it looks like it'll be the gallows for him.
FC: Yes - he won't be fingering anyone for a long time. Mostly because he'll be dead.
MC: Meanwhile over in the far corner of the field, I think... Yes, yes - they've released the homosexual. They've released the homosexual.
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
FC: Look at all those bobbies give chase!
MC: Fantastic dashing there from PCs Trumpton and Wopshott - they really are determined to catch that slippery homosexual and return him to Wormwood Scrubs where he belongs.
FC: Yes they look like a swarm of righteous blue bees chasing after a piece of tangible evil.
FC: And PC Wopshott has boffed him one on the noggin to win the coveted Golden Truncheon.
FX: CHEERS FROM A VAST CROWD
MC: We've had a tip-top day out here but now it's time to cease. We're all off to the gentleman's club to get completely cucumbered on opium. Goodbye, and God save the Queen!
