Short Novel For Girls - Advice Needed

To shake things up a bit, I'm doing a novel aimed at girls aged between 8-13 years old and I need some advice from those with more knowledge on the subject.

Here is what I've got so far -

Krissy Lane, a 13 year old girl from the small village of Limery is determined to win the horse trials at this year's county fair after losing twice to her greatest rival, spoiled rich girl Samantha Fennymore Cooper.

After giving up evenings and weekends to train for the trials, Krissy and her trusty filly Minty are a definite shoe-in for the title. Unfortunately, Krissy's world is shattered when Minty breaks her leg (possibly set up by the evil Fennymore Cooper) and she witnesses the humane killing of her beloved pony.

After such a traumatic experience, Krissy vows to never ride a horse again. That is until she discovers Jackson, a wild colt that has run away from the circus because of his ill treatment by the ring master. With his wild mane, gleaming eyes and white star crested forehead, Krissy can't help but fall immediately in love with the troubled, independent, yet proud creature.

Despite several attempts to tame him, every horse trainer in Limery has given up on Jackson and now the rogueish charmer runs free through the woods and fields, only venturing into the village to steal sugary buns and other such malarkies, usually involving fat, bumbling policemen.

Krissy realises that if she can gain the trust of Jackson, not only will she win the horse trials and wipe away the smug grin from Samanatha Fennymore Cooper, but the experience will mend both their broken hearts and they will learn to love again.

Tentatively, Krissy enters the wildflower field and approaches the suspicious, tentative, but curious Jackson. She holds out her hand and offers him a currant bun. It's at that moment, their eyes lock and Jackson kicks Krissy in the head and kills her. I mean he kicks her really hard, right in the head, her eyeball pops out and everything.

So, my question is, do I foreshadow this event - have a lucky horseshoe fall off the wall and hit Krissy in the face, etc. early on - or should I just leave it as a surprise?

Let me know.

I think she should win a fish at the fair, a big one, maybe called Percy that she keeps in a little bowl, but her mother flushes it down the toilet muttering darkly that nothing that comes from a fair or a circus can ever be good! hinting perhaps at Krissy's own heritage and why her mother has never told her who her father is.

It's good it's almost there.

But shouldn't someone have sex with the horse?

Where are the vampires?

Have vampire horses been done yet?

I did one last night.

Quote: Marc P @ March 21 2012, 3:23 PM GMT

but her mother flushes it down the toilet muttering darkly that nothing that comes from a fair or a circus can ever be good! hinting perhaps at Krissy's own heritage and why her mother has never told her who her father is.

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Like it, subtext, and you know what they say about subtext, rearrange the letters and you get butt sex.

Quote: sootyj @ March 21 2012, 3:44 PM GMT

But shouldn't someone have sex with the horse?

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I was going to write something about Jackson's impressive flanks, but I don't know what a flank is.

Quote: zooo @ March 21 2012, 6:19 PM GMT

Have vampire horses been done yet?

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zooo, I don't say this often, but you have struck pure gold. Write a book about vampire horses and you'll never have to work a day in your life again.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ March 21 2012, 9:28 PM GMT

I was going to write something about Jackson's impressive flanks, but I don't know what a flank is.

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And that's why you'll never hack it in the cavalry.

I wrote a sketch once about a vampire zepellin.

I smoke crack.

Quote: sootyj @ March 21 2012, 9:35 PM GMT

I wrote a sketch once about a vampire zepellin.

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That was a good year.

Unlike when I had 365 one night stands

that was a very good year

NMJ

Jury's still out on sex with horses. Maybe next time I'll go on top.

Firstly I'll fess up to not being nor ever having been an 8 - 13 year old girl. That said, last year I was a reading helper in a primary school and my 4 readers were 10-11 year old girls. Katie Price has a whole series of horse stories with her name on that seemed to go down well (add your own joke here).

I liked what you had written but have to admit to being surprised, not a nice surprise, at the ending. Not uplifting enough for me. You say it's a short novel so I'm thinking it's not a hefty tome like some of the Harry Potters for more confident readers, more of a just beginning to read on my own type of thing. I wonder if you're pitching the age correctly. I would say 8-11 it should be a well crafted but ultimately uplifting story but if you aimed at an older secondary school audience then perhaps the darker ending would be more palettable.

My twopenneth for what it's worth.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ March 21 2012, 9:28 PM GMT

I was going to write something about Jackson's impressive flanks, but I don't know what a flank is.

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Don't bring me into this.

Quote: steve by any other name @ March 22 2012, 9:45 AM GMT

I liked what you had written but have to admit to being surprised, not a nice surprise, at the ending. Not uplifting enough for me.

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Um, it was meant to be a cruel joke parodying childrens literature. Now feel extremely guilty that you actually went to the trouble of writing a critique.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ March 22 2012, 11:22 AM GMT

Don't bring me into this.

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But you were my inspiration flank boy. Where do you think I got the name?

[quote name="Renegade Carpark" post="862905" date="March 22 2012, 4:33 PM GMT"]Um, it was meant to be a cruel joke parodying childrens literature. Now feel extremely guilty that you actually went to the trouble of writing a critique.

O right.