Do you ever wanna rob someone just to do them a favour? No, seriously, I know robbing is wrong and in no way condone it unless its piracy obviously. I'm not saying either that I wanna go on a wild mugging rampage. It's just you get some people and robbing them probably, in the long run, be doing them a favour.
I feel some of you might not be getting where I'm at so here's a few examples so you see it's me doing the best thing for all.
First up, People who buy the most obvious laptop bags. I mean how stupid can you get.
You seem them a train stations, not only do I know you've gotta a laptop and by the extra padded laptop bag I can work out it's probably quite a pricy one and to further the likely odds of things turning sour their usually a computer nerd.
So if I can work that out n I'm a nice kind of guy what the f**k do you think a smack head can work out? They can work out serial numbers on laptop batteries by lifting there heads n smelling like a rat. And if there's more than one junky on a train for example, they give out high pitched noises to each other and start closing it like a military manoeuvre.
Do you see what I'm getting at people? Yes? Yes? No? Seems I'm not getting through to all of you. Let me think of another.
Ok, got one. Here's another type that needs a favour and that's the female Harvey niks shopper. I'm sure you've seen em. They usually have I one hand and iPhone, talking ridiculously loud to a friend about how papa only gave her 500 allowance for a new dress. And in the other hand they've got a £800 mulberry bag and the rest of arm is filled up with designer shopping bags. Now it's not the fact they have these items, it's the fact they hold them like they were Mary f**king Poppins.
These people live in a papa's money will protect me bubble, and I, for one am here to burst that bubble.
I understand whilst you're in the Louis Vuitton shop you can be a little care free, you're with your own kind, u have security around to make sure your safe. But news flash that safe zone ends when you exit the area. It aint a safe zone once your waiting outside the bus station, on the phone, trying to light up, have 2 grand's worth of goods waving in the air and you're telling a friend full blast that you're loaded. Again if I can spot it do you really think a junkie wont?
So, for the sake of their personal social evolution I raise my hand and say bags and phone please. And yes it would be that easy. You break a person's bubble all they do is freeze. Would this world not be a better place if heroes like me sacrifice their own crime free status just so they can live a life where they have an idea of security and special f**king awareness?
I'm just trying to do my bit, I'm being apart of Cameron's big society by volunteering my services free of charge. I should be knighted for this shit.
I see a few heads nodding, they feel my pain but I don't think all of you fully comprehend the level I'm playing on so, let me tell you another because I'm just not sure you're getting me.
I'm sure you've all seen this. You got to a bar with some friends and you're having a good time, chatting, drinking, and having fun. As the evening goes on you look around you at other tables and other people. Most are having a great time also but then you see those who, I dunno if it's a subconscious thing, are using their mobile phones and car keys like they were sirens to attract the opposite sex. 'look at me I have a new phone so I will commence in leaving it out in full view on the table, I will use any excuse to move and wiggle it in my hand because the fact I have a phone proves I'm financially stable and a defo catch the attention of those stupid enough to fall for this shit'.
And they're right to a certain extent it does catch attention, but not necessarily the attention they're looking for. I mean you stupid f**ks; do you not see how dumb a target that makes you? All id need to do is pay someone attractive £20 to take your attention away for 5 minutes and it's gone.
But even stupider still are those who do similar but with car keys. Ok if your phones taken your outta pocket a few hundred, you'll loose some photos but you'll survive. If I'm taking your keys and I get to your car then you're gonna feel the tard you deserve to be. Now you've lost your car, u and your friends can't get home, u can't get to work on time, u loose your job, you take up the hobby of cider drinking and end up the guy who stinks of piss on the bus. Luckily you met me first ill return your goods and the lesson will be learnt because I'm the good guy.
yeeaaaah, I see your beginning to get the bigger picture but there's still a few out there I see who still aren't getting it so let me give you another. Errrm
ok here's another one. Do you ever use the same coffee house? I don't know during you lunch break or just a regular Saturday thing. And after a while you see regular faces. But there's a person type there that just makes u wanna do them that favour. And that type is, the wanna be script writer coffee shop dweller.
Yes I see you and what you are and all you are is a guy who works in a call centre selling insurance but you feel the need to tell the world you not dead inside. So there you are on your lunch break using those precious 30 minutes to tell the world that I'm in this coffee shop and I'm a writer. My itab is on full display and I'm putting on my, I'm a deep thinker face. Firstly your script will be shit because to u it's about the persona not the material. But there's also a slight issue that you've over looked.
Your average junkie is a creature of habit. If they have money they buy smack. If they have smack theirs one other thing they buy. Coffee
now, is it me or can anyone else see the elephant?
if your spotted then that means bye bye itab and bye bye script never to be read, thank fully and maybe that junkie mugged u to do the world a favour but smakky Joe never gets the respect deserved.
Yeah you guys see where I'm coming from now, you see my passion; you feel my pain but let me give u just one more.
This one is most often seen during the first weeks of a new university year but usually never to be seen after. And there's a reason why for that but let me explain the person type first. The wanna be gangsta from some long forgotten mining village from somewhere like Derbyshire but not the poor part at the bottom of the hill the rich part where the mine owners used to live. Sure they think there all that, they've got the g-unit clothes, the chains and the rare ass mint condition addidas trainers. But this guy's been blinded by the romance of gangsta rap. Sure you're the main G but there's only 500 people in your village, you may have even sold a bit of weed to get reputation. But now you've finished college and uni beckons.
Well you may be top dog in your world but you're in Manchester now. The city where real gangstas don't take lightly to halfway crooks. And trust me they'll spot you and they'll befriend you and the moment they know exactly where you live and what you've got, they're gonna turn on you. So by by computer, by by turn tables, by by chunky chains and designer gear and by by you because the next day you'll be picked up by your middle class mum in her range rover. I can put a stop to that, sure you'll feel a little shame but all I'm taking is your chains and your trainers. But you get to live another day, u remain in uni and end up successful. All thanks to me.
But I can't just snatch and grab they need to remember this day for the rest of their lives because this is the moment there whole world turns to the better all thanks to me. You can buy me a drink later.
So for the sake of their security, wellbeing and reality to the real world, I feel a bitta tough love is in order. I want it to be the campest mugging ever.
So what I'd do is wait until the situation is set, follow them flank the victim/erm I mean participant from the front. Then I'd go up to their face, slowly pull off a silk glove and slap him across the face with it as hard as possible, take their goods and walk off. I guarantee there gonna protect themself from that in the future plus by making it so camp, and never gonna go to the police because a)what cop would believe that story and b)the shame of such an offence will make sure no 1else ever hears of it. You know, I know and that's enough. You know how a future that's real and not placed in a bubble. You'll go on to do great things and I will be forgotten. But I'm willing to be that unsung hero for the people.
hope you enjoy guys.
obviously this is standup so doesn't readed perfectly.
all comments are welcome and if poss cd you rate between 1(bad)and 10(good)
thanks
pete
