Quote: blahblah @ March 8 2012, 6:40 PM GMT
(Russian accent) People say the Russian people did not vote in election? Rubbish! I voted two hundred times
Like this
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMT
I had one of those Violins with strings made of Spider silk. I once played flight of the Bumblebee and managed
to catch 3 of the buggers.
If the Royal Opera House are staging the Little Mermaid and setting it in a brothel then I don't know why my
wife complains when I want to go to my local lap dancing club to see Bambi.
I knew that if we kept on losing at Eurovision that eventually we'd end up getting "The Hump"
A Top shop garment had the name Shakespeare spelt incorrectly. Well that doesn't say much about the education
standards of 5 year old Vietnamese Children.
Half of 11 year olds only play outside during school time. Poor little things! Don't these schools even have
computers they can play on?
They wanted that young lad to remove his Jolly Roger flag from his garden, I'm sorry but these Anti Piracy
laws have already gone too far
So Cameron's going to war on Cheap Booze & fags is he?. Yeah they tend to make me a bit fighty as well.
The German finance minister was caught playing Sudoku during a summit on Greek debt. He said that scribbling
random numbers down for fun may seem pointless, and that's why he decided to play Sudoku instead..
A conference was held today to discuss ways of reducing the high number of Frogs who die crossing the road. If
this is a success then they plan further conferences on topics such as avoiding barrels thrown by Apes &
defending your city against Space Invaders, ..
All very good. On fire, Mr Sunshine!
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 8 2012, 8:24 PM GMT
A French president walks into a bar. The barman says "what brings you in here?" He replies "the chasers".
Good gag. Not sure it's Newsjack though.
Quote: babetko85 @ March 8 2012, 10:01 PM GMT
Police have confirmed that Saturday's
International Bagpipe Day conference in London will go ahead despite objections from anti-drone protesters.
Good stuff.
Quote: Tursiops @ March 8 2012, 10:08 PM GMT
CORRECTIONS
The miraculous relic stolen by thieves in Dublin was, in fact, Lawrence O'Toole's heart; not Peter O'Toole's
liver.
Like this one
Quote: lippy @ March 8 2012, 10:22 PM GMT
And that was Newsjack from March 2012, shortly before the Jordanians finally agreed to accept the UK's most
outspoken hate cleric. Cardinal Keith O'Brien says he regrets his rant over gay marriage and hopes to return
to the UK one day.
Good
Quote: Big Jack @ March 8 2012, 10:25 PM GMT
(2)The UKIP Party Conference was so poorly attended because of their policy of not letting anyone in.
(4)(Old boy) All this fuss over gay marriage! Gay men should be happy with a civil partnership - my wife
and I haven't been civil to each other in years.
Like these two.
Quote: sootyj @ March 9 2012, 8:44 AM GMT
VOX POP (posh type)
The government should absolutely keep the 50p rate of tax.
I'm more than happy to pay 50p a year tax.
VOX POP
On the one hand I agree with that kid being allowed to fly a pirate flag in his garden.
But hijacking those ice cream vans and taking the milkman hostage is a bit much.
These two are good.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 9 2012, 5:32 PM GMT
JACKAPP:
If privatisation of the police service actually goes ahead, it would mean that anyone with enough money would
be able to buy their own police force. Presumably from PC World.
JACKAPP:
Ofsted inspectors have complained that music lessons in schools actually lack music. It was a similar story
with sex education at my school - not one bit of music, not even any of the Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wah stuff...
---
Liked these, hat-trick boy!
Quote: Park Bench @ March 9 2012, 7:30 PM GMT
The revolutionary Raspberry Pi has gone a sale. A cheap 'bare bones' computer, without a case, keyboard or monitor. In fact, if it had a meat filling, it would be an actual pie.
No matter how many books I put on my new Kindle, I still can't reach the blankets in the top of the wardrobe.
These are good.
Quote: Bomsh @ March 10 2012, 10:00 AM GMT
(Russian pensioner) Russian buses! You wait four years for bus to polling station, and then bus come and take you to five polling stations at once!
Funny.
My epic fails:
JACKAPP:
Sure, expensive Japanese spider silk is all well and good for your violins, but how will the working classes play theirs?
IN CAR:
I'm the chair of the SatNav summit, and what I'd really like to know is... where exactly is it? I'm a bit lost.
JACKAPP:
I'm completely lost at how to use these condoms with QR codes on them. So far, I've not even found a woman with an appropriately located scanner.
JACKAPP:
To the Scottish people not knowing how a fox grew to be 38lbs: stop farming fried chickens!
LIVID:
I think it's a disgrace that BT and TalkTalk have lost their appeal about cutting off illegal filesharers-- (DEAD LINE)
JACKAPP:
Erm... just about this new graduates being in lower-skilled jobs than ten years ago. Well, I graduated a few months ago and I'm the CEO of HBOS (WHISPERS) I don't know what I'm doing! Help. Me!
JACKAPP:
I think it's incredibly dangerous to give a 'learning' computer a job like sorting potatoes. You mark my words: first, it'll be doing the menial tasks but, before you know it, it'll be sat on a beanbag, playing computer games. Eating crisps.
JACKAPP:
Pupils with English as a second language are getting better results than native speakers? Bloody foreigners; coming over here, stealing our qualifications.
JACKAPP:
I wonder if AVB made any AVCs? He'll need them now.
ACTOR:
Acting may not be a proper job as far as The Passport Office are concerned, but I should be good enough to convince you it is!
JACKAPP:
The Government are stopping child benefits? I didn't even know they'd organised concerts!
BANK:
Hello? Mr... Jack? It's come to our attention that we may have missold you Payment Protection Insurance. While you're on the line, would you be interested in Accidental Anti-gravity Insurance?
RAUCOUS:
(NOISY KIDS IN BACKGROUND) It's an utter disgrace that this woman invented ten children just to claim benefits! Grumpy! Sneezy! Get off that couch!
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to the hackers who gained full functional control of key NASA computers. We apologise reservedly for claiming they would cause mayhem and thank them for bringing the space programme forward by fifty years in the space of a week.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to the Spanish players at the UK Pokemon Championships, who we claimed were thrown out of a hotel after throwing their own excrement at each other. They were actually only ejected when the shit hit the fans.
FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, in the week that Cher incorrectly declared her next tour would be her last. Her subsequent 75 tours all had the same claim, including three from California State Cryogenics Facility and the last two from Hades itself.
It was also the week that Tesco created 20,000 jobs in the UK, back in those halcyon days when there were other potential employers and Walkers' mystery flavours were released, rather embarrassingly now, as to this day no-one has guessed the correct flavours.
Next on Radio 4 Extra, So Not Graham Norton, describing the story of the undiscovered email from the BBC funnyman announcing his only male heir, the ultra-conservative Cardinal Keith Norton, who inherited the Friday night chat show and was solely responsible for the beginning of the Unenlightenment.
Dan
