RE: A Sketch

Hi. Simon reporting for duty. Would value constructive comments mainly on layout/presentation. Ta

(273) COFFEE WITH NEIL:

EXT. COFFEE SHOP SEATING AREA - DAY

TWO CUPS OF FROTHY LATTE ARE PLACED DOWN AT A TABLE. A FORTY AGED SOMETHING MAN PULLS OUT A CHAIR AND TAKES A SEAT. AN AMPLE BREASTED TWENTY SOMETHING GIRL, WEARING A LOW CUT-REVEALING TOP AND CLUTCHING MULTIPLE CARRIER BAGS TAKES A SEAT OPPOSITE THE MAN. AS THE GIRL SITS DOWN SHE POSITIONS THE CARRIER BAGS BESIDE HER CHAIR.

GIRL: Thanks for coming shopping with me today Neil. (SMILES)

THE MAN RETURNS A SMILE, PICKS UP HIS CUP OF LATTE AND OFFERS IT UP TO HIS MOUTH. THE GIRL POSITIONS HER ELBOWS ONTO THE TABLE AMPLIFYING HER GENEROUS CLEAVAGE OOZING OVER HER LOW CUT REVEALING TOP.

GIRL: It’s nice because Mum’s other boyfriend’s never really took time to do anything with me.

THE MAN LOWERS THE CUP OF LATTE BACK TO THE TABLE AND NERVOUSLY SMILES AT THE GIRL. THE GIRL THEN REMOVES HER ELBOWS FROM THE TABLE AND PLACES ONE HAND FIRMLY AROUND HER CUP OF LATTE. WITH A FINGER EXTENDED FROM HER OTHER HAND SHE BEGINS TO RUN A PAINTED FINGERNAIL SLOWLY AROUND THE EDGE OF THE CUP.

GIRL: You seem like the sort of bloke who doesn’t mince his words. (PAUSE) I bet you’re the sort of guy who likes to give it to people straight, the way it should be? I like that in a man. (RAISES EYEBROWS)

THE MAN RETURNS ANOTHER SMILE, PICKS UP HIS CUP OF LATTE, AND AGAIN OFFERS IT UP TO HIS MOUTH. THE GIRL THEN REMOVES HER HANDS FROM THE CUP AND LOWERS HER ARMS BESIDE HER SIDES. SHE LEANS FORWARD AMPLIFYING HER GENEROUS CLEAVAGE EVEN MORE. SHE STARES DEEPLY AND SEDUCTIVELY INTO THE MAN’S EYES.

GIRL: So Neil. (PAUSE) Or should I call you Dad? (ROLLS TONGUE ACROSS LIPS) Be honest with me, which do you prefer, pink or brown?

WITH THE CUP OF LATTE STEADILY RESTING ON THE MANS LOWER LIP READY FOR DRINKING, HE RAPIDLY EXHALES A BURST OF AIR, BLOWING THE FROTH FROM THE TOP OF THE DRINK. THE FROTH PROPELS FORWARDS SPLATTERING THE GIRLS FACE AND OPEN CLEAVAGE.THE LATTE-COVERED GIRL PAUSES MOMENTARILY.

(PAUSE HERE FOR AS LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE)

THE GIRL THEN LIFTS HER ARMS UPWARDS, HOLDING ALOFT TWO T-SHIRTS SUSPENDED ON COAT HANGERS. ONE OF WHICH IS COLOURED PINK, THE OTHER COLOURED BROWN.

END Simon Kidney/writer4hire.me.uk

Hello Simon

As far as I'm aware presentation is OK.

Regarding the sketch I don't think it's strong enough to stand on itsown but could be part of a longer piece or sitcom.

Regarding the pink or brown comment...i'm assuming you're referring to nipples. But what I don't get, is she MEANING to be seductive to get her mum's boyfriend to buy things for her? Or is it just by accident?

Layout and Presentation: Looks fine to me and easy to read...But I'm no pro!

Quote: EllieJP @ January 20, 2008, 12:19 PM

But I'm no pro!

View original

That's not what your customers say.

Quote: EllieJP @ January 20, 2008, 12:19 PM

Regarding the pink or brown comment...i'm assuming you're referring to nipples. But what I don't get, is she MEANING to be seductive to get her mum's boyfriend to buy things for her? Or is it just by accident?

View original

You clearly don't play enough snooker.
It's obviously a snooker term, although how sex is involved baffles me.

He thinks she's asking if he wants to get out his cue and try the easy pink or the tight brown. Simple screw shot.

And I thought the directions were a bit wordy.

Quote: James Williams @ January 20, 2008, 2:41 PM

He thinks she's asking if he wants to get out his cue and try the easy pink or the tight brown. Simple screw shot.
.

View original

You disgust me!

>_<

Quote: EllieJP @ January 20, 2008, 12:19 PM

Regarding the pink or brown comment...i'm assuming you're referring to nipples.

View original

I hope thats true I ask this question before I even buy a girl a drink.

It was a good sketch. Been done before but not quite like this I don't think.