Toilet Cake

Hi All

My first post! Admittedly I’ve done a little spying before plucking up the courage to post any work. I look forward to your comments.

INT. A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN WALKS CONFIDENTLY INTO A LABORATORY. A SCIENTIST IN A WHITE COAT WATCHES HIM WALK IN AND HURRIEDLY GOES AND GREETS HIM.

Scientist:
(Stuttering) Oh Mr. Pollock, so very glad you could make it down we are so very excited about your visit. We’ve been working terribly hard of late.

Mr. Pollock:
Stop your incessant mumbling, give me the facts, the figures, the results.

Scientist:
Oh I do beg your pardon Mr. Pollock I do get rather nervous when you come down……

Mr. Pollock:
Come on geek I haven’t got all day.

Scientist:
Well we’ve recently discovered how to remove the alco-pop smell.

Mr. Pollock:
Well that’s progress, give me more

Scientist:
We’ve learnt that we can eradicate pork-scratching scent

Mr. Pollock:
Not bad, not bad, give me some more

Scientist:
The Big Mac whiff.

Mr. Pollock:
More

Scientist:
The Egg fried rice stink

Mr. Pollock:
Interesting

Scientist:
Ferrero Roche

Mr. Pollock:
More

Scientist:
Peanut butter

Mr. Pollock:
More

Scientist:
Calgon

Mr Pollock:
What!? Oh for god sake. For 50 years my family have run this premiere toilet
cake factory, we’ve removed every stench out of urine, from larger to
beef from salmon to marmite. But one pong evades our attacks, one hum
outwits our tactics. Tell me geek have we done the impossible? Have we
uncovered the Holy Grail of the toilet cake world?

Scientist:
(Pause) I’m sorry sir

Mr. Pollock:
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh God damn you asparagus!

Hello Mr.A and welcome to the forum,

I liked where this sketch was going but it fell flat, I reckon if you could work the punchline:

Scientist:
(Pause) I’m sorry sir

Mr. Pollock:
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh God damn you urine!

See what I did there? Defeating the object of what urine cakes are used for in the first place ... Ok I'll stop now

Anyway don't let this put you off posting material again, it was a well written sketch, just needs some tweaking.

I actually quite liked the surreal ending and I liked the subject matter. Good post.

Well written and good pacing but not a very convincing ending.

OK if you were going for surreal perhaps but the rest was quite traditional and if you could come up with a better punchline then I think it's agood 'un

I love the scenario (I've longed to write a urinal cake sketch myself) but the punchline is weak as is. I found the boss being called Mr. Pollock was a bit distracting too. I kept thinking you were going for a 'piss artist' gag.

In true Mr A style I will decide if this sketch is good or evil... Its good

I think the aggression between the two people is only delaying the start of the sketch, the actors can still present the domineering boss / grovelling employee relationship through words and actions / body language.

I'd cut the line about the scientist being nervous as he's clearly intimidated by the boss in the stammering. Possibly shorten the opening to:

Quote: Mr. A @ January 18, 2008, 3:45 PM

INT. A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN WALKS CONFIDENTLY INTO A LABORATORY. A SCIENTIST IN A WHITE COAT WATCHES HIM WALK IN AND HURRIEDLY GOES AND GREETS HIM.

Scientist:
(Stuttering) Oh Mr. Pollock, so glad you could make it down, we --

Mr. Pollock:
Come on geek, give me the facts, the figures, the results. I haven’t got all day.

Scientist:
Well we’ve recently discovered how to remove the alco-pop smell.

Mr. Pollock:
Well that’s progress, give me more

View original

Plus this section:

Quote: Mr. A @ January 18, 2008, 3:45 PM

Mr. Pollock: For 50 years my family have run this premiere toilet cake factory, we’ve removed every stench out of urine, from larger to beef from salmon to marmite. But one pong evades our attacks, one hum outwits our tactics. Tell me geek have we done the impossible? Have we uncovered the Holy Grail of the toilet cake world?

View original

The opening phrase is just exposition, every person in the sketch knows this fact, so why is it being said? For the viewer's benefit. But is that information: 50 years / family run / premiere REALLY needed for the gag? Personally I'd say no.

Better to start that section at "We've removed every ...." The speech still makes exactly the same sense and places the toilet cake payload at the very end of his dialogue.

Hope that helps.

Hello Mr A

This is very well written and love the way it flows (no pun intended). Now I know that asparagus does very strange things to wee wee, there's a place in the Cotswolds with really stinky loos during the asparagus season, I think some pub specialises in asparagus foods, I digress... anyway it made me chuckle. Keep writing pal.

I would not exchange the word 'Asparagus' for 'Urine
For me the 'exposition' is vital to tie with the punchline.
Not all sketches require 'unforgetable' endings.
Your sketch is as good as any you will find on this site, even those written by the 'experts'

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 19, 2008, 3:39 PM

Not all sketches require 'unforgetable' endings.

View original

Unless you want people to remember them

Mannikin bird you have educated me

Quote: roscoff @ January 20, 2008, 11:14 AM

Mannikin bird you have educated me

View original

Why thankyou. It also increases compassion in people, so bring on the asparagus season that's what I say.