Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMTThe German finance minister was caught playing Sudoku during a summit on Greek debt. He said that scribbling random numbers down for fun may seem pointless, and that's why he decided to play Sudoku instead..
My fave, and what I would say about Steve's is that in each case he has expertly nailed the gag.
Police have confirmed that Saturday's International Bagpipe Day conference in London will go ahead despite objections from anti-drone protesters.
Friends of the late Davy Jones have denied rumours that the Monkees star was once sacked for incompetence by Dignitas. Staff at the Swiss suicide clinic had claimed that Jones was too busy singing to put anybody down.
After a lengthy appeal, Britain's rhythmic gymnasts will be able to compete at London 2012 after all. "They've really made us jump through hoops," said coach Val Tinghorse.
Google was so pleased with the positive reaction to its St David's Day red dragon doodle that it is to launch a Welsh language search engine called Gogogogogogle.
A Commons report has called on the BBC to be more business-minded. "The BBC must maximise its commercial income," said MP Richard Bacon [SIZZLING SOUND EFFECT], available from all good butchers.
CORRECTIONS
The miraculous relic stolen by thieves in Dublin was, in fact, Lawrence O'Toole's heart; not Peter O'Toole's liver.
When we reported that police had actively facilitated hacking by employees of News International, and that the then leader of the opposition, David Cameron had been taken for a ride, we should have made clear that 'hacking' is a form of equestrian exercise. And David Cameron is a chump.
In turns out that the invading aliens threatening Antarctica are introduced plant species, not, as we reported, shape-shifting creatures from outer space. We apologise for any hysteria we may have caused.
THE NEWSJACK APP
I suppose it is depressing that a third of young women would sooner have big boobs than a high IQ, but at least they're halfway to achieving their wish.
It has got to be worthwhile punt for Camelot to go to law to get this Health Lottery closed down. So long as the odds are no more than fourteen million to one they'd be mugs not to.
Hello I am Norwegian. On the radio it is saying there could be a new Stamford Bridge. No we are peaceful now! Can't you forget?!
I heard that Sarkozy is anticipating defeat by Hollande. I know the French have a history of this sort of thing but surrendering to the Dutch?
Hello all, I've been lurking for a while - but having got my first nearly but didn't make the edit email from the BBC, I feel I've earned my spurs to post here with credibility but with sufficient humility because I didn't make the bloody show.
Anyway for my own learning curve, I'm really keen to know what material seemed to float their boat. And in particular whether it was a one-liner or a sketch. So does Stephen M - or anyone who went to the recording - recall any of the material below used. Or did they use one of my sketches?
1. EasyCop - stelios' new no-frills police service
2. Steve Hilton clearing immigration in the States
3. Home Sec in Jordan seeking assurance about Qatada.
JACKAPPS:
Hello you've dialled the campaign to improve National Numeracy. Press the single unity for news, the only even prime number for contact details, or the cube root of 27 for the operator.
OLD CALLER: I had one of those metal on metal hip replacements recently. I can't walk anymore but I can get Radio 2 on my left leg.
CALLER: Hello. This is the privatised police service. You're under arrest. You don't have to say anything, but anything you do say will be written down and used against you in a marketing campaign.
YOUNG CALLER: Michael Gove says we don't have to do no more homework. I agree with him 'cos we do too much learning and stuff already. Who's Michael Gove?
CALLER: Hello. Moody's. Yes I'm afraid we've had to further downgrade Greece's credit rating, from MasterCard to Wonga.com.
CALLER: I entered the world pasty competition in Cornwall this week, but came last. The judge said my filling was offal.
AND FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from March 2012, shortly before the Jordanians finally agreed to accept the UK's most outspoken hate cleric. Cardinal Keith O'Brien says he regrets his rant over gay marriage and hopes to return to the UK one day.
And that was Newsjack from March 2012, the year in which Engelbert Humperdinck sadly died on stage at the Eurovision song contest - much like most recent British entries.
Thank you muchly. Please don't let it be the pasty joke. I'm so ashamed x
Pick of my failures this week. I went to the recording - it was fantastic this week - no shame in not getting on, guys.
CORRECTIONS
(1)We would like to apologise to Tulisa for our earlier report which suggested she had been caught trying to smuggle skunk through customs. It was, of course, a Rabbit.
NEWSJACK APP
(2)The UKIP Party Conference was so poorly attended because of their policy of not letting anyone in.
(3)In South Africa a man has been hospitalised after he was head butted by a giraffe. That's not news! Man head butts giraffe - now that's news...
(4)(Old boy) All this fuss over gay marriage! Gay men should be happy with a civil partnership - my wife and I haven't been civil to each other in years.
(5)Now there's going to be two new cameras in the House of Commons for filming at the front of Prime Minister's Questions we'll have close ups of both Nick Clegg's faces.
(6)It's dead clever right, them Cambridge students, selling ad space on their faces - if Jimmy Carr had thought of that he'd have cleaned up.
(7)It's not the kids being stupid, it's the maffs that is wrong. I mean, we've got, like, 30 in the class but everyone has bought an eighth...
AND FINALLY...
(8)That was Newsjack, first broadcast in the week that marked 50 years since members of Royal College of Physicians established the link between smoking and poor health. They're all dead now.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 8 2012, 10:25 PM GMT(3)In South Africa a man has been hospitalised after he was head butted by a giraffe. That's not news! Man head butts giraffe - now that's news...
(4)(Old boy) All this fuss over gay marriage! Gay men should be happy with a civil partnership - my wife and I haven't been civil to each other in years.
Like both those.
VOX POP
You know who should do the Mets job for them?
McDonalds, they could beat a confession out of you and call it.
A McWhack and Lies.
VOX POP (posh type)
The government should absolutely keep the 50p rate of tax.
I'm more than happy to pay 50p a year tax.
VOX POP
On the one hand I agree with that kid being allowed to fly a pirate flag in his garden.
But hijacking those ice cream vans and taking the milkman hostage is a bit much.
CORRECTION
We apologise for our piece last week on how people who were sold PPI could gain redress for unexpected and unfair fees.
PPI is a form of insurance and not a university,
VOX POP
I'm glad Brazil's economies over taken England.
I'm looking forward to looking at their behind.
Terrible I know.
But like a shirt ironed in exchange for herbs.
I was pressed for time.
My rejected efforts from this week.
Corrections
We'd like to apologise for attributing a quote from the Catholic Church on gay marriage to a "carl anal". Something was inserted where it shouldn't have been.
Jack Apps
MUM:
So the government is incentivising councils to encourage breastfeeding by topping up grants they've only just cut! Talk about tit for tat.
OLD DEAR:
It'll take more than a council payout to get me breastfeeding. And my 43-year-old son feels the same way.
News One-liners
OFCOM has ruled that an expletive used by a contestant during last years X-factor was "unacceptable". Here at Newsjack we don't have such restrictions and can therefore say, without fear of censure, that the X-factor is shit.
A report this week found that two thirds of 16 year olds would rather struggle on in silence during Maths lessons than look stupid by asking for help. Idiots.
It's been revealed that what a politician wears round their neck often reflects how they're viewed among their colleagues? So in a recent cabinet photo it's the old school tie for George Osborne, and something dotty for Ken Clarke. Andrew Lansley? Difficult to see with David Cameron's hands round his throat.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMT
They wanted that young lad to remove his Jolly Roger flag from his garden, I'm sorry but these Anti Piracy laws have already gone too far
The German finance minister was caught playing Sudoku during a summit on Greek debt. He said that scribbling random numbers down for fun may seem pointless, and that's why he decided to play Sudoku instead..
Liked these two a lot. Good work Steve.
An impressive set of one-liners there Steve, particularly liked these:
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMTApparently Nestle have decided to go completely natural. Even the Milky bar Kid isn't allowed to use fake bullets anymore.
If the Royal Opera House are staging the Little Mermaid and setting it in a brothel then I don't know why my wife complains when I want to go to my local lap dancing club to see Bambi.
I knew that if we kept on losing at Eurovision that eventually we'd end up getting "The Hump"
A Top shop garment had the name Shakespeare spelt incorrectly. Well that doesn't say much about the education standards of 5 year old Vietnamese Children.
They wanted that young lad to remove his Jolly Roger flag from his garden, I'm sorry but these Anti Piracy laws have already gone too far
The German finance minister was caught playing Sudoku during a summit on Greek debt. He said that scribbling random numbers down for fun may seem pointless, and that's why he decided to play Sudoku instead..
Quote: Nodz @ March 9 2012, 9:20 AM GMTCorrections
We'd like to apologise for attributing a quote from the Catholic Church on gay marriage to a "carl anal". Something was inserted where it shouldn't have been.OFCOM has ruled that an expletive used by a contestant during last years X-factor was "unacceptable". Here at Newsjack we don't have such restrictions and can therefore say, without fear of censure, that the X-factor is shit.
The correction made me laugh, but doesn't feel right in tone for NJ - as for the X Factor gag, they DO have restrictions on language, I don't think 'shit' is one they're expressly not allowed to use (unlike 'the big 3') but I think it's unlikely to feature, so maybe tone down the 'norty bits' for next week?
Quote: babetko85 @ March 8 2012, 10:01 PM GMTGoogle was so pleased with the positive reaction to its St David's Day red dragon doodle that it is to launch a Welsh language search engine called Gogogogogogle.
I loved this one! I would've tried it like this though:
Google was so pleased with the positive reaction to its St David's Day red dragon doodle that it is to launch a Welsh language search engine called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoogle.
I can see them putting that one in to try to stitch Justin up during the recording.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 9 2012, 11:29 AM GMTI loved this one! I would've tried it like this though:
Google was so pleased with the positive reaction to its St David's Day red dragon doodle that it is to launch a Welsh language search engine called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoogle.
I can see them putting that one in to try to stitch Justin up during the recording.
Yes that's much better, thanks. I'll save it for March 1st 2013 then!
My pick from this week's bunch...
Quote: blahblah @ March 8 2012, 6:40 PM GMT(Russian accent) People say the Russian people did not vote in election? Rubbish! I voted two hundred times
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMTSo Cameron's going to war on Cheap Booze & fags is he?. Yeah they tend to make me a bit fighty as well.
Thieves stole weights belonging to Worlds Strongest man contestant Wayne Russell. Police are asking witnesses if they noticed anything strange at the time, such as anyone pulling a getaway car with their teeth.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 8 2012, 10:25 PM GMT(2)The UKIP Party Conference was so poorly attended because of their policy of not letting anyone in.
(3)In South Africa a man has been hospitalised after he was head butted by a giraffe. That's not news! Man head butts giraffe - now that's news...
Loved the giraffe, along with the Steve Sunshine's strongman/getaway car gag. Nice and silly...
Quote: Nodz @ March 9 2012, 9:20 AM GMTOLD DEAR:
It'll take more than a council payout to get me breastfeeding. And my 43-year-old son feels the same way.
Here are my rejects - I'll include a couple of the ones that made it, so you can see how they were reworked...
INTRO:
A new charity reports that almost half the adults in England have the maths skills of a primary school pupil. The pupil in question, an 8 year old from Devon, is said to be utterly exhausted and just wants to sit down for a bit and watch the X Factor.
JACKAPP:
I was shocked when I heard that a patient in an NHS hospital was discovered with a rat chewing on his neck while he was under sedation. These alternative therapies are getting WAY out of hand.
JACKAPP:
If privatisation of the police service actually goes ahead, it would mean that anyone with enough money would be able to buy their own police force. Presumably from PC World.
JACKAPP:
It's just good sense to prevent olympic athletes from shaking hands to prevent the spread of viruses, the last thing you'd want is to be involved in a 100 metre dash for the toilet against Usain Bolt.
JACKAPP:
Unbelievable! Hackers took control of NASA's computers thirteen times in the last year, how hard is it for NASA to install some security software? I mean, it's not exactly rocket science, is it?
JACKAPP:
Kids today don't know anything about the Falklands war, they just don't get the importance of the whole issue. What they don't realise is that if the Falklands had actually won the last war, we'd all be waddling and speaking penguin now.
JACKAPP:
Great news about Englebert Humperdinck, if we want to have any chance of winning Eurovision then we need a really big name to represent us.
JACKAPP:
The last time Keith Allen interviewed a celebrity for his TV show, his subject, Keith Floyd, died on the day of broadcast. So, you can imagine my disappointment the day after I watched 'Keith Allen Meets Nick Griffin'.
JACKAPP:
Ofsted inspectors have complained that music lessons in schools actually lack music. It was a similar story with sex education at my school - not one bit of music, not even any of the Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wah stuff...
CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for reporting that as many as 20 million people could be suffering from a previously undiagnosed life wasting disease. The report should actually have stated that Lady Gaga is the first celebrity to attain 20 million followers on Twitter.
---
I agonised over the NASA one. Is it too obvious? Probably. But I still like it. I tried changing the end to say brain surgery instead of rocket science, which I think may have worked better, but also may just have confused people...
The Englebert Humperdinck line was one they went with, but they switched it around and it works better their way. The Danny Care intro was used in the show pretty much word for word.
I liked the idea of the Lady Gaga correction, but the exceution let me down, I couldn't nail it, really.
Here's the And Finally I sent:
That was Newsjack from all the way back in March 2012, when a trade embargo with Argentina meant that Fray Bentos ration books were issued for the first time in 30 years, and tins of corned beef were changing hands on the black market for more than £1000 per kilo, making it worth more than gold, oil, and the entire Greek economy.
It was also the week that the police force were criticised for their plans to allow private companies to carry out police duties. The fears were largely unwarranted though, as it was pointed out that News International had their own private police force for years, and nothing bad had come of that.
Next on BBC Radio Four Extra, a gripping drama set in the shadowy world of News International's private police force, it's If You Want To Run The Times, Ask A Policeman.
So they took the Argentina part, trimmed it and reworked the ending, making it a little snappier.
I wasn't entirely sure that Fray Bentos was Argentinian so I Googled it, and Hey, it's not, it's Uruguayan. So I almost didn't send it, in the end I figured it would be one of those popular misconceptions that everybody believes. Hurrah!
The NI part may actually be defamatory/libellous, so no wonder they didn't touch it... 
Cheers...
One Liners:
UK mobile phone companies have been told to let their contract customers restrict how much they spend to avoid unexpectedly high bills, in an effort stop so-called "bill shock". Only last year, a national newspaper folded due to the costs of retrieving voicemail.
The revolutionary Raspberry Pi has gone a sale. A cheap 'bare bones' computer, without a case, keyboard or monitor. In fact, if it had a meat filling, it would be an actual pie.
A performance for the British troops by James Blunt and Katherine Jenkins had to be cancelled this week due to a technical fault with their aircraft transport. RAF investigators are still trying to ascertain how 30 spanners were accidentally left in the aircraft's engine.
Jack Apps:
My girlfriend has told me that if I don't get a job, she's leaving me. I hate these government 'Get Britain Working' initiatives.
No matter how many books I put on my new Kindle, I still can't reach the blankets in the top of the wardrobe.
Quote: Park Bench @ March 9 2012, 7:30 PM GMTNo matter how many books I put on my new Kindle, I still can't reach the blankets in the top of the wardrobe.
Nicely silly.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 9 2012, 5:32 PM GMTMy pick from this week's bunch...
JACKAPP:
Unbelievable! Hackers took control of NASA's computers thirteen times in the last year, how hard is it for NASA to install some security software? I mean, it's not exactly rocket science, is it?
I think this is funny.
I get the feeling though that jokes like this, which work, but aren't that new an idea maybe are less likely to make it as when the poor script editor has to trawl through thousands of jokes, half of which work to some degree, it's the jokes that do something really different that make it.
Having said that they have had some more obvious gags on the show so it's impossible to be sure!