Newsjack rejection. Americans spending 50 Billion

on pet accessories.

I know it's too long. I also thought it was not the kind of stuff they go for but last weeks show was very different in tone asnd style to the week before and I thougth it might be worth a try. I still think its funny. Apologies to any dog lovers out there.

JUSTINIt has been reported that Americans spent over 50 Billion Dollars last year on their pets. As you would imagine the majority of this money was spent on vets bills, insurance and in the case of Englebert Humperdink's dog tanning lotion, but in these times of international internet shopping and recession we at newsjack with a little imagination and some stuff we found lying around the office have decided to help our idiot American cousins part with their money and send it where it is most needed, behind the newsjack bar, via the newsjack shop of course.

AMERICAN MALEFifi, Fifi, Oh no, where can my little Angel be?

FX. Dog bark. Sex noise and a sigh.

AMERICAN MALEFifi No! You have been defiled again, (optional you slut bitch!) What am I going to do?

FX. Newsjack shop music.

FEMALE Maybe we at the Newsjack shop can help.

AMERICAN MALEHuh?

FEMALEAre you sick of your dog getting rogered when you are not looking? Then look no further than the new newsjack range of pet accessories.

AMERICAN MALEOh.

FEMALETry our new dog chastity system for only Nine Nine Nine Ninety Nine plus taxes. Made from the very best reclaimed asbestos it comes in a range of different colours.

AMERICAN MALEBut how does it work?

FEMALEGlad you asked, it works like this. Fifi come here! All you do is put this this...

AMERICAN MALE...It looks like a wine cork.

FEMALEYes it does doesn't it, in to here.

FX. Yelp.

FEMALEThere all done.

AMERICAN MALEHmm, I'm not sure. Could it fall out?

FEMALENo, because we have developed our very own patented holding in apparatus which we are including with the system for free.

AMERICAN MALEFree?

FEMALEFree.

FX. The sound of sellotape been pulled off a roll.

FEMALEThere.

AMERICAN MALEOh that's amazing, I don't have to worry about Fifi and her slut behaviour anymore. Bitch!

FEMALEWait there's more.

AMERICAN MALEThere is?

FEMALEYes. Do you find that with your busy life you don't always have the time to walk your dog?

AMERICAN MALEAha.

FEMALEThen we have the answer for you. For only Nine Nine Nine Ninety Nine plus taxes you can buy our alternative to dog walking.

AMERICAN MALEWhat is it?

FEMALEIt's our very own Dog leg remover.

FX. The sound of a chainsaw

FEMALEIt works like this. See, (fx.Yelp) that's one (fx.Yelp) Two (fx.Yelp) Three (fx.Yelp) and Four.

AMERICAN MALEWow that's awesome. No legs no walking, and I won't have to pay those expensive dog walkers bills anymore.

FEMALENo you won't.

AMERICAN MALEAnd it's so humane. Tell me do you have any other items in your shop?

FEMALEWhy yes we do. Have you always wanted a Golden Retriever but never had the room?

AMERICAN MALEAha.

FEMALEThen now you can turn any dog Blonde.

AMERICAN MALEI can. How?

FEMALEPass me that bottle.

AMERICAN MALEThe one that has Industrial Strength Bleach crossed out and on which someone has written Newsjack Dog Dye, Blonde, only Nine Nine Nine Ninety Nine plus taxes in Biro?

FEMALEThat's the one.

AMERICAN MALEHere.

FEMALEThanks. All you do is put on the protective gloves...

FX. Latex Gloves snapping noise

FEMALE... unscrew the cap.

AMERICAN MALEAha.

FEMALEPosition your dog on the special matting provided. Fifi lie Down! (laugh) Only joking. And then you just pour... and before your very eyes...

AMERICAN MALE...A blonde Fifi just like I have always wanted. Thank you Newsjack international internet pet shop.

FEMALEYou're welcome.

Off mic

FEMALEFancy a Coffee?

AMERICAN MALEYeah. Is she supposed to smoke like that?

FEMALEI think so.

AMERICAN MALEOk.

This just isn't a Newsjack sketch. That's about all I can say...

Yeah, unfortunately I don't think it's a topical subject, plus it really needed to be edited.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 8 2012, 9:13 PM GMT

Yeah, unfortunately I don't think it's a topical subject, plus it really needed to be edited.

View original

This.

*claims prize for laziest critique of he week.

When your'e not wrong your'e right. It wasn't the top story of the week I grant you but...

On a serious note can you explain what you mean about editing? If it is the way it is set out here I am going to blame copy and paste and idleness, when sent it was in the correct format. If you mean something else I would be eager to know what.

Thanks in advance

Davey

My advice. Listen to the latest show. Pick your favourite sketch. Actually write it out on the page to see what it looks like. At least that will give you some idea of the shape of a NJ sketch.

There is too much waffle and not enough jokes. If it's not a punchline or a setup cut it, if it detracts from the theme cut it, be economical.

Quote: Will Cam @ March 8 2012, 9:35 PM GMT

This.

*claims prize for laziest critique of he week.

View original

This.

*

Hi Davey

It's way too long. Needs editing down; that's what everyone is saying (ie nothing to do with formatting if that's your concern). Even the intro is too long. For example:

JUSTINIt has been reported that Americans spent over 50 Billion Dollars last year on their pets. As you would imagine the majority of this money was spent on vets bills, insurance and in the case of Englebert Humperdink's dog tanning lotion, but in these times of international internet shopping and recession we at newsjack with a little imagination and some stuff we found lying around the office have decided to help our idiot American cousins part with their money and send it where it is most needed, behind the newsjack bar, via the newsjack shop of course.

could easily be:
JUSTINLast year, Americans spent over 50 Billion Dollars on their pets. The majority of this was spent on vets, insurance and, in the case of Englebert Humperdink's dog, tanning lotion. We have decided to help our idiot cousins part with their money and send it where it is needed most: behind the Newsjack bar. By utilising the Newsjack shop.

and lose nothing.

If you listen to a Newsjack Shop sketch, you'll notice that this doesn't really fit in that tone. Might have been better trying a spin on it, such as 'Newsjack USA' or 'NewsjackShop.com' or something.

Dan

Thank you all for this. I am honestly trying to learn and appreciate everyone taking the time to read and reply. I actually have some time off work this weekend and will take some to follow all advice (unless it's jumping off a cliff).

Once again thanks and have a great weekend.

Davey