Both funny as gags. Neither right for Newsjack.
Dan
NewsJack Rejections. Series 6 Page 6
Quote: swerytd @ March 6 2012, 3:56 PM GMTBoth funny as gags. Neither right for Newsjack.
Dan
Aye. I've gone with a more sedate tone in my proper submissions.
This was last week's, first time submitting joke to NJ.
Finally saw Spielberg's War Horse; I've heard Vietnam's were better.
I thought The Artist was great, easily the best silent film I've seen since Kate Holmes' conception video.
A mixed reception for the Indian workers' strike. Pakistan complained that India had the rails up.
There was a sour taste after St. Paul's eviction this week. "But I've been there for years!" said Paul.
A study has found sleeping tablets to increase the risk of death. I hate when people complain that things work too well.
Given the party's propensity for being full of hot air, it's no surprise to see Cameron defending his wind power policies.
Sorry, bit late replying to this one. Thanks for all your input and comments on my rejects last week...
These ones really made me laugh:
Quote: blahblah @ March 1 2012, 5:57 PM GMTPeople are saying whales should have human rights now. First Scotland now Wales!
Quote: blackbroom @ March 1 2012, 6:03 PM GMTDo you think they ought to cancel the Ultravox comeback tour? Only, they're saying that this Schmallenberg virus might be being spread by Midge.
My mate told me he knew what the President of Argentina wanted for her birthday. I said, "Chocolates?" He said, "No, Malvinas."
I snorted with laughter when I read the chocolates/Malvinas one on the train on the way home. 
Not sure it's right for a JackApp, but I liked it anyway.
Quote: Garry Lee @ March 1 2012, 6:08 PM GMTI heard that Alex Salmond finally announced his preferred date in The Sun on Sunday - good luck to him; I've never had any success with lonely-hearts ads.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMTAn energy firm have posted a profit of over half a billion pounds. Somebody needs to turn off Whitney Houston's tap.
We were wrong to condemn a picture of an Al-Qaeda ringleader in a Facebook car insurance ad. It was a good deal, if you sign up, you get 72 free days with Virgin.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 1 2012, 8:51 PM GMTINTRO:
Polish Criminals were foiled while attempting to smuggle Cocaine inside a consignment of Tropical Fish. Suspicions were raised that Drugs were present when Police identified a Big Fish, a Little Fish & a Cardboard box.CORRECTION:
In last weeks show we stated that the Burnley Council were taking drastic steps to combat joke theft in the region what we should have said is that the council have decided to ban Chuggers
Anything which has bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox as a punchline gets my vote.
This bit is StephenM commenting on my Trump/Wind gag with Jodie the work experience sound engineer.
Quote: StephenM @ March 2 2012, 3:13 PM GMTI liked this one. And nice try for a 'running' gag from last week with the teenage work experience girl. They rarely go for them alas.
...but they have done running gags in the past (the insane royal correspondent), so I thought it was definitely worth the punt. And they did go with Jodie as a character again last week, but they'd moved it on to a new direction, which is probably better, as it keeps it fresh.
RJ reworking my fur/uggie the dog joke:
Quote: RJ @ March 1 2012, 11:28 PM GMTHow about just...
ANGRY WOMAN:
I was outraged to see one of the actors wearing fur on the red carpet at the Oscars... until I realised it was that dog from The Artist...
Yeh, that's pretty good. I had a couple of permutations of the joke and I span it round in my head for a while until I setlled on the one that I submitted. My one reservation was whether you'd know who Uggie the Dog was, so I think your way is better, it works even if you don't know what The Artist is and that there's a dog in it. Thanks!
I'll try to be more prompt with my replies next week.
Quote: masterfox20 @ March 6 2012, 6:34 PM GMTFinally saw Spielberg's War Horse; I've heard Vietnam's were better.
Nice gag Sam.
Too many to quote but there are loads of cracking one liners being churned out by everyone here, am always amazed that more don't get chosen but at the same time it's a short time slot so they can't do the impossible.
Not entered anything this series yet, may do next week.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 7 2012, 6:22 PM GMTI snorted with laughter when I read the chocolates/Malvinas one on the train on the way home.
In fairness, basing a gag on an advertising slogan that hasn't been on the telly for about 20 years probably wasn't my smartest ever move, but it's made me very happy to know someone found it funny. Thanks.
Don't think I'm even going to post the one-liners I sent this week - they were that bad.
Newsjack Apps
Gina Ford has said women should have sex four weeks after giving birth. If a tunnel is closed for repair you don't drive through it!
Jedward and Engelbert Humperdinck are entering the Eurovision song contest? Talk about chalk and cheese; on one side you have fresh faced Irish twins and on the other side a musician
I heard the new government plan to improve literacy and numeracy have failed on numeracy - what success rate is that?
I think Prince Harry is a great representative for England - he has no worth while qualifications and lives off the state
Hackers are all over the news. Computers hackers arrested in America. Phone hackers arrested here. I miss the good old days when the only hackers in the news were axe murderers
To protect themselves from illness team GB have been told to not shake hands before the games - they should make the most of it no one will want to shake their hands after
Putin said Britain is a great country - I didn't like him over emphasizing the first syllable of country
(Russian accent) People say the Russian people did not vote in election? Rubbish! I voted two hundred times
The national gallery has spent twenty five million on two nude pictures - haven't they heard of nuts and zoo magazine?
A Stratford Upon Avon mother and daughter coffee morning have banned hot drinks. What's next the banning of mothers and daughters? Then it'll just be a morning!
Corrections
Last week we said the church was heartless - we of course meant the religious relic "the heart of St Laurence O'Toole" had been stolen
And Finally
That was Newsjack first broadcast in March twenty-twelve when the country was awash with rumours of police privatization - for our younger listeners the police were the predecessors of Big Bobs Big Firm; if there's a crime we'll get there in time. Next on Radio four extra Vladimir Putin reads from his book "Twenty Twelve elections - How I won fairly" (Russian Accent) All events in this book are fictitious any likeness to any event is purely coincidental
That was Newsjack from March twenty twelve first broadcast the week a Stratford Upon Avon mothers and baby group banned hot drinks this led to people fighting to abolish health and safety. Which also popularized the phrase "It's PC gone" Next up London Mayor Boris Johnson reads from his autobiography on the edge of a volcano whilst playing with his pogo stick. Boris
F/X pogo stick bouncing and scream as BORIS falls into the volcano
"Liverpool are looking to sign a second South American striker named Suarez. Presumably so that Patrice Evra can enjoy racial abuse in stereo next season."
"If same-sex marriage is like slavery, then how do lesbians decide which wife gets chained to the kitchen sink?"
"Roger Waters has committed the greatest act of treason since... Charlie Gilmour swung from the Cenotaph!"
"When I informed my wife about the news that men are more likely to die from heart attacks during extra-marital sex... she responded by suggesting that we should take up swinging."
"It's not David Cameron who's been taken for a ride - it's Nick Clegg!"
"The explosion in cheating at British universities makes me question just how bright our students really are. I mean, if they're unable to grasp the concept of fidelity - then they clearly don't belong in higher education!"
"Johnny Marr's promised to reform The Smiths; should the coalition government split up... thereby ending my desire to see the coalition government split up."
"If I were to attend the Morrisons music festival this summer... would I be cheating on Waitrose?"
"It's ironic that David Starkey's opposed to liberating nations... considering the amount of assistance he's going to need in order to get his career back on track."
Quote: groovydude89 @ March 8 2012, 7:07 PM GMT""Johnny Marr's promised to reform The Smiths; should the coalition government split up... thereby ending my desire to see the coalition government split up."
I'd have just tweeked it slightly to...
"Guitarist Johnny Marr has promised to reform The Smiths if the coalition government split up... unexpectedly ending my desire to see the coalition government split up."
Quote: blahblah @ March 8 2012, 6:40 PM GMTI think Prince Harry is a great representative for England - he has no worth while qualifications and lives off the state
Quote: groovydude89 @ March 8 2012, 7:07 PM GMT"Johnny Marr's promised to reform The Smiths; should the coalition government split up... thereby ending my desire to see the coalition government split up."
Mine ones:
Apparently Nestle have decided to go completely natural. Even the Milky bar Kid isn't allowed to use fake bullets anymore.
I had one of those Violins with strings made of Spider silk. I once played flight of the Bumblebee and managed to catch 3 of the buggers.
If the Royal Opera House are staging the Little Mermaid and setting it in a brothel then I don't know why my wife complains when I want to go to my local lap dancing club to see Bambi.
As a tribute to Davey Jones they should have a 3 minute silence just before anyone's about to murder Daydream Believer at karaoke.
If the Tate is paying all that money for a Bunch of Sunflower seeds, Then I've got a bag of old potatoes they can buy. It's just as good! The eyes even seem to follow you around the room.
I knew that if we kept on losing at Eurovision that eventually we'd end up getting "The Hump"
A Top shop garment had the name Shakespeare spelt incorrectly. Well that doesn't say much about the education standards of 5 year old Vietnamese Children.
Half of 11 year olds only play outside during school time. Poor little things! Don't these schools even have computers they can play on?
Putin's promised that he won't try to suppress any of his rivals, In fact by this time next year he hopes to have no rivals left at all.
They wanted that young lad to remove his Jolly Roger flag from his garden, I'm sorry but these Anti Piracy laws have already gone too far
So Cameron's going to war on Cheap Booze & fags is he?. Yeah they tend to make me a bit fighty as well.
Rugby Player Danny care apologized for urinating on the steps of a Leeds hotel & promised that next time he would hang on & try to hold it in until he could find a pint glass or a traffic cone.
Thieves stole weights belonging to Worlds Strongest man contestant Wayne Russell. Police are asking witnesses if they noticed anything strange at the time, such as anyone pulling a getaway car with their teeth.
The German finance minister was caught playing Sudoku during a summit on Greek debt. He said that scribbling random numbers down for fun may seem pointless, and that's why he decided to play Sudoku instead..
A conference was held today to discuss ways of reducing the high number of Frogs who die crossing the road. If this is a success then they plan further conferences on topics such as avoiding barrels thrown by Apes & defending your city against Space Invaders, ..
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMTIf the Royal Opera House are staging the Little Mermaid and setting it in a brothel then I don't know why my wife complains when I want to go to my local lap dancing club to see Bambi.
Quality.
My favs so far:
Quote: blahblah @ March 8 2012, 6:40 PM GMTTo protect themselves from illness team GB have been told to not shake hands before the games - they should make the most of it no one will want to shake their hands after.
Quote: groovydude89 @ March 8 2012, 7:07 PM GMT"Johnny Marr's promised to reform The Smiths; should the coalition government split up... thereby ending my desire to see the coalition government split up."
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 8 2012, 7:39 PM GMTA Top shop garment had the name Shakespeare spelt incorrectly. Well that doesn't say much about the education standards of 5 year old Vietnamese Children.
My rejects:
David Cameron is spending £20,000 developing an iPad app. It sounds like a good game; you have to rescue a horse from the pigs.
A French president walks into a bar. The barman says "what brings you in here?" He replies "the chasers".
Last week, I was petrified. I looked up and saw a bright orange light. It turns out I was leaning on a lamp post.
Morrissey has played down reports that he supported Argentina's claim to The Falklands. At least that what he said to Prince William.
Ed Miliband needs to move to the left. The guy can't even do the Cha Cha Slide.
Human Beings evolved from a two-inch worm. Scientists have called the creature Piersus Morgansis.
We've gone with Engelbert Humperdinck? Is it Eurovision or you've-no-vision?
I've heard James Murdoch is moving into the fizzy drink business with an Indian pacifist and a member of the Wizard of Oz. It's called 'Ghandi, Lion and Murdoch'.
Liked this
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 8 2012, 8:24 PM GMTEd Miliband needs to move to the left. The guy can't even do the Cha Cha Slide.
Tonight's rejections!
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CALLER So I see our Rhythmic Gymnasts have managed to get a spot at the Olympics after appealing! Entry via complaining, I think that's wonderfully British!
CALLER I'm pretty sure I saw Steven Hilton selling The Big Issue outside London Bridge station, only he had renamed it "The Big Society".
CALLER I was going to say something about Tate Modern's news, but then I realised I can't pronounce Ah wehwhere... Er Aye Why Why... Erm, Al WeeWee...
D CAMERON Hello, this is David Cameron. We've all seen the comet in the sky, so if it's the end of the world, blame Nick Clegg. He assured us it wasn't coming.
CALLER So this Cardinal O'Brien has decided Gay Marriage is evil. I really hope Jesus appears on his toast, and gives him the finger.