NewsJack Rejections. Series 6 Page 5

Here's my recorded but not broadcast app:
Nick Clegg's letter to Lib Dems to persuade them to support the NHS bill
showed just how out of touch he is. I mean who writes letters these days?

Actually my least favourite app and nearly deleted it before sending so shows how little I know. Here's some ones I liked better:

JACK APPS
(GIRL) Just three minutes of getting hot and sweaty can make you fit? In that
case every morning I'm going to try and put my skinny jeans on.

Hello, it's the Dean of St. Paul's here. I'm pleased to say that the cathedral is
now fully open for prayer and reflection. And that we have a half-price sale on
camping equipment in our gift shop.

(DISGUSTED) I'm glad the protesters have gone from St. Paul's. They
showed it's not necessarily true that cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Good to see Scotland Yard taking a 'Horses for Courses' approach this week.
With courses standing for Corrupt, Obnoxious, Unscrupulous, Red-headed,
Editors of the Sun

CORRECTIONS
Mistakes are like children. They're embarrassing and in China you're only allowed to make one.

LESSONS
China has softened its approach to its single child policy. So what three things can the UK teach them about putting people off having children in a more subtle way.
1. Go to Legoland during the school holidays
2. Ask a room full of new parents - So whose child is the cleverest?
3. Put Mandarin subtitles on DVDs of 'Outnumbered'

AND FINALLY...
And now over on BBC One there's an in-depth look at the ongoing crisis in Syria in "Homs under the Hammer."

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMT

INTRO:
Scientists at IBM released images this week showing the actual electrical charge on a single molecule. A single molecule! To put it into perspective, that's about the same electrical charge that you'd find in an iPhone battery.

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I liked this one. And nice try for a 'running' gag from last week with the teenage work experience girl. They rarely go for them alas.

Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMT

My mirthless idiocies... I thought (1) to (3) not bad, but the rest a bit poo.

NEWSJACK APP
(1)I was delighted to hear that Nelson Mandela is back at home, fit and well - I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.

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I too liked number 1.

Quote: blahblah @ March 1 2012, 5:57 PM GMT

I see Cameron is planning punishments that give criminals draconian restrictions - which has united the country in thinking "what's draconian"?

News has surfaced that Rebekah Brooks borrowed a horse - proof that the metropolitan police lent news international hands

Apparently they was a scene cut form The Iron Lady that saw Margaret Thatcher refusing to make butter - apparently the ladies not for churning

Corrections
Our "family champion" story was referring to Emma Harrison and not as we reported Ed Milliband

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I like the draconian and the churning one (love a good pun).

The 'hands' and 'family champion' ones are so close to a novel twist on the story but doesn't quite come off for me. But wanted to say there's two great ideas there.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 1 2012, 5:58 PM GMT

CORRECTIONS INTRO:
At Newsjack mistakes are a lot like Chinese babies, make more than one and the powers that be will threaten to remove your testicles.

Also the year 2012 tragically saw one Costa Cruise ship crash, one Costa Cruise ship breakdown and one Costa Coffee patron crash and breakdown after consuming a heroic number espressos.

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Hmm, you and I think in very similar ways DbM! See my Corrections Into and I tried (but failed) for a Costa coffee related joke.

Take that news ow you wish!

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 1 2012, 5:58 PM GMT

CORRECTIONS INTRO:
At Newsjack mistakes are a lot like Chinese babies, make more than one and the powers that be will threaten to remove your testicles.

Also the year 2012 tragically saw one Costa Cruise ship crash, one Costa Cruise ship breakdown and one Costa Coffee patron crash and breakdown after consuming a heroic number espressos.

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Hmm, you and I think in very similar ways DbM! See my Corrections Into and I tried (but failed) for a Costa coffee related joke.

Take that news how you wish!

Quote: sootyj @ March 1 2012, 6:01 PM GMT

JACK APP
JACK APP
I see that Channel 4 are basing a show on the demolition of Osama Bin Laden's house.
It's called 'Location Desecration Assassination'.

JACK APP
I'm disgusted that birds nest thief got an ASBO.
He was just trying to get a nest egg.

CORRECTION
We would like to apologise for confusing our reporting of the tragic slaughter of diseased sheep .
With predictions for the Liberals in the next cabinet reshuffle.

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Think that's the best joke on the sheep disease I've heard this week. Like the Bin Laden one but even I groaned at the nest egg one!

Quote: StephenM @ March 2 2012, 3:13 PM GMT

Hello, it's the Dean of St. Paul's here. I'm pleased to say that the cathedral is
now fully open for prayer and reflection. And that we have a half-price sale on
camping equipment in our gift shop.

(DISGUSTED) I'm glad the protesters have gone from St. Paul's. They
showed it's not necessarily true that cleanliness is next to Godliness.

AND FINALLY...
And now over on BBC One there's an in-depth look at the ongoing crisis in Syria in "Homs under the Hammer."

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Really liked the first two (although I'll bet others have pitched the second one).

The third is a corker.

Thanks - I agree I couldn't quite pull off the hands one but loved the idea. and I thought I took the first Apparently from the Thatcher App I guess not - doesn't read well with 2 "apparently"s

[quote name="blackbroom" post="857109" date="March 1 2012, 6:03 PM GMT"
Last week, we wrongly stated that Meryl Streep had been nominated for an Oscar for appearing in an advert with Lenny Henry. We would now like to clarify that she won it for appearing in a film with a premier in.[/quote]
I really liked this one.

A couple of things I'd say is don't send too many one-liners on the same topic, they mentioned this in the web-chat last time. It looks like you weren't sure what was best and just put them all in. It looks like you're not really editing your own work (even if you are).

And again I'd say from the web-chat don't put down the first idea that comes to you, think of another idea and then another and see where you can take it. Some of yours felt like the 'first' joke (Sorry if that seems harsh) but the Premier in joke is one that wasn't obvious (to me anyway!) so I enjoyed it a lot more.

[quote name="StephenM" post="857408" date="March 2 2012, 3:18 PM GMTA
couple of things I'd say is don't send too many one-liners on the same topic, they mentioned this in the web-chat last time. It looks like you weren't sure what was best and just put them all in. It looks like you're not really editing your own work (even if you are).
[/quote]
Good tip

Quote: PazG @ March 1 2012, 6:04 PM GMT

Here's mine - seems a shame to see them go to waste...

One-liners:
It was revealed in Hansard this week that Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg showed off to everyone in a Commons debate that he went to Eton by using a word consisting of 29 letters. How ironic then, that the longest word used by his peers to describe Jacob Rees-Mogg consists of only four.

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Your one-liners seem a little long PazG, the one above I really like but could you get there quicker. Not all JackApps are short but I'd apply the twitter rule - can you say it in 140 characters or less? (Others may disagree).

Quote: StephenM @ March 2 2012, 3:13 PM GMT

I liked this one. And nice try for a 'running' gag from last week with the teenage work experience girl. They rarely go for them alas.

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They did reuse the Welsh work experience girl from last week, just in a different context...

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMT

APPS:
An energy firm have posted a profit of over half a billion pounds. Somebody needs to turn off Whitney Houston's tap.

I don't have a problem with a teacher quitting his job to become a rapper. As long as he has the necessary hoe levels.

I think it's wrong that Chinese kids are making Olympic badges for six-pence an hour. That's more than I get paid at Tesco.

CORRECTIONS:
We'd like to apologise for suggesting that Scottish fishermen were involved in an elaborate £63 million scam. We accept that dipping a fish in oil and charging £5 for it is common practice.

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Shock.
Groan.
Laugh out Loud
Laugh out Loud

Covered all the bases there!

Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMT

A former healthcare worker has been charged over allegations she posed as a nurse and treated hundreds of patients in Kent. Bosses only realised she wasn't a real nurse when she claimed to agree with the government's NHS reforms.

There was confusion this week as to exactly what water reserves are left in parts of England affected by the growing drought. One report said that reservoirs were half full, another that they were half empty.

Nokia has revealed its new 41-megapixel camera-phone, boasting enhanced low-light performance and high quality images at any resolution, as well as sophisticated image compression designed to help users share pictures. It says here it can also be used to make and receive telephone calls. Which is nice.

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Liked these ones but again could you shorten them? Think there's some nice gags there.

Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMT

A former healthcare worker has been charged over allegations she posed as a nurse and treated hundreds of patients in Kent. Bosses only realised she wasn't a real nurse when she claimed to agree with the government's NHS reforms.

There was confusion this week as to exactly what water reserves are left in parts of England affected by the growing drought. One report said that reservoirs were half full, another that they were half empty.

Nokia has revealed its new 41-megapixel camera-phone, boasting enhanced low-light performance and high quality images at any resolution, as well as sophisticated image compression designed to help users share pictures. It says here it can also be used to make and receive telephone calls. Which is nice.

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Liked these ones but again could you shorten them? Think there's some nice gags there.

Quote: RJ @ March 2 2012, 3:17 PM GMT

Really liked the first two (although I'll better others have pitched the second one).

The third is a corker.

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I'm glad someone else agrees those were better than the one that got recorded.

So now I can say - shows what we know.

Although I managed to get a JackApp on this week's episode, here are the one's they rejected.

Justin:

"The co-founder of Twitter has warned that excessive micro blogging is unhealthy. However, I personally won't be convinced until I've tweeted NHS Direct for a second opinion."

"According to the Sun on Sunday, October 18th 2014 will be the date of the Scottish independence referendum. That's in spite of David Cameron insisting that February 29th would be a much better choice."

"Ken Livingstone has promised to take a 5% pay cut, if re-elected as London Mayor... thus saving tax payers around £30,000 over the four-year term. And in a completely unrelated piece of news, Ken Livingstone has been exposed as a £50,000 tax dodger."

"Scientists have warned that global warming could make humans shorter... thus shortening the odds of Nicholas Sarkozy doing something about global warming."

"Men all over Britain breathed a sigh of relief this week, after scientists revealed that the Y chromosome isn't actually dying out after all. However, their joy was tempered by the warning that the government could soon find itself in no-man's land."

"A study of ancient documents has revealed that the Yorkshire town of Doncaster technically belongs to Scotland... which is ever so slightly ironic, considering how voters there recently elected a tub-thumping English nationalist to be their mayor."

Jack App:

"Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed that they'll never be another be another Ryan Giggs. As a defender of press freedom - I bloody well hope he's right!"

"I'm not surprised that one in seven Cambridge students are drug dealers! That's what happens when you allow oiks into Oxbridge!"

"I can't believe that one in seven Cambridge students are drug dealers! I mean, when I was at uni, the only smack I dealt - were smacks to the bottom!"

"The government keeps banging on about 'reforming' the NHS. But since when has the definition of 'reform' been 'to bugger something up'?"

"I've got no sympathy for those You Porn perverts who've had their passwords leaked. I mean, every one with their head screwed on, switched to Red Tube ages ago!"

"I think Eric Joyce has set a terrible example. I mean, if the public were to follow in his footsteps and go around head butting their Tory MPs... then us Northerners would end up feeling very left out!"

"GCSE exams are going to be tightened up. Oo-er!"

"How do you stop the House of Lords from becoming bloated? Simple - you strip John Prescott of his peerage!"

Quote: StephenM @ March 2 2012, 3:18 PM GMT

A couple of things I'd say is don't send too many one-liners on the same topic, they mentioned this in the web-chat last time. It looks like you weren't sure what was best and just put them all in. It looks like you're not really editing your own work (even if you are).

And again I'd say from the web-chat don't put down the first idea that comes to you, think of another idea and then another and see where you can take it. Some of yours felt like the 'first' joke (Sorry if that seems harsh) but the Premier in joke is one that wasn't obvious (to me anyway!) so I enjoyed it a lot more.

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Thanks, Stephen. It's not harsh, it's really helpful.

Thanks to David S, blahblah, Timbo, Swertyd, StephenM etc for commenting on my work. Agree I need to make things snappier.

Just starting this week after a bout of man-flu so aiming for 5 good one-liners. Hopefully.

Just about to send off my quickies. Here's two that never made the cut:

A vacuum cleaner is still working after 108 years. It must have sucked more carpet than Clare Balding.

I'm in a band that has four members. That's what separates us from the Monkees.

The first one is funny, the second not so much.

Quote: Timbo @ March 6 2012, 2:50 PM GMT

The first one is funny, the second not so much.

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I wish I could achieve a 50% hit-rate on the ones I actually send in.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 6 2012, 2:48 PM GMT

A vacuum cleaner is still working after 108 years. It must have sucked more carpet than Clare Balding.

I'm in a band that has four members. That's what separates us from the Monkees.

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Both of these made me laugh.