I think the lack of one-liners this week might not be a reflection of the quality. I certainly hope not 
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMT
ANGRY WOMAN:
I was outraged to see one of the actors wearing fur on the red carpet at the Oscars, I'm calling for a boycott on Uggie The Dog!
JACKAPP:
Now that we're coming to the end of the tax year, my financial adviser recommended that I invest my money where I wouldn't have to pay tax. Barclays.
First one is a great idea, but just doesn't feel right. Second one is spot-on Newsjack in tone!
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMT
(2)It's an amazing achievement that Ryan Giggs has appeared 900 times for Manchester United - statistically that means he's played away from home 450 times.
(3)Barack Obama has called for a new beginning for Yemen - let's hope it's not "S".
These are both clever. (3) is probably a bit coarse for Newsjack.
Quote: blahblah @ March 1 2012, 5:57 PM GMT
People are saying whales should have human rights now. First Scotland now Wales!
That was Newsjack first broadcast in the week of the twenty twelve Oscars. Famed for Sasha Baron Cohen pretending to empty the ashes of the late Kim Jing-il on the red carpet, the mess was cleaned up immediately. But, unfortunately North Korea were not in on the joke and elected the hover president. President Henry enjoyed a successful reign before suffering a break down - one day after his warranty expired. Up next Charlotte Church regales us of tales of how she spent her six hundred thousand pound settlement to reek revenge on journalists - may their rest in peace
First one good. Second one was a bit confusing but the breakdown/warranty thing was very funny once I'd figured out you meant 'hoover'.
Quote: blackbroom @ March 1 2012, 6:03 PM GMT
It's always been hard to find puffins and flamingos who are willing to do office work, but now I hear Peacocks are moving out of administration.
Liked this one. Re: getting better, I would read through this thread and the series 5 equivalent to 'get' the style, though you are pretty much there.
Quote: Timbo @ March 1 2012, 6:21 PM GMT
So scientists have discovered that squid respond to different sounds by changing colour. I can dig that. I only have to listen to Michael Buble to turn a sickly shade of puce.
Like this.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMT
We'd like to apologise for suggesting that Scottish fishermen were involved in an elaborate £63 million scam. We accept that dipping a fish in oil and charging £5 for it is common practice.
This is good.
Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMT
Newsjack. The show that has what Ryan Giggs, Fred Goodwin & Caroline Spelman don't. Gags that work.
There was confusion this week as to exactly what water reserves are left in parts of England affected by the growing drought. One report said that reservoirs were half full, another that they were half empty.
We'd like to say we're sorry to Jeremy Clarkson's wife, Frances. No, we're really, very sorry.
First one good. Second one is a good idea but needs a rewrite. The third one they get *loads* of examples of every week about different subjects, so it's not worth writing them like that.
Quote: David Salisbury @ March 1 2012, 8:15 PM GMT
Archbishop John Sentamu blessed the Sun on Sunday with a column this week. Presumably "blessed are the phone hackers for they shall get the scoop".
FX: WHIPPING, CREAKING OF A BOAT, MOANS AND CRIES OF "PULL, PULL, PULL. ROW YOU DOGS" (UNDER)
Hello? Is that Nick Clegg's office? Are you sure... ow... that this is work experience?
First one I liked, but probably not funny enough. Second one good.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 1 2012, 8:51 PM GMT
INTRO:
Polish Criminals were foiled while attempting to smuggle Cocaine inside a consignment of Tropical Fish. Suspicions were raised that Drugs were present when Police identified a Big Fish, a Little Fish & a Cardboard box.
JACK APP:
I think that easiest way to determine the true height of Everest is to build a big wall alongside & draw a little line on it every year.
Pick of Steve's.
Quote: Feeoree @ March 1 2012, 10:43 PM GMT
CALLERI cannot believe Nick Clegg referred to the 18-24 age group as the C Word. Everyone knows that label belongs to the 16-17 age group!
Liked this. The Ali G one made me laugh but it's so not NJ
Quote: radiat10n @ March 1 2012, 11:02 PM GMT
Opinions are like pay rises - if you have one at all it's never as significant as you'd like.
Justin: Exams are like suppositories - nobody wants to take them, but sometimes you're forced to.
Like this one. Sorry but I wrote the failed 'opinions are like suppositories' one last series: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/post/814201/
Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 2 2012, 8:32 AM GMT
I watched The Artist the other day and could really relate to the story. A few years ago I brought a dog home and my wife gave me the silent treatment.
It must be great for Jean Dujardin, having his name up in lights. Especially seeing as his name roughly translated means "toilet is in the garden".
Like them two.
My failures. Quite a lot this week:
JACKAPP:
Easyjet asked me to pay for an extra-seat for my dialysis machine. Unfortunately, the only way I could afford it was by selling a kidney.
JACKAPP:
These Romanian benefit fraudsters have to pay back £17.65 after taking over 800 grand. I used PayDayLoans.com and it was the opposite way around!
JACKAPP:
That Australian that went off with depression cos his workmates greeted him each morning with 'G'Day Sport!' It wasn't cos of the ribbing: in six years of working in Britain, he'd never once seen a good day.
POSH:
I find it extremely ironic that these anti-capitalists may soon be starting sentences.
JACKAPP:
I see faster than light neutrinos were down to a loose cable. Just like all of the government's business policies.
JACKAPP:
Blake Fielder-Civil is to work as a drugs counsellor? That really is the pothead calling the ketones black.
JACKAPP:
You see, the crux of the problem is that Italian cruise ships are completely powerless to... Oh. Just completely powerless.
JACKAPP:
Abu Qatada costs £100,000 a week? And how many goals has he scored this season?
DARTH VADAR:
Building the Death Star would cost £541,870 trillion. I trust you agree this represents better investment value than Greece?
JACKAPP:
A sparrowhawk followed a pigeon into a magistrates' court last week. One was up for causing a public nuisance and the other for stalking with intent to harm.
JACKAPP:
I can't believe a British grandad was extradited to the USA. I didn't even know it was illegal!
JACKAPP:
Don't you just hate it when something comes out, then a remastered version is only a few months behind. Well, that's the Sun on Sunday for you.
JACKAPP:
For Lent, I've given up chocolate. George Osbourne is giving up his fuel duty assurances
JACKAPP:
I think what happened at 'Occupy London' was that it just got too in tents.
CORRECTION:
We would like to apologise to the Italian judicial system after Silvio Berlusconi's corruption case ran out of time. It is incorrect, as we stated last week, that the Italian Statute of Limitations is shorter than the average Bunga-Bunga party.
CORRECTION:
We would like to apologise to MP Simon Hughes. After media coverage in 2006 ruined his bid to become LibDem leader, he should rightly be remembered as the forgotten man of British politics instead of Nick Clegg.
FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from February 2012, mere weeks before Abu Qatada opened the first in a large chain of lapdancing clubs, Infidel!-ité, that led to him becoming the world's most successful capitalist and allowed him to invest the billions that brought Champions League glory to Godstone FC.
It was also the week that a report stated that the progressive shrinking of Arctic sea ice brought colder winters to the UK, transforming the North Pole into the tropical holiday paradise of today. This directly resulted in the Great Polar Bear Migration to Scotland, where they set up an 'Occupy Britain' camp.
Next on Radio 4 Extra, Rebekah's War Horse, the story of a has-been, ineffectual mare owned by the police and put out to pasture. And how she corruptly ran a tabloid.
Dan
