Some good gags above, I liked these two in particular:
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMTI see Katie Price has used her new column in The Sun to hit out at bad parents. Well, they do say writers should stick to what they know.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMTI was delighted to hear that Nelson Mandela is back at home, fit and well - I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.
Like these ones - you should send Whitney one to Newsrevue they're more likely to use it
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMTJACKAPP:
I don't agree with the Government's plans to start a film academy for teenagers, I think it will just lead to Happy Slapping videos with higher production values.JACKAPP:
I see Katie Price has used her new column in The Sun to hit out at bad parents. Well, they do say writers should stick to what they know.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMTAn energy firm have posted a profit of over half a billion pounds. Somebody needs to turn off Whitney Houston's tap.
I think I know why Iran were buying all those batteries, they wanted a triple A rating.
I think it's wrong that Chinese kids are making Olympic badges for six-pence an hour. That's more than I get paid at Tesco.
These are my favourites of what's been posted so far, but I clearly don't know anything:
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMT(1)I was delighted to hear that Nelson Mandela is back at home, fit and well - I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.
(3)Barack Obama has called for a new beginning for Yemen - let's hope it's not "S"
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 1 2012, 5:58 PM GMTCORRECTIONS INTRO:
At Newsjack mistakes are a lot like Chinese babies, make more than one and the powers that be will threaten to remove your testicles.JACK APPS
Since our captain Sam Warburton got one over England in the Six Nations, he's the best thing since sliced bread.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMTI think I know why Iran were buying all those batteries, they wanted a triple A rating.
Anyone else look back at the writer list a couple of times to see if their name has magically appeared. Or hoping that the guy with the same first name but different surname was an error? No? Must be my the Newsjack-virgin in me (so to speak). Anyway here's what I sent....
Intro
Newsjack. The show that has what Ryan Giggs, Fred Goodwin & Caroline Spelman don't. Gags that work.
Jack App
Yet another incident in a House of Commons bar! There should be cross-party action to enforce moderate drinking among our MPs. Call it a coalition of the swilling.
One-liners
In the same week it was suggested that Neanderthal man was finally wiped out by the cold, scientists have revealed that shrinking arctic ice caps will bring increasingly freezing winters to the UK. John Prescott is said to be house hunting in the south of France.
A former healthcare worker has been charged over allegations she posed as a nurse and treated hundreds of patients in Kent. Bosses only realised she wasn't a real nurse when she claimed to agree with the government's NHS reforms.
Ghana's Football Association has denied reports that team members used black magic and witchcraft during this years African Nation's Cup. "There's no evidence whatsoever for the return of these dark arts" said spokesman Tom Riddle.
There was confusion this week as to exactly what water reserves are left in parts of England affected by the growing drought. One report said that reservoirs were half full, another that they were half empty.
Nokia has revealed its new 41-megapixel camera-phone, boasting enhanced low-light performance and high quality images at any resolution, as well as sophisticated image compression designed to help users share pictures. It says here it can also be used to make and receive telephone calls. Which is nice.
Corrections
We'd like to say we're sorry to Jeremy Clarkson's wife, Frances. No, we're really, very sorry.
Here are my one liners for general perusal. I'm always amazed how ideas that seemed wonderful when originally written somehow wither in the cold light of day. Still it's all part of the process of learning to write funny...
Welcome to Newsjack, the clumsy German waiter of the BBC, satirically splashing beer over politicians, celebrities and Peter Andre.
Andrew Lansley's career is now like an old person with no resistance to superbugs...it has a high change of being finished off by the NHS.
Global warming means that we're losing ice in the Arctic but getting snow in Britain. So... thinning on top and spreading to unwanted places... has the Earth got male pattern baldness?
Mrs Merkel had beer spilt all over her by a clumsy waiter. She should have learned the lesson of history. Bad things happen when German leaders go into beerhalls! [are references to 20th century German history too obscure?]
Archbishop John Sentamu blessed the Sun on Sunday with a column this week. Presumably "blessed are the phone hackers for they shall get the scoop".
In protest at the changes the NHS pension scheme doctors are voting on an overtime ban - so make sure you don't start that heart bypass operation near the end of a shift.
Jackapps
If Higgs' Boson, the "God particle" is named after Peter Higgs, does that make him God?
It's not just the Mormons who posthumously convert their relatives... when my father died I converted him into compost. [Too dark?]
It's not just the Mormons who posthumously convert their relatives... when my father died I made him a vegetarian... and he hasn't eaten a burger since.
FX: WHIPPING, CREAKING OF A BOAT, MOANS AND CRIES OF "PULL, PULL, PULL. ROW YOU DOGS" (UNDER)
Hello? Is that Nick Clegg's office? Are you sure... ow... that this is work experience?
I'm not surprised Lucy Lawless was arrested. I mean the clue's in the name! Lucy... short for Lucifer!
Corrections
Mistakes are like the Duke of Edinburgh...there's always a risk of public embarrassment.
END.
Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMT
A former healthcare worker has been charged over allegations she posed as a nurse and treated hundreds of patients in Kent. Bosses only realised she wasn't a real nurse when she claimed to agree with the government's NHS reforms.
I like this. But I guess they may have a lot of similar jokes. Or they felt the health bill was already poked at enough.
I like this, but unless I missed a story not very topical
Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMTNewsjack. The show that has what Ryan Giggs, Fred Goodwin & Caroline Spelman don't. Gags that work.
Quote: David Salisbury @ March 1 2012, 8:15 PM GMTWelcome to Newsjack, the clumsy German waiter of the BBC, satirically splashing beer over politicians, celebrities and Peter Andre.
Mistakes are like the Duke of Edinburgh...there's always a risk of public embarrassment.
Lovely.
Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMT
A former healthcare worker has been charged over allegations she posed as a nurse and treated hundreds of patients in Kent. Bosses only realised she wasn't a real nurse when she claimed to agree with the government's NHS reforms.
As I said above I like this.
But sitting here thinking about it you could do it in about half the words like this: "A woman in Kent has been charged with posing as nurse. Bosses only discovered she wasn't the real thing when she supported the Government's NHS reforms."
I do not claim in anyway that this is the only or best way to shorten this. But as a general rule shorter is funnier. Please forgive the liberty of editing your work - I am something of a compulsive editor and play with my own work until I've forgotten why it was funny.
INTRO:
Polish Criminals were foiled while attempting to smuggle Cocaine inside a consignment of Tropical Fish. Suspicions were raised that Drugs were present when Police identified a Big Fish, a Little Fish & a Cardboard box.
JACK APP:
If you own a restaurant I don't think it's a good idea to return a Michelin star. All they'll do is give the same one back to you after they've done something horrible to it.
JACK APP:
I think it's despicable to Mock someone for being Ginger or having an Afro. But if you've got both those things together! Well what do you expect, we're only human.
JACK APP:
I always take my smart phone into the Loo, Cause It can get Wiffy in there sorry I mean Wi Fi
JACK APP:
Now Scientists have been Putting Crocodiles on Treadmills' I don't care what their trying to learn but their scaring the life out of everyone at Fitness First.
JACK APP:
I think that easiest way to determine the true height of Everest is to build a big wall alongside & draw a little line on it every year.
CORRECTION:
In last weeks show we stated that the Burnley Council were taking drastic steps to combat joke theft in the region what we should have said is that the council have decided to ban Chuggers
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMT
JACKAPP:
Now that we're coming to the end of the tax year, my financial adviser recommended that I invest my money where I wouldn't have to pay tax. Barclays.
My pick of some good ones from Mr Flash
Some more I liked:
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMTGood news that the number of teenage pregnancies have reduced. The importance of contraception is finally beginning to filter through to members of boy bands.
Quote: blahblah @ March 1 2012, 5:57 PM GMTare we using this thread now?
Newsjack Apps
I don't agree with Angelina Jolie flashing her leg at the Oscars. It stole focus from the real stars - her breasts
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ March 1 2012, 5:58 PM GMTCORRECTIONS INTRO:
RBS have announced an annual loss of two billion pounds, but despite this, is paying out almost eight hundred million pounds in bonuses. That's rewarding failure on a Fabio Capello scale.
Quote: sootyj @ March 1 2012, 6:01 PM GMTJACK APP
So now the church has evicted the St Paul's protestors.
Let's hope they evict them from the moral high ground next!
Quote: Timbo @ March 1 2012, 6:21 PM GMTSo scientists have discovered that squid respond to different sounds by changing colour. I can dig that. I only have to listen to Michael Buble to turn a sickly shade of puce.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMTI don't have a problem with a teacher quitting his job to become a rapper. As long as he has the necessary hoe levels.
CORRECTIONS:
We were wrong to condemn a picture of an Al-Qaeda ringleader in a Facebook car insurance ad. It was a good deal, if you sign up, you get 72 free days with Virgin.
liked the Punchline on the Correction wonder if there's a better in
Critique for most - they are one-liners, not four-liners...
Less is more.
Know when to stop.
Don't labour the point.
Be succinct.
And to the point.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 1 2012, 8:51 PM GMTJACK APP:
I think that easiest way to determine the true height of Everest is to build a big wall alongside & draw a little line on it every year.
I liked that afro one too.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 9:11 PM GMTLess is more.
Know when to stop.
But then..
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 9:11 PM GMTDon't labour the point.
Then..
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 9:11 PM GMTBe succinct.
And to the point.
This is irony, right? Like those 'I've told you a million times don't exaggarate' kinda lines?
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 1 2012, 8:51 PM GMTINTRO:
Polish Criminals were foiled while attempting to smuggle Cocaine inside a consignment of Tropical Fish. Suspicions were raised that Drugs were present when Police identified a Big Fish, a Little Fish & a Cardboard box.JACK APP:
If you own a restaurant I don't think it's a good idea to return a Michelin star. All they'll do is give the same one back to you after they've done something horrible to it.
The producer who ignored these should take off their shoes, smear ash on their face and spend the rest of the days apologising to everyone in the UK. One at a time. For not doing their job properly.
Quote: sootyj @ March 1 2012, 9:28 PM GMTThe producer who ignored these should take off their shoes, smear ash on their face and spend the rest of the days apologising to everyone in the UK. One at a time. For not doing their job properly.
Comedy is so very subjective. These are good gags but not my personal favourites on this page (leaving my own out of it, of course).
Take your shoes off David.
A late chancer from me.
Chisora banned from boxing?
That's ridiculous the ring seems the place he's least likely to punch someone!
Quote: Big Jack @ March 1 2012, 5:54 PM GMT(1)I was delighted to hear that Nelson Mandela is back at home, fit and well - I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.
(2)It's an amazing achievement that Ryan Giggs has appeared 900 times for Manchester United - statistically that means he's played away from home 450 times.
First made me laugh, not sure NJ would it. Second is a clever association but not sure you have quite made it work as a gag.
Quote: sootyj @ March 1 2012, 6:01 PM GMTJACK APP
SYRIAN SOLDIER
89.4% of loyal Syrian citizens have voted.
FX SOUND OF ROCKETS AND EXPLOSIONS)
Make that 89.6% of loyal Syrian Citizens support the new constitution.
CORRECTION
We're sorry for cheering at the news of a massive fire at a wood based PowerStation in Essex.
We were under the impression The Only Way is Essex had caught fire.
Could imagine that working well.
Quote: PazG @ March 1 2012, 6:04 PM GMTIt was revealed in Hansard this week that Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg showed off to everyone in a Commons debate that he went to Eton by using a word consisting of 29 letters. How ironic then, that the longest word used by his peers to describe Jacob Rees-Mogg consists of only four.
Good but not economical, could be something like:
Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg showed off in a Commons debate by using a word consisting of 29 letters. How ironic that word fellow MPS use to describe Jacob Rees-Mogg consists of only four.
Quote: Nodz @ March 1 2012, 7:31 PM GMTIntro
Newsjack. The show that has what Ryan Giggs, Fred Goodwin & Caroline Spelman don't. Gags that work.
Could imagine them using that. Obviously they didn't, but I can imagine it.
Quote: David Salisbury @ March 1 2012, 8:15 PM GMTHere are my one liners for general perusal. I'm always amazed how ideas that seemed wonderful when originally written somehow wither in the cold light of day. Still it's all part of the process of learning to write funny...
I looked back on some of mine in an NJ one-liners thread - it made my blood run cold. What was I thinking of.
Quote: David Salisbury @ March 1 2012, 8:15 PM GMTWelcome to Newsjack, the clumsy German waiter of the BBC, satirically splashing beer over politicians, celebrities and Peter Andre.
Andrew Lansley's career is now like an old person with no resistance to superbugs...it has a high change of being finished off by the NHS.
Both very NJ style; others could do worse than study David's gag writing technique.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 1 2012, 8:51 PM GMTJACK APP:
Now Scientists have been Putting Crocodiles on Treadmills' I don't care what their trying to learn but their scaring the life out of everyone at Fitness First.
