Quote: swerytd @ February 27 2012, 10:11 AM GMTJACKAPP:
I think it's a disgrace that a Sheikh left a hotel owing half a million pounds. He only took a tiny Toblerone from the minibar.JACKAPP:
The only way I can see out of this financial crisis, is to wrap the Eurozone in Greece-proof paper.
Good and clever.
Liked amarsandhu's line on the naked rambler.
Quote: swerytd @ February 27 2012, 10:11 AM GMTMAN:
Did you know four out of five drivers have been led astray by their satnavs? I can't believe anyone could put so much trust in a device that (SATNAV VOICE: At the next word, perform a change of opinion) unquestionably knows exactly what it's doing.JACKAPP:
So, this time next year our burgers will be grown in test tubes, will they? Well, you can call me ultra-PC if you like, but anything that shape is officially a sausage.JACKAPP:
The only way I can see out of this financial crisis, is to wrap the Eurozone in Greece-proof paper.
Liked the first, loved the second. The third's a nice pun, but I think it'd be stronger written something like:
"I was told I needed to protect my money from the Eurozone crisis; so I've wrapped all my cash up in Greece-proof paper."
I know it's longer but I think it gives a stronger mental image and allows a beat for people to consider sensible ways to protect their money giving the punch more impact. (Also wrapping the eurozone in paper isn't really viewable as a way out, but greece-proof paper would be a way to protect your money from dirt.) Just my thinking anyway.
Quote: swerytd @ February 27 2012, 10:11 AM GMTI am officially offended by the West Yorkshire one.
My mum's from Barnsley. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!
My one-liner rejects this week, cheers...
INTRO:
The Artist cleaned up at the Oscars this week, the producers were absolutely speechless.
INTRO:
Scientists at IBM released images this week showing the actual electrical charge on a single molecule. A single molecule! To put it into perspective, that's about the same electrical charge that you'd find in an iPhone battery.
INTRO:
The Late 70s Revival shows no signs of abating with news that the Sex Pistols are to sign a new record deal. No truth to the rumour that Sid Vicious will now be played by Meryl Streep, though.
INTRO:
Ofsted have told local councils that they will only receive the top rating for adoption services if they find placements for children within 12 months, in a move seemingly inspired by pizza delivery companies. If they place twins they'll also be entitled to a free bottle of Cola.
ANGRY WOMAN:
I was outraged to see one of the actors wearing fur on the red carpet at the Oscars, I'm calling for a boycott on Uggie The Dog!
JACKAPP:
I don't agree with the Government's plans to start a film academy for teenagers, I think it will just lead to Happy Slapping videos with higher production values.
SCOTSMAN:
Too right that English egg collector has been banned from travelling to Scotland to stop him stealing our rare bird eggs. Why can't he have a Deep Fried Creme Egg like normal people?
JACKAPP:
I see Katie Price has used her new column in The Sun to hit out at bad parents. Well, they do say writers should stick to what they know.
JACKAPP:
Now that we're coming to the end of the tax year, my financial adviser recommended that I invest my money where I wouldn't have to pay tax. Barclays.
CORRECTION:
Following our report on Donald Trump's plans to stop a wind farm being built near his golf course in Scotland, Newsjack would like to apologise for the inappropriate sound effects that were used in the report. In a news story which contained the words 'Wind' and 'Trump' the temptation was just too great for Jodie, our work experience sound engineer.
My mirthless idiocies... I thought (1) to (3) not bad, but the rest a bit poo.
NEWSJACK APP
(1)I was delighted to hear that Nelson Mandela is back at home, fit and well - I've got Prince Phillip in the sweepstake.
(2)It's an amazing achievement that Ryan Giggs has appeared 900 times for Manchester United - statistically that means he's played away from home 450 times.
(3)Barack Obama has called for a new beginning for Yemen - let's hope it's not "S".
(4)I read about the man who used to work in Wickes who went on to be a state Governor in Nigeria. Well, he really won the lottery!
(5)I saw that Lord Lucan as well - but no one believed me because I said he was talking to Ed Milliband.
(6)I am outraged that the Metropolitan Police have loaned a horse to Rebekkah Brooks - she was desk based, not a field reporter.
(7)Good news that the number of teenage pregnancies have reduced. The importance of contraception is finally beginning to filter through to members of boy bands.
CORRECTIONS
(8)The Daily Mail have asked us to correct our earlier reported when we suggested that there was nothing left of the Occupy London protest. They say that there is - the BBC.
(9)We would like to clarify that the conman who worked his way up from cashier in a Wickes DIY store to be a state governor in Nigeria and is now facing fraud charges, didn't do it all.
are we using this thread now?
Newsjack Apps
I don't agree with Angelina Jolie flashing her leg at the Oscars. It stole focus from the real stars - her breasts
I see Cameron is planning punishments that give criminals draconian restrictions - which has united the country in thinking "what's draconian"?
News has surfaced that Rebekah Brooks borrowed a horse - proof that the metropolitan police lent news international hands
So the NHS are to offer foreign nationals free HIV free treatment - coming over here paying our taxes and getting life saving treatment. Political correctness gone mad
The teen pregnancy rate is at its lowest since the sixties it's like going back in time except they had The Beatles we have One Direction. One to us!
I got a taste for whale meat but now the Japanese Amazon has banned it I've had to go back to Turkey Twizzlers
Apparently they was a scene cut form The Iron Lady that saw Margaret Thatcher refusing to make butter - apparently the ladies not for churning
People are saying whales should have human rights now. First Scotland now Wales!
People are saying Dolphins should have human rights. Only a matter of time before America launch a war to free them from the dictatorship of Aquaman
Charlotte Church said she was sickened by the News of the World hacking - I bet six hundred grand can buy a lot of medicine
I see Jedward are going to the Eurovision song contest again - they've only been picked so they're out of country for a while. I'm on to you Ireland!
(Yorkshire Accent) A4e! I'm not talking about Emma Harrisons business I've just seen an A4 piece of paper. I remember when everything was A2
Corrections
Our "family champion" story was referring to Emma Harrison and not as we reported Ed Milliband
And Finally..
That was Newsjack first broadcast in the week of the twenty twelve Oscars. Famed for Sasha Baron Cohen pretending to empty the ashes of the late Kim Jing-il on the red carpet, the mess was cleaned up immediately. But, unfortunately North Korea were not in on the joke and elected the hover president. President Henry enjoyed a successful reign before suffering a break down - one day after his warranty expired. Up next Charlotte Church regales us of tales of how she spent her six hundred thousand pound settlement to reek revenge on journalists - may their rest in peace
That was Newsjack first broadcast in the week Olympic Minister Hugh Robertson announced he was confident the Olympics would come in under budget. The reason for this was apparent when the opening ceremony consisted of one torch, two Eccles cakes, three sparklers and the UK athletes reasoning why they'll finish last. My favourite was Tom Daley who said "I'm seventeen. I'm busy telling my parents they don't understand me and touching myself" Next on Radio 4 extra is our weekly animal adoption corner presented by honoree chief inspector Rebekah Brooks
That was Newsjack from the week that saw UK livestock affected by the European disease Schmallenberg. The country were worried about the affected animals and let its guard down leaving an opening for the invasion of The English Defence League who took offence to the foreign disease coming over here and taking our livestock. The affected livestock rallied and formed the Sheep Defence League. Anyone who remembers history lessons at school will remember how the SDL won the war - having the older unaffected sheep dress as the young affected sheep - operation mutton dressed as lamb. All hail our wooly leaders. Next on Radio 4 extra we continue serializing the medical books that cured all human disease wrote by the cast of Geordie Shore. This week we discover why cataracts were only affected the vision; entitled Why Eye
END
CORRECTIONS INTRO:
At Newsjack mistakes are a lot like Chinese babies, make more than one and the powers that be will threaten to remove your testicles.
JACK APPS
Since our captain Sam Warburton got one over England in the Six Nations, he's the best thing since sliced bread.
Twelve fig trees are costing the taxpayer £30,000 a year? Just shows politicians aren't worth a fig.
Research says you can get fit in three minutes depending on your genes; bloody typical, I only ever wear tracksuits.
RBS have announced an annual loss of two billion pounds, but despite this, is paying out almost eight hundred million pounds in bonuses. That's rewarding failure on a Fabio Capello scale.
AND FINALLY
This episode first went out on the 1st of March 2012, the year in which we saw the end to the long-running dispute about the height of Mount Everest. It was finally concluded that nobody cared.
Also the year 2012 tragically saw one Costa Cruise ship crash, one Costa Cruise ship breakdown and one Costa Coffee patron crash and breakdown after consuming a heroic number espressos.
JACK APP
SYRIAN SOLDIER
89.4% of loyal Syrian citizens have voted.
FX SOUND OF ROCKETS AND EXPLOSIONS)
Make that 89.6% of loyal Syrian Citizens support the new constitution.
CORRECTION
We're sorry for cheering at the news of a massive fire at a wood based PowerStation in Essex.
We were under the impression The Only Way is Essex had caught fire.
JACK APP
I see that Channel 4 are basing a show on the demolition of Osama Bin Laden's house.
It's called 'Location Desecration Assassination'.
JACK APP
This NHS delay distributing drugs is bad news for almost everyone. (SNIFF) Except me; 2 wraps of a heroin and an eighth was it?
JACK APP
So now the church has evicted the St Paul's protestors.
Let's hope they evict them from the moral high ground next!
JACK APP
I fully endorse the governments plan to kill all badgers.
The white stripes last album was terrible.
JACK APP
I'm disgusted that birds nest thief got an ASBO.
He was just trying to get a nest egg.
JACK APP
Do we German tax collectors worry about protests at Greek airports?
No we will be parachuting in, ahead of the main invasion force.
CORRECTION
We would like to apologise for confusing our reporting of the tragic slaughter of diseased sheep .
With predictions for the Liberals in the next cabinet reshuffle.
A dozen journalists have been rescued from the city of Homs.
In exchange for help removing the 3 Sun journalists hiding from phone tapping charges.
Although I unaccountably thought most of these were OK when I sent them off, with hindsight I can see the glaring flaws in most of them now. Nonetheless, would really appreciate honest advice on how to improve:
JACK APPS
Do you think they ought to cancel the Ultravox comeback tour? Only, they're saying that this Schmallenberg virus might be being spread by Midge.
They say that that Angela Merkel is an experienced politician, but when I saw her on the news the other day, I thought she looked a bit wet behind the ears.
Hi, Barack Obama here. When I saw Angela at the last G8 I advised her to kick back a little and get a few beers down her neck, but, sheesh! I guess I never expected her to take me so literally.
It's always been hard to find puffins and flamingos who are willing to do office work, but now I hear Peacocks are moving out of administration.
Some people are whinging about how much the Queen's Jubilee Tour is costing to stage, but I'm sure she'll make most of that back through CD sales.
My husband didn't believe me when I said that The Artist had won Best Picture. But I saw it in black and white!
My mate told me he knew what the President of Argentina wanted for her birthday. I said, "Chocolates?" He said, "No, Malvinas."
CORRECTIONS
In our coverage of the Occupy London eviction, we mistakenly reported that the Reverend Giles Fraser had accused his former colleagues of behaving like the Syrians. We now accept that he merely preached a sermon on St Paul's dramatic step on the road to Damascus.
Last week, we wrongly stated that Meryl Streep had been nominated for an Oscar for appearing in an advert with Lenny Henry. We would now like to clarify that she won it for appearing in a film with a premier in.
Last week, we were wrong to suggest that Angela Merkel had offered to pick up the bar tab at her party conference. What she actually said was, "The drinks are on me."
Here's mine - seems a shame to see them go to waste...
One-liners:
Ukrainian special forces arrested two men this week on suspicion of planning to assassinate Vladimir Putin. The men said the plan was to be executed this Sunday, but if they're lucky I'm sure they'll both be put out of their misery by lunchtime tomorrow.
It was revealed in Hansard this week that Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg showed off to everyone in a Commons debate that he went to Eton by using a word consisting of 29 letters. How ironic then, that the longest word used by his peers to describe Jacob Rees-Mogg consists of only four.
Corrections:
Last week we broadcast a story about the latest thing to clog up London's roads. We described the object as big with luscious curves and a red rear end that had an opening accessible to all comers. We wish to make it clear that we were in fact talking about London's new Routemaster bus, and not, as some people thought, Boris Johnson.
Jack App:
1. Hello, Professor Peter Higgs here. You thought you'd found my particle hadn't you? You thought you'd be famous like Rod Stewart didn't you? Yes, well think again, nerds. I've taken my Higgs Boson and hidden it somewhere you'd never dare to explore.... Deep in the bowels of James Corden.
2. [IN POSH ENGLISH ACCENT] Hello, this is Jonathan Rotten of the seventies pop group The Sex Pistols. I wish to make clear that the forthcoming re-issue of our 1977 debut album is in no way a money making exercise and that I have not sold out to the establishment. In fact I'm just as edgy and dangerous as I always was. Right, must dash, I've got Jeffrey Archer coming over for afternoon tea!
3. Hullo. Gordon Brown here. May I just say how delighted I am that record numbers of girls are joining youth organisations. Encouraged by this, in a bid to rekindle my own popularity, I am pleased to announce the launch of my own youth organisation. It will be called the Gordon Brownies. Thank you.
CORRECTIONS
We'd like to apologise for following reports of Koran burning in US military bases with a series of alternative Indian cooking suggestions.
Newsjack would like to apologise for falsely reporting the uncovering of a Parliamentary prostitution ring - it appears there are alternative interpretations of the phrase: "it will now cost £15 to mount Big Ben".
We'd like to apologise for falsely asserting that Andrew Lansley was hospitalized - we misinterpreted the report that only one in ten doctors thought he had a clean Bill of Health.
JACK APP
I heard that Alex Salmond finally announced his preferred date in The Sun on Sunday - good luck to him; I've never had any success with lonely-hearts ads.
I think the police were right to remove protesters from the St Paul's Cathedral site - it's about time someone stood up to their controversial stance against same-sex marriage.
THE NEWSJACK APP
One in seven students at Cambridge admits having sold drugs? No wonder they call it higher education.
So scientists have discovered that squid respond to different sounds by changing colour. I can dig that. I only have to listen to Michael Buble to turn a sickly shade of puce.
(POSH VOICE) Of course darling it's no surprise to me that those Peacock stores have had to close. Who in a recession has money to spare for exotic parkland fowl?
CORRECTIONS
Further to the announcement by France's Prime minister that "mademoiselle" would, because of connotations of sexually availability, no longer be an official form of address, we apologise for the error in translation that caused us to report that henceforth all French women would be "procuresses".
INTRO SPIEL
Following a recent series of outspoken comments by a former Tory Cabinet Minister, we ask, "Liam Fox, Werrity now?"
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 1 2012, 5:50 PM GMTMy one-liner rejects this week, cheers...
INTRO:
Scientists at IBM released images this week showing the actual electrical charge on a single molecule. A single molecule! To put it into perspective, that's about the same electrical charge that you'd find in an iPhone battery.
Quote: blahblah @ March 1 2012, 5:57 PM GMTI don't agree with Angelina Jolie flashing her leg at the Oscars. It stole focus from the real stars - her breasts
Apparently they was a scene cut form The Iron Lady that saw Margaret Thatcher refusing to make butter - apparently the ladies not for churning
Quote: sootyj @ March 1 2012, 6:01 PM GMTI see that Channel 4 are basing a show on the demolition of Osama Bin Laden's house.
It's called 'Location Desecration Assassination'.
Quote: PazG @ March 1 2012, 6:04 PM GMTIt was revealed in Hansard this week that Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg showed off to everyone in a Commons debate that he went to Eton by using a word consisting of 29 letters. How ironic then, that the longest word used by his peers to describe Jacob Rees-Mogg consists of only four.
I'm in no position to be doling out criticism and advice, so I've just copied the ones that made me laugh. Although, PazG, I think you could have cut quite a bit out of the joke in quotes above.
My ginger children:
APPS:
An energy firm have posted a profit of over half a billion pounds. Somebody needs to turn off Whitney Houston's tap.
I think I know why Iran were buying all those batteries, they wanted a triple A rating.
I think it's wrong that Chinese kids are making Olympic badges for six-pence an hour. That's more than I get paid at Tesco.
I don't have a problem with a teacher quitting his job to become a rapper. As long as he has the necessary hoe levels.
I'm opening up a new bar in Westminster where Labour and Tory MPs can drink together. I've called it 'The House of Come On's'.
It's ironic that Charlotte Church has received a £600,000 settlement for having her phone hacked. It's normally the church that pays out for illegal tampering.
Rupert Murdoch launched the Sun On Sunday with a pledge of decency. I turned to page 3, they weren't that decent.
The compound where Osama bin Laden was killed is being demolished. We should fly a plane into it.
CORRECTIONS:
We'd like to apologise for suggesting that Scottish fishermen were involved in an elaborate £63 million scam. We accept that dipping a fish in oil and charging £5 for it is common practice.
We were wrong to condemn a picture of an Al-Qaeda ringleader in a Facebook car insurance ad. It was a good deal, if you sign up, you get 72 free days with Virgin.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ March 1 2012, 6:31 PM GMTAn energy firm have posted a profit of over half a billion pounds. Somebody needs to turn off Whitney Houston's tap.
I think it's wrong that Chinese kids are making Olympic badges for six-pence an hour. That's more than I get paid at Tesco.
These were also really good. I think the Whitney Houston one has been my favourite yet.