Billy Crystal's rejected Oscar jokes

In honour of last night's ceremony, I thought I'd write this.

Obviously it's a parody of the easy-target pummeling championed by the Gervais school of presenting.

Ones that (I think) work:

"I know I'm hosting this year, but I'm a little behind on some of the movies: I thought that "Moneyball" was something that Whitney Houston had been smoking."

"Is Tom Cruise in the audience tonight? Oh, hey Tom! Is Kate Holmes here? Run, Kate!" (via sootyj)

"One film I did enjoy this year was The Artist, it was just so great. I haven't been that enthralled by a silent movie since watching Tom's home video of Katie Holmes giving birth."

"Are there any Scientologists in the house tonight? Let's see a raise of taxes..."

"Hey how about Angelina Jolie? I heard she loved The Help so much she kidnapped half the cast."

"Finally saw Spielberg's War Horse; I heard Vietnam had better."

Need work:

"Some great films nominated this year, especially in the Foreign Cinema category. Although apparently Syria co-financed "Jack & Jill" which Obama has considered an act of war."

This is zeitgeist stuff guys! I'm so super offended, right now.

I thought it could do with some jokes but felt it was churlish to just say that.

I'm pretty sure they are jokes, whether they are funny or not. Not to become Emo Internet Guy but it seems that everyone else posts so-so jokes to have them critiqued/punched-up, so why can't I?

Because you're not in the clique.

Kidding

I can't open this, could you just paste them up?

Quote: masterfox20 @ February 28 2012, 7:27 AM GMT

I'm pretty sure they are jokes, whether they are funny or not. Not to become Emo Internet Guy but it seems that everyone else posts so-so jokes to have them critiqued/punched-up, so why can't I?

View original

On the first point not really. SOme things are objective, sure. But somethings are objective too. You might call a car without wheels a car, but it is going to be a hard sell. There is craft as well as ideas in jokes. That you have here is approaching what Vorhaus would call jokoids. Rough jottings that contain what the joke is about.. but not yet formed into a joke. FOr me the ideas aren't intrinsically funny and without the crafted resoulution I guess I am left with my original take.

On the second point, I think a lot of people post on critique without either good or bad comments. USually of there is not a lot to talk about rather than if they liked it or not and they didn't - politeness of a sort engenders no response. IF they do like sometimes people will simply add a or a etc. As I said it would seem churlish to add the opposite.

The final point I would make is look how you position your wares as it were when you bring them to the marketplace of critique. Originally you describe them as something you just more or less dashed off. If you are asking people to give their time to read your work and give a considered analysis - it would seem only fair that you would do the same in the creation of it. Otherwise you are asking people to shrug and not engage to much which is what happened, I guess. You then came back and said it was Zeitgeisty. This will have the same effect if it isn't really. Litotes and hyperbole or something of the sort.

Don't be disheartened by lack of critique from Critique, like I said ... it happens a lot.

Just write some more and put some jokes in it next time!

Jokoids again?

There's a cream you can get for that.

I believe it's called "he he 45" or "preparation ha!"

Shove it up your arse sootyj!

Worst. Chat. Up. Line. Ever.

Atleast compliment my hair or something!

The universal truth is that there is no worst chat up line ever. Frank Carson, God bless him, had something to say on the matter.

I have no idea what "jokeoids" means but thanks for clearing them up, Marc.

That's the beauty of the internet Sam if you don't know something, and people can't be arsed to explain it to you like I did, a quick Google search will often clarify things for you.

http://www.howellcanyonpress.com/bonus/pekinese/Bonus%20Gift%20SECRETS%20OF%20COMEDY%20WRITING.pdf

Have a look down and there is an example of a jokoid being crafted into a joke.

Quote: Marc P @ February 28 2012, 8:57 AM GMT

That's the beauty of the internet Sam if you don't know something, and people can't be arsed to explain it to you like I did, a quick Google search will often clarify things for you.

http://www.howellcanyonpress.com/bonus/pekinese/Bonus%20Gift%20SECRETS%20OF%20COMEDY%20WRITING.pdf

Have a look down and there is an example of a jokoid being crafted into a joke.

View original

Great article, Marc. I will study that.

I've written out the jokes that I think work in the original post and the ones which I think need more work.

Ok its an intriguing idea old jewish jokes written by an excited 14 year old
And the jokes aren't bad, just a bit over written and your imitating the style rather than doing any with it

Especially liked the artist joke

Quote: sootyj @ February 28 2012, 9:04 AM GMT

Ok its an intriguing idea old jewish jokes written by an excited 14 year old
.

View original

Isn't this your whole act Sootyj?

Get the comic toolbox book in it's entirety if I were you Sam. It's a good read.