NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 19

Quote: StephenM @ February 24 2012, 1:30 PM GMT

Those first three I just don't get. Sorry.

Love the Sean Penn one and the And finally. Shame they went with a similar one for the And finaly section.

And as a Liverpool fan that Kenny Daglish joke hurts. The Stewart Downing wounds are still raw.

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The first one was originally. 'The driver used his bus as a weapon like a knife, there must have been a fork in the road.' I probably over cut it.

The second one was going for "liar liar, pants on fire"

The third one was suggesting Cowell was in the closet.

I understand that by needing to explain them that they weren't very funny. Back to the drawing board for week 2.

Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMT

I agree the NHS should be open to competition. I'd be happy to run it into the ground for half the money Andrew Lansley's charging.

The government is keeping the NHS promise to care from cradle to the grave.
They're just shortening the time between the two.

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Like these two!

Quote: blahblah @ February 23 2012, 11:43 PM GMT

here mine - the artist one was used

Introductions

Uggie from The Artist has won a Golden Collar award - making him the second richest dog after Rosie Redknapp

Newsjack Apps

The government have lost track of one hundred and twenty three sex offenders - if only there was an electronic device that kept track of criminals. You could wear it on your ankle or something. Maybe one day

Corrections

We apologize for the silence last week - this was technical error and not as we reported the network premiere of The Artist

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I like both The Artist ones, nice work.

And the ankle tag one has me going here, here but not sure if I laughed. Mind you that's very like the fashion sketch last night.

Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2012, 12:25 AM GMT

My mixed bag. I had high hopes for numbers (1) through to (14). (13) was used.

NEWSJACK APP

(2)50,000 immigrants got into the UK when the checks were stopped. What have we got against the Czechs?

(3)(Arrogant posh man) Absolutely the solution to the drought in the South is to pipe in water from the North - they can always have it back again when we've finished with it.

(5)The film "Titanic" is being re-issued in 3D - technology is so advanced now that they have been able to add two dimensions to the original.

(7)As a vicar I welcome the recent debate as to whether there is a God - but of course He exists. How else would you explain Patrick Kielty going out with Cat Deeley?

(8)Why are people complaining about Jazz FM playing soundtracks from blue movies? The clue is in the name...

(9)Bankers' bonuses have been cut for problems with mis-spelling PPI. Pip! Pip!

CORRECTIONS

(11)NewsJack would like to apologise for our earlier story which suggested that Harry Redknapp was now free to receive backhanders again. We were, of course, referring to Natalie Cassidy.

(13)NewsJack would like to apologise to John Terry, who we should have referred to as being in the English Premiership title race, and not titled "England's premier racist".

(14) Newsjack would like to confirm that driver error was not to blame in the incident when two people were injured after a filing cabinet fell from a lorry. The driver stated it was not office trolley.

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Nice work there, like all of these. And some little silly ones like 5, 9 & 14 which always tickle me.

Btw - is number 7 true? Really???

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 24 2012, 12:00 PM GMT

I read in a survey that public flashers are on the rise. Last week I saw one poll, who showed me his penis.

They say that an infinite number of monkeys working at an infinite number of typewriters would eventually produce the full works of Shakespeare. In reality though you'd just get an angry bunch of monkeys and a lot of faeces covered paper. Which is one of the few similarities between Shakespeare and the Sun on Sunday.

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Like the first pun. And the typewriters one although the old cry of 'could be shorter' goes up.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 24 2012, 1:38 PM GMT

The first one was originally. 'The driver used his bus as a weapon like a knife, there must have been a fork in the road.' I probably over cut it.

The second one was going for "liar liar, pants on fire"

The third one was suggesting Cowell was in the closet.

I understand that by needing to explain them that they weren't very funny. Back to the drawing board for week 2.

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Ah yes, all becomes clear. I could be a bit slow so perhaps others can add in whether they were over-edited or not.

My head was in the shed this week.

None of these made it in. Some of them were definitely victims of the cardinal sin of using out-of-date material:-

CALLER:Global world recession, Falklands war looming, nuclear arms race kicking off...god, I hate these 80's revivals.

CALLER:Thank God for the launch of the Sun on Sunday. Since the News of the World folded my knowledge of world affairs has really gone downhill...and 2 days is a long time to go without boobies.

CALLER:I don't condone Dereck Chisora or David Hayes' behaviour, but we expect sports heroes to be a bit unpredictable and crazy...so why should sports losers be any different?

CALLER:Well done Eric Pickles for allowing council members to say prayers at meetings again! This is a victory for people of all religious faiths and at our next council meeting I'll be giving a special prayer of thanks to the great dark lord Cthulu.

CALLER:Why's everyone making such a fuss about the national credit-rating being downgraded? It just means the UK won't be able to sign up for 'Lovefilm'.

CALLERinger Shakira was attacked by a sea-lion? Isn't that a bit like being trampled by a sea-horse?

CALLER:I can't see Scotland buying into 'Devolution Max.' Though it's an appropriate name for a load of sweeteners that leave a horrible taste in the mouth.

CORRECTIONS

JUSTIN:Last week a typing error meant that instead of warning of a drought we accidentally said Britain was facing the worse draught since 1976. We'd like to apologise for the panic this caused some of our elderly listeners.

AND FINALLY

READER:This week's Newsjack was from the year the first 'artificial' meat was created in a laboratory and used to make a hamburger. Those who like their burgers well-done were disappointed as the process made only small amounts, so the meat was very rare.

READER:In this year a Labour Councillor was suspended for 'liking' a facebook comment about the IRA bombing the Tory Conference. The tribunal that followed is thought to be the first time the use of a winking smiley and the word 'lol' were used as a legal defence.

READER:This was the year scientists discovered that the speed someone walks could predict the likelihood of dementia later
in life. Prime Minister David Cameron was due to appear on Newsjack to discuss the finding, but turned up too late to comment.

READER:This was also the year the Hinchinbrooke NHS Hospital became the first to become privately-owned. The new owners 'Circle' announced they had several ideas for 'attracting' new patients, though their policy of running pedestrians over with an ambulance is still seen as controversial to this day.

READER:Finally in 2012, after police operations Elveden and
Weeting resulted in many News International journalists being arrested, Sun publisherTrevor Kavanagh said they'd been the victims of a witchhunt. Police at the time refused to comment about the possible existence of Operation "Pot-Kettle-Black"

Quote: StephenM @ February 24 2012, 1:35 PM GMT

Liked the last one but as has been said might be a little too risky for NJ. Sexual innuendo fine, death to Jedward borderline.

For the others it feels like there's a good joke in there but it hasn't come out. For example the Craig Davd one can't quite see the link to Craig David and The Sun and it is quite an old song. Perhaps a more modern song or a song about Sunday? Or something that's a bad cover of another song?

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Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback Stephen, I really appreciate it. I'm going to work harder this week to take on board everything that has been said of my work in here. I'm kicking myself now for not doing the bit around "Sunday Bloody Sunday" or something similar.

sootyj -
Heston Blumenthal's plan to grow a burger from stem cells is not dangerous. Was the response from the burger yesterday.

The government is keeping the NHS promise to care from cradle to the grave. They're just shortening the time between the two.

Big Jack -
(Arrogant posh man) Absolutely the solution to the drought in the South is to pipe in water from the North - they can always have it back again when we've finished with it.

Why are people complaining about Jazz FM playing soundtracks from blue movies? The clue is in the name...

Steve Sunshine -
Of course I'm very worried about a potential hosepipe ban. In these difficult times it's going to make it impossible for me to siphon Petrol from my neighbours car.

It's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.

Park Bench -
Japan's Emperor Akihito has undergone a successful heart bypass operation at a hospital in Tokyo. The operation is similar to the one undergone by Margaret Thatcher, prior to her decision to end free school milk for the over-sevens in 1971.

These are my faves. Park Bench - only thing I'd say is yours is a bit long and has too much info in which distracts from the punchline. A great joke though. The Catherine Zeta-Jones one might be a bit 'cruel' for Newsjack, but still an ace gag.

Damn, there are some good gag writers here.

How do you write gags? My brain just doesn't function that way.

Quote: StephenM @ February 24 2012, 1:56 PM GMT

Btw - is number 7 true? Really???

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Yes, yes it is.

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I don't agree with Angelina Jolie flashing her leg at the Oscars. It stole focus from the real stars - her breasts

I see Cameron is planning punishments that give criminals draconian restrictions - which has united the country in thinking "what's draconian"?

News has surfaced that Rebekah Brooks borrowed a horse - proof that the metropolitan police lent news international hands

So the NHS are to offer foreign nationals free HIV free treatment - coming over here paying our taxes and getting life saving treatment. Political correctness gone mad

The teen pregnancy rate is at its lowest since the sixties it's like going back in time except they had The Beatles we have One Direction. One to us!

I got a taste for whale meat but now the Japanese Amazon has banned it I've had to go back to Turkey Twizzlers

Apparently they was a scene cut form The Iron Lady that saw Margaret Thatcher refusing to make butter - apparently the ladies not for churning

People are saying whales should have human rights now. First Scotland now Wales!

People are saying Dolphins should have human rights. Only a matter of time before America launch a war to free them from the dictatorship of Aquaman

Charlotte Church said she was sickened by the News of the World hacking - I bet six hundred grand can buy a lot of medicine

I see Jedward are going to the Eurovision song contest again - they've only been picked so they're out of country for a while. I'm on to you Ireland!

(Yorkshire Accent) A4e! I'm not talking about Emma Harrisons business I've just seen an A4 piece of paper. I remember when everything was A2

Corrections

Our "family champion" story was referring to Emma Harrison and not as we reported Ed Milliband

And Finally..

That was Newsjack first broadcast in the week of the twenty twelve Oscars. Famed for Sasha Baron Cohen pretending to empty the ashes of the late Kim Jing-il on the red carpet, the mess was cleaned up immediately. But, unfortunately North Korea were not in on the joke and elected the hover president. President Henry enjoyed a successful reign before suffering a break down - one day after his warranty expired. Up next Charlotte Church regales us of tales of how she spent her six hundred thousand pound settlement to reek revenge on journalists - may their rest in peace

That was Newsjack first broadcast in the week Olympic Minister Hugh Robertson announced he was confident the Olympics would come in under budget. The reason for this was apparent when the opening ceremony consisted of one torch, two Eccles cakes, three sparklers and the UK athletes reasoning why they'll finish last. My favourite was Tom Daley who said "I'm seventeen. I'm busy telling my parents they don't understand me and touching myself" Next on Radio 4 extra is our weekly animal adoption corner presented by honoree chief inspector Rebekah Brooks

That was Newsjack from the week that saw UK livestock affected by the European disease Schmallenberg. The country were worried about the affected animals and let its guard down leaving an opening for the invasion of The English Defence League who took offence to the foreign disease coming over here and taking our livestock. The affected livestock rallied and formed the Sheep Defence League. Anyone who remembers history lessons at school will remember how the SDL won the war - having the older unaffected sheep dress as the young affected sheep - operation mutton dressed as lamb. All hail our wooly leaders. Next on Radio 4 extra we continue serializing the medical books that cured all human disease wrote by the cast of Geordie Shore. This week we discover why cataracts were only affected the vision; entitled Why Eye