Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 11:51 PM GMTGood stuff Blahblah.
Can I call you Blah?Funny stuff & the right style.
Thanks guys. All my mates call me blah! Thanks for saying its right style - if you're new to this note that I've been trying to write in right style since series 3 or 4 and only just getting it so keep it up
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 23 2012, 10:35 PM GMTI'm currently writing a sketch with the involvement of Michael Gove
Is there no end to that man's range?
Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMTI think [all if yours]
Sooty - have you been blackballed for that incident involving the Test Card girl? How did you not hit with three or four of these - quality.
thanks Timbo, pleased with artist one too. If you were to re-write tesco one what would it be? ps that's not a "if you can do better.." remark just interested. I liked the connection too but was not pleased with joke to be honest
My mixed bag. I had high hopes for numbers (1) through to (14). (13) was used.
INTRO
(1)Finding news stories to satirise this week has been like looking for David Haye in a needle scrap.
NEWSJACK APP
(2)50,000 immigrants got into the UK when the checks were stopped. What have we got against the Czechs?
(3)(Arrogant posh man) Absolutely the solution to the drought in the South is to pipe in water from the North - they can always have it back again when we've finished with it.
(4)There's one thing about the Harry Redknapp tax evasion trial that just doesn't add up. Him.
(5)The film "Titanic" is being re-issued in 3D - technology is so advanced now that they have been able to add two dimensions to the original.
(6)The Met Office has said they need supercomputers - will they be weather de-Terminators?
(7)As a vicar I welcome the recent debate as to whether there is a God - but of course He exists. How else would you explain Patrick Kielty going out with Cat Deeley?
(8)Why are people complaining about Jazz FM playing soundtracks from blue movies? The clue is in the name...
(9)Bankers' bonuses have been cut for problems with mis-spelling PPI. Pip! Pip!
(10)(Rural voice) I was watching that Springwatch the other day and saw a magnificent sight - a lovely little creature all dishevelled, rubbing its eyes and emerging through a hedge backwards. And then I realised it was really Carol Vorderman on Loose Women.
CORRECTIONS
(11)NewsJack would like to apologise for our earlier story which suggested that Harry Redknapp was now free to receive backhanders again. We were, of course, referring to Natalie Cassidy.
(12)In our reporting of his on-going trial for perverting the course of justice, we said that Chris Huhn had raised a point of order - but omitted to mention that he then tried to give it to his wife.
(13)NewsJack would like to apologise to John Terry, who we should have referred to as being in the English Premiership title race, and not titled "England's premier racist".
(14) Newsjack would like to confirm that driver error was not to blame in the incident when two people were injured after a filing cabinet fell from a lorry. The driver stated it was not office trolley.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2012, 12:25 AM GMTCORRECTIONS
(11)NewsJack would like to apologise for our earlier story which suggested that Harry Redknapp was now free to receive backhanders again. We were, of course, referring to Natalie Cassidy.
I can see why they didn't use this, but it's a great line.
am I being thick because I don't get it?
yep...
yep I'm being thick? Fair enough happens far more often than I'd like
Redknapp off the hook for tax evasion/ bung related activity.
Minor story this week, Natalie Cassidy is back with abusive boyfriend, who she forgives for beating her up regulary.
one+one=fun
oh thanks - I did not know about the boyfriend. Makes sense now
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2012, 12:12 AM GMTIs there no end to that man's range?
Sooty - have you been blackballed for that incident involving the Test Card girl? How did you not hit with three or four of these - quality.
It maybe the photo I sent in of myself.
When I offered to be the "testicles card girl"
[quote name="Steve Sunshine" post="854526" date="February 23 2012, 7:36 PM GMT"]My ones:
Of course I'm very worried about a potential hosepipe ban. In these difficult times it's going to make it impossible for me to siphon Petrol from my neighbours car.
It's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.
I was very upset to see that Gavin Henson split up with his girlfriend, When two strangers who got to know each other over 12 weeks on a reality show can't make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us.
LIked all these three Sunshine.
All of mine (a couple have appeared in other posts)
Last series Newsjack stated that Andrew Lansley was planning reforms to the NHS, we'd like to apologise for suggesting that Andrew Lansley actually has a plan.
Last series Jeremy Clarkson featured on Newsjack, we would like to apologise if this caused offence.
I read in a survey that public flashers are on the rise. Last week I saw one poll, who showed me his penis.
I read that Strauss-Khan was held over a sex ring, that's nothing, I once walked in on my Granddad who was tied to a sex swing.
I read that Rupert Murdock has told his staff that if he finds any evidence of illegal activity he'll be handing it over to the police; his accountant must be crapping himself.
I heard the boxer Derek Chisowa said he is going to literally shoot David Haye, Well I know from my experience of grouse hunting that those metaphorical bullets just don't have the same pop.
After seeing Derek Chisowa and David Hare fighting on the TV I can't help thinking didn't anyone ever tell them that violence doesn't solve anything.
I read there is a twenty-year old who can speak eleven languages, that's nothing, I can say 'Can you speak English?' in fourteen.
Capello has quit his England role after Terry was stripped of the captaincy. Who has ever heard of an Italian leaving a sinking ship without a captain?
They say that an infinite number of monkeys working at an infinite number of typewriters would eventually produce the full works of Shakespeare. In reality though you'd just get an angry bunch of monkeys and a lot of faeces covered paper. Which is one of the few similarities between Shakespeare and the Sun on Sunday.
And my intros:
Last Saturday saw Derek Chisowa, young British boxer involved in an ugly and disappointing brawl before starting another fight with David Haye that he also lost.
This led to Derek Chisowa saying he is going to literally shoot David Haye, I know from my experience of grouse hunting that those metaphorical bullets just don't have the same pop.
Love it or hate it, the Sun newspaper is the Marmite of print journalism, it's bottom of the barrel and if you used it as toilet paper you'd probably develop a yeast infection.
But media mogul Rupert Murdock has finally announced the launch of Sun on Sunday, a decision so long predicted that even Nostradamus saw it coming.
With Britain looking to divorce Alex Salmond and David Cameron have been squabbling over the children. I must admit if David Cameron and Alex Salmond were my parents I may have a history of heroine abuse too.
And now that sixteen and seventeen year olds might be allowed to vote on the referendum David Cameron has been desperately trying to draw in the youth vote much like that creepy old man tried to draw you in to the back of his van, with the promise of increased fiscal autonomy.
Just got the email from Ed Morrish saying I had stuff recorded but it didn't make the edit. Faith in work restored.
Don't know if there's any way to change it now but might be wise to start a new thread for series 6 for these. Could be a very long thread by the end!
One thing I noticed when reading these is I feel a great deal of sympathy for the NJ crew. Not because they aren't good but reading through so many in a row does make you lose your sense of humour.
Do other people feel the same? I definitely feel more positive towards people posting 1-5 rather than 10+.
I think one-liners are a bit of a lottery to be honest and probably more competitive than sketches so don't be downheartened if they didn't get on. You could have a great one-liner but someone could have written a similar one, a sketch was on the same subject or just wasn't in the top 10 out of 10,000!
Quote: Garry Lee @ February 23 2012, 6:12 PM GMTFirst round of rejects.
"We'd like to correct the following errors. In this year's BAFTAs, it was Christopher Plummer that won the award for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Beginners, and not David Cameron for his role in the NHS Bill."
"At Newsjack, we'd like to apologise for falsely asserting that The Sun on Sunday will launch with a bonus CD of Craig David's "7 Days" featuring new lyrics: "Monday, you can buy The Sun on Tuesday, you can buy it too on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, and now on Sunday"."
"Alcohol Concern predicts that the rate of alcohol misuse will rise to 1.5 million by 2015; patients have been advised to take up overeating and smoking too if they ever want to see the top of an NHS waiting list."
"Whitney Houston posthumously managed to claim 23 places in the UK's Top 200 Singles Chart this week; finally providing Louis Walsh with a foolproof strategy for getting Jedward that elusive Christmas number one."
- The opinions expressed below are just mine. Not right, not wrong, just mine.
Liked the last one but as has been said might be a little too risky for NJ. Sexual innuendo fine, death to Jedward borderline.
For the others it feels like there's a good joke in there but it hasn't come out. For example the Craig Davd one can't quite see the link to Craig David and The Sun and it is quite an old song. Perhaps a more modern song or a song about Sunday? Or something that's a bad cover of another song?
Quote: groovydude89 @ February 23 2012, 6:18 PM GMT"Is that a bomb in your underpants - or are you just pleased to see me? Oh crikey - it is a bomb!"
"I'm glad that Facebook hacker's been sent to prison- I mean, had he succeeded in destroying the site - I would've been forced to get a life!"
"'Price moved to women's prison'? Please be Katie... please be Katie ... oh damn - it's Marian Price!"
"Apparently, frequent text messaging can damage a person's reading skills! WTF?"
"'Scottish voters should be given a straight choice'? Is it just me, or does that sound a bit heterocentric?"
I really like the Scottish one of these. Would it work better if it started 'Alex Salmond says ....'?
The others sound similar to jokes that already exist but mind you that's not necessarily a bar to getting on NJ!
Quote: Park Bench @ February 23 2012, 6:20 PM GMTNot a great bunch for me this week, but these ones could've made Smart Price crackers...
Edwina Currie has brought a woman to tears on national radio, by telling her she had only herself to blame for her family's struggling finances. Ms. Currie has since apologized after realising she should have checked if the woman had actually voted Conservative first.
Price of diesel reaches a record high price of 142.05 pence per litre, at an inflation rate almost the same as the soufflés cooked on BBC Masterchef.
A survey by ATL has revealed that more and more pupils are not fully toilet trained and are prone to wetting and soiling themselves during classes. The government intends to address this issue by introducing a minimum price for a unit of alcohol.
Japan's Emperor Akihito has undergone a successful heart bypass operation at a hospital in Tokyo. The operation is similar to the one undergone by Margaret Thatcher, prior to her decision to end free school milk for the over-sevens in 1971.
Some nice ideas here but could you hone them a little more? For example the last one has a reference to a 1971 news story - could you make it more topical about the Iron Lady? And in terms of trimming it you could say:
Japan's Emperor Akihito has undergone a successful heart bypass operation. A similar one to Margaret Thatcher's ...
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 6:29 PM GMTONE LINERS
Amanda Knox has signed a £2.5 million book deal eh? What an opportunity, Knox.
I look forward to eating one of these new test tube burgers with relish. I'll be darned if I'm going to eat one without it.
My doctor told me ginger can prevent motion sickness, so I listened to Ed Sheeran's album in the car.
I love a pun and those first two are brilliant. Especially the burger one.
And the Ed Sheeran one made me laugh.
Quote: amarsandhu @ February 23 2012, 6:48 PM GMT- (Australian accent) So Dutch researchers think they've created the world's first completely artificial beefcake? Err I think you'll find that Peter Andre's mum got there first.
- We'd like to apologise to the Duchess of Cornwall, after her visit to Sandown this week, for suggesting that she was the same as any of the horses there. We've since found out that she was in fact the clear favourite that day and won the race by a full furlong.
- We'd like to apologise to the House of Commons for our suggestion that Welfare Bill was actually the alias of a notorious benefits cheat.
I like the Peter Andre one and with a little tightening would be perfect. (e.g. So Dutch researchers have created the first artifical beefcake? Haven't they heard of Peter Andre?)
Personally I'm not a fan of the Camilla / horse thing as thing it's been done to death (no, no not doing the flogging a dead horse gag)
Love the Welfare Bill one, very similar to the Sweet Georgia Brown one that got on.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 23 2012, 7:09 PM GMTA driver used his bus as a weapon; there must have been a fork in the road.
The Underwear bomber has been sentenced to life in prison. He should have used the defence 'I just lie a lot".
Simon Cowell beats stress by spending time in an oxygen tent. He should just come out already.
Sean Penn has attacked Britain twice. Who does he think we are, Madonna?
Kenny Dalglish has had to apologise again. After watching a report on The Falklands, he put a £35million pound bid in for the Argentinean Mel Venus.
And Finally:
That was Newsjack from back in 2012, shortly before David Cameron settled his dispute with Argentina by handing them over Scotland. The agreement was a success for all parties: Argentina got some oil, the Scottish improved at football and Britain's life expectancy rose by 13 years.
Those first three I just don't get. Sorry.
Love the Sean Penn one and the And finally. Shame they went with a similar one for the And finaly section.
And as a Liverpool fan that Kenny Daglish joke hurts. The Stewart Downing wounds are still raw.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 7:36 PM GMTMy ones:
Of course I'm very worried about a potential hosepipe ban. In these difficult times it's going to make it impossible for me to siphon Petrol from my neighbours car.
It's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.
I was very upset to see that Gavin Henson split up with his girlfriend, When two strangers who got to know each other over 12 weeks on a reality show can't make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us.
If Rangers cease to exist then it's going to be a tragedy for so many people. But on the bright side it'll mean a lot more picnic baskets for Yogi & Booboo.
High street sales are up are they , Who cares Most of us hard working people can't even afford to buy a High street.
I'm a bit confused, the Falklands, now that's where Columbo is buried isn't it?
Scientists have managed to synthesise Meat in a laboratory But they are prohibited from making synthetic Ham as they might be sued by John Barrowman
I loved all of these especially the Zeta Jones and Barrowman ones. The only thing is to me they sound more like Justin's intro than a Jack-app. Could be wrong about that.
Quote: Nodz @ February 23 2012, 9:09 PM GMTHello all. Just one NJ one-liner to start me off, before I build up to as many as say, two, next week...
Harry Redknapp has conceded that, despite his acquittal on tax evasion charges, he took his eye off his finances. He plans to take a long, hard look at himself.
Strikes me it was self-assessment got him into this mess, but there you go...
As RJ said nice gag can you get there quicker?
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 23 2012, 9:50 PM GMTLast series Newsjack stated that Andrew Lansley was planning reforms to the NHS, we'd like to apologise for suggesting that Andrew Lansley actually has a plan.
I've definitely heard that joke somewhere (can't remember where) so take heart that some of the pros are thinking on the same lines.
Quote: Timbo @ February 23 2012, 9:56 PM GMTIn our in depth report on the potential successor to Lu Jinto as Paramount Leader of the Chinese Communist Party, we erroneously reported that the leading candidates were the eleven vice presidents; what we intended to say was that the leading candidate is Vice President Xi. Spelt X I.
In our item on synthetic meat grown in a Dutch laboratory we erroneously reported that scientists spending two hundred thousand pounds to produce a single hamburger were hoping to undercut the Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
I like both of these but wondered if the first one works better written down?
Actually I love the GBK one.