Duo Stand up routine.
Intro:
Bert slowly, confidently walks on stage, saying hello and thanks etc. Bert is carrying a guitar and after saying thanks he sits on the stool behind him.
Bert starts playing guitar really badly. He then realises, shakes his head and re-tunes it and starts playing again. He still plays badly but gives a nod of approval that the sound is now good.
Voice from side of stage: “Are you ready for me?”
Bert pauses and continues playing badly.
Voice from side of stage: “I said are you ready for me?”
Bert ignores again.
Voice from stage (whistles then shouts): Oy Carlos Santana. Are you ready for me?”
Bert stops playing. “What?”
Voice from side of stage: “Is it me now?”
Bert: “No it’s my solo first then you come on after. You wait till I stop playing”
Voice: “You have stopped playing.”
Bert: ”Yeah, but only because I’m bloody talking to you.”
Felix: “But I’m all dressed up and ready.”
Bert: “What d’you mean dressed up?”
Felix: “For my bit.”
Bert: “But there isn’t any need for you to dress up.”
Felix. ”Oh”
Bert carries on playing badly.
A couple of seconds later Felix walks on naked all bar a guitar (strapped around shoulder) covering his bits, hands on hips and goes up to Bert.
Bert: “What the f…? What are you doing? Why have you come on like that?”
Felix: “Well if I left the guitar off then the audience would see my maracas.”
Bert: “Just lose the guitar and get off the stage”
Felix: “Okay”. Felix removes the guitar to reveal a pair of maracas dangling in front of you know what.
Bert: “What you got them there for?”
Felix: “They’re covering me bollox, stupid!” He turns round to reveal a picture of a baboons arse and walks off.
Bert: “I’d like to apologise for my friends uncouth behaviour. (Pause) He’s tall.”
Bert puts guitar and stool to one side.
Bert: “Bloke goes to a blacksmith and asks for a job. The blacksmith asks, “What experience do you have of shoeing horses?” The bloke replies, “Well I told a donkey to f**k off once.”
“Went to the chippy the other day and asked for cod and chips twice. The bloke said I heard you the first time.”
I see that doctors are now saying that if men wear ties too tight then they might go blind.
Thank God for that!
That means I can carry on wanking!
I took the dog to the vet the other day. He was losing his hair in lumps. The vet said that it was a tricky case so he was gonna have to refur him.
“I went to the sports centre the other day and asked could I join their yoga class and the assistant said, “How flexible are you?” I replied, “Well I can make Tuesdays”
Felix enters stage, carrying a dummy of an old woman.
Felix: “You haven’t been annoying the audience with your pathetic jokes again, have you?”
Bert: “Ha Ha. What are you doing now?”
Felix: “Helping this old lady across the road”
Bert: “That’s not a real lady!”
Felix: “That’s okay. This isn’t a real road, fool!”.
Bert pulls out a gun and shoots Felix.
Felix: “Ha! Missed me, ya tart!” then red liquid spurts from his chest.
Bert runs off.
Felix: “He’s always doing that!” Felix casually takes off jacket to reveal shirt with lots of ‘bullet’ holes and hangs jacket on coat stand that appears from back/side stage.
Bert comes back with broom and sweeps stage.
Felix: “What ya doing?”
Bert: “This place is in a terrible f**king mess! I can’t bring the queen (FX Killer Queen – Queen – 3 times). Oh for F**ks sake, like I was saying I can’t bring (pause) Her Majesty (pause) back here for tea!”
Felix: “Why would the Queen (Both turn to listen) (FX It’s a kind of magic – Queen) (both look at each other confused) come back here for tea?”
Bert: “Exactly! Excuse me.”
Bert walks off stage.
FX: Clatter –
Bert OOV: All you had to do – (FX -Whack!) – was play one track – (FX-Whack!) – and you still cock it up! It’s a kind of magic! – (FX -Whack!) Who am I, David f**king Blaine?! – (FX-Whack!). If you weren’t my dad…! (FX -Whack! Whack! Whack! ) (FX – Another One Bites The Dust ).
Whilst the noise occurs in background Felix does rubbish dance. As Bert says “Blaine” Felix reveals his palms to the audience to show eyes drawn on to each. He gives the audience an exaggerated wink.
Bert comes on stage shaking and rubbing his fist.
Felix: “Is that new?”
Bert: “What?”
Felix: “That broom”
Bert: “Yes”
Felix: “Thought so”
Bert: “Why?”
Felix: “It’s sweeping very clean”
Bert: “It should”
Felix: “Why’s that?”
Bert: “It’s new”. Bert sweeps off to back/side stage.
A chair appears on stage. There is a book on it. Felix takes a purple velvet smoking jacket and a cravat from the coat stand and puts them on. He picks up the book and sits on the chair. Opens Microwave oven door and takes out ‘jacket potato’. Takes glasses from hinged jacket potato and puts them on. He opens the book.
Felix: Dolly – A poem. Felix revolves book 180 degrees.
“The hair and voice of Dolly Parton
Are two of her finest bits
But even they aren’t a patch
On her great, big, enormous tits.
Thank You”.
Felix arises from the chair, slowly bows and leaves the stage.
Bert enters stage waving a torch, swirling it around making patterns and airplane and whooshing type noises.
Whilst Bert is ‘performing’, Felix returns clutching a large, inflatable hammer.
He removes his jacket and hangs it on the coat-stand. He blows on and spits on his hands. He picks up the inflatable hammer and proceeds to wallop Bert round the back of the head.
Bert falls heavily to the floor.
Whilst he struggles to pick himself up Felix casually puts the hammer down, puts his jacket back on and picks the hammer up.
Bert: (still stunned) Why’d you do that?
Felix: DO what?
Bert: Hit me!
Felix strikes Bert again. Bert falls to the floor again. He gets up quickly this time, ready for a fight.
Bert: Now why the f**k did you do that?!
Felix: You just said ‘Hit me’.
Bert: Yeah! I was saying that’s what you did whilst I was entertaining these moro…good people.
Felix: What did I do?
Bert: Hit me!
Felix obliges. Bert falls once more. He springs up.
Bert: I’m getting pissed off with this.
Bert pulls out a gun and shoots Felix. Blood spurts from Felix’s chest.
Felix: Why’d you do that?
Bert: What?
Felix: Shoot me!
Bert obliges. Again blood spurts from Felix’s chest.
Bert: C**t!
Bert walks off; Felix lies on floor with blood spurting intermittently.
Bert returns carrying a wreath. He places it on Felix. He drags Felix off by the feet.
