NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 17

I don't know Kevin, I completely missed the meaning before I saw the comment (but I am particularly slow tonight). It is by far the best joke of the lot that you wrote, part of the reason - it is relevant (look at the Derek and Dave joke - is there a more current reference than Greta? (at least this is how I consider what I'm writing)). I'm currently writing a sketch with the involvement of Michael Gove but I can't help thinking 'is there some I can replace him with who is more relevant and fits the same purpose?'

I would use that as template joke because it is succinct, it is punchy, it is a very clever turn of phrase, it is a wonderfully crafted joke.

Secondly if you look at a lot of the jokes on here, as good as they are, they really fall into the observational comedy pigeon hole, which simply doesn't translate on radio. So I would also suggest re-writing so it's not an observation and what ever insight it has is subtle and striking only after the punchline.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 23 2012, 10:09 PM GMT

What you've done, Garry for example, is express a funny idea, but not really a joke in the trues sense. The greatest satire is to generate an idea through subtext so the audience comes to your conclusion themselves (Mort Sahl was a genius at this). Try to make the punchline something they wouldn't see from the set-up but can't believe they didn't think of at the punchline. Humour comes partly from the rejection of an absurd idea and partly from the respect and appreciation of a clever turn-of-phrase.

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Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me this feedback. I'll have this paragraph open the next time I'm thinking of submitting to Newsjack. I'm very new to this, and eager to improve and learn.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 10:32 PM GMT

Not for the one liners, I don't think so anyway
Maybe a sketch.

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Understood, it's hard to gauge what people necessarily want in feedback - I prefer getting taken apart, but I can understand if others don't, hence why I've tried to be careful with what I say. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

Apologies Sunshine if I over-stepped the line.

Quote: Garry Lee @ February 23 2012, 10:36 PM GMT

Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me this feedback. I'll have this paragraph open the next time I'm thinking of submitting to Newsjack. I'm very new to this, and eager to improve and learn.

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To be fair this is a lot of what I leanrt spending a couple of years on the open mic circuit - I was by no means good (still planning on going back) but there are some basic rules that people seem to miss just because it is way of thinking that at first isn't obvious

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 23 2012, 10:39 PM GMT

Understood, it's hard to gauge what people necessarily want in feedback - I prefer getting taken apart, but I can understand if others don't, hence why I've tried to be careful with what I say. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

Apologies Sunshine if I over-stepped the line.

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Sorry I updated the quote to make more sense.
I was saying that it isn't their job to rewrite a one liner for anybody.

Your comments on my stuff was spot on.

I left it late, did them all at my desk on Tuesday and was only trying to make them jokes rather than NewsJack suitable.

I valued the Critique.

I think it's brilliant that David Cameron's privatised the Olympics. I hope he remembers to give Barclays the bill.

Heston Blumenthal's plan to grow a burger from stem cells is not dangerous. Was the response from the burger yesterday.

I agree the NHS should be open to competition. I'd be happy to run it into the ground for half the money Andrew Lansley's charging.

Heston Blumenthal's is now attempting to breed a new burger that's suicidally depressed for guilty vegetarians. It's called the Quarter Downer.

I agree with Sean Penn we should give the Falkland Islands back to the IRA.

Greece should worry about European take over. After Angela Merkel just thrown her beach towel over their parliament.

So Boris Johnson says he wants to take water from up North for London?
He's more than welcome to take the piss.

I think it's great the Sun is replacing the News of the World.
It's easier to pronounce.

The government is keeping the NHS promise to care from cradle to the grave.
They're just shortening the time between the two.

Downing Street catering has made dramatic 90% savings.
Thanks to David Cameron's policy of only inviting to tea people who agree with him

Scientists have managed to grow fruit from 30,000 year old frozen seeds.
Rupert Murdoch is delighted at the chance of having less disappointing children.

Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMT

Heston Blumenthal's plan to grow a burger from stem cells is not dangerous. Was the response from the burger yesterday.

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Lovely.

Sootyj - lovely jokes, the second one is perfect! Though with joke 4 personally for me, as a rule, always avoid puns, my brief experience tells me puns are never funny (Andy Zaltzman is the master of puns and even his are painful). But some of yours are corkers!

Avoid puns? Did you hear NJ tonight? Pun city! They'll take puns, if they like them..

Quote: RJ @ February 23 2012, 11:05 PM GMT

Avoid puns? Did you hear NJ tonight? Pun city! They'll take puns, if they like them..

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OK you may be right, they can just be contentious, and that is my way of saying I'm probably wrong on that rule

Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMT

Heston Blumenthal's plan to grow a burger from stem cells is not dangerous. Was the response from the burger yesterday.

I agree with Sean Penn we should give the Falkland Islands back to the IRA.

The government is keeping the NHS promise to care from cradle to the grave.
They're just shortening the time between the two.

Downing Street catering has made dramatic 90% savings.
Thanks to David Cameron's policy of only inviting to tea people who agree with him

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All good.

Thanx I liked that lot tiz a shame the BBC didn't agree,

Your burger sketch was better than the one they used...

here mine - the artist one was used

Introductions

Uggie from The Artist has won a Golden Collar award - making him the second richest dog after Rosie Redknapp

Karl Lagerfeld's favourite singer Adele won six grammys or if you prefer six thousand milligram-mys

One hundred and forty two thousand people have signed a petition opposing the NHS reforms - David Cameron is already finding a solution - shutting down schools so the next generation can't sign anything

Newsjack Apps

I see Fred Godwin was stripped of his knighthood. He could have kept it with two simple words - no backsies

The government have lost track of one hundred and twenty three sex offenders - if only there was an electronic device that kept track of criminals. You could wear it on your ankle or something. Maybe one day

I don't understand all the complaints about people working for free in Tescos - I love the self check out

Abu Qatada is facing deportation for preaching hate - so why is nothing being done about Jeremy Clarkson?

A Swedish man lived in his car surviving on snow for two months - that's one way to avoid Strictly Come Dancing

Masterchef were criticized for showing a risen soufflé and a deflated one - maybe it was nerves okay!? Maybe if you didn't complain so much!

Latvia have rejected option of making Russian the country's second official language - I don't see the problem according to all the films I've seen all foreigners speak English with a funny accent

Corrections

Corrections are like Jedward - annoying and we all wish they never happened

We said mythical children's television superheroes have begun working in data input we of course meant that Rangers has gone into administration

We apologize for the silence last week - this was technical error and not as we reported the network premiere of The Artist

When Dereck Chisora threatened to shoot fellow boxer David Hayes he meant in a gangster way and not as we reported as including him in his directorial debut

When we mentioned the Bull Record we were referring to the one hundred and twenty six thousand pound sale of a bull and not casting doubts on the validity of the Guinness book of records

END

Quote: blahblah @ February 23 2012, 11:43 PM GMT

I don't understand all the complaints about people working for free in Tescos - I love the self check out

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That is an excellent connection, but not sure you have quite nailed the gag.

Well done on The Artist one, nailed that one well.

Good stuff Blahblah.
Can I call you Blah?

Funny stuff & the right style.