Aaah I see.
Wasn't able to write much for this series as my honeymoon was slap bang in the middle of it, so missed out on getting anything on thus ruining my 100% record (submitted things for the last two series and got something on each time).
Well done to everyone who got anything on though, from what little I heard I thought the standard of this series was slightly higher than previous ones, I guess everyone is improving.
Thanks BigJack, fantastic analysis.
And I agree with you Radiation, the Intros are a really good way to try and get stuff in and not just for the corrections or jackapps but for the sketches as well. I know guessing what sketches will be on can be tough but its definitely worth a punt. For instance, one of the things I got on last series was the intro to a Middle East sketch I didn't write (Events in the Middle East are a lot like Hollyoaks ...) which is a general intro that could be used for any sketch on that topic.
Incidentally, I've noticed that a lot of sketches start with [such a thing] is like [some other thing] ...
Just giving this a bump for any brave souls who might wish/need to use it tomorrow! 
Great idea. Looking forward to seeing what didn't make it (that was supposed to sound nicer than it came out).
There have been a few cracking stories which fell after the deadline.
First round of rejects.
"We'd like to correct the following errors. In this year's BAFTAs, it was Christopher Plummer that won the award for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Beginners, and not David Cameron for his role in the NHS Bill."
"At Newsjack, we'd like to apologise for falsely asserting that The Sun on Sunday will launch with a bonus CD of Craig David's "7 Days" featuring new lyrics: "Monday, you can buy The Sun on Tuesday, you can buy it too on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, and now on Sunday"."
"Alcohol Concern predicts that the rate of alcohol misuse will rise to 1.5 million by 2015; patients have been advised to take up overeating and smoking too if they ever want to see the top of an NHS waiting list."
"Whitney Houston posthumously managed to claim 23 places in the UK's Top 200 Singles Chart this week; finally providing Louis Walsh with a foolproof strategy for getting Jedward that elusive Christmas number one."
The last one wins. Although it might be a bit bad taste for NJ.
"Is that a bomb in your underpants - or are you just pleased to see me? Oh crikey - it is a bomb!"
"Apparently, the NHS initially wanted 666 to be their new non-emergency phone number. However, that plan was scuppered by their discovery that it had already been taken by the Satanic Society of Great Britain."
"I assumed it was common knowledge that Adolf Hitler had fathered a bastard. I mean, after all - the people of North West England elected him to the European Parliament!"
"I must confess that I'm partially responsible for the drought in south-east England. You see, I live in Cambridgeshire, possess Herculean stamina and pleasure myself in the shower every morning."
"Word of advice - never ask a roomful of people to 'raise a glass' - at least not until you've checked whether or not David Haye is in attendance."
"Nick Clegg has told a Glasgow court of the distress he endured as a result of being covered with blue paint by an angry protestor, stating - 'I was worried that it would lead to people perceiving me as being pro-Tory!'"
"I'm glad that Facebook hacker's been sent to prison- I mean, had he succeeded in destroying the site - I would've been forced to get a life!"
"I see the German president's done a Mandelson. Ten quid says he'll manage to worm his way back in!"
"I reckon Lembit Opik holds the key to improving relations between Britain and Argentina. Why? Well, because their president's an attractive widow - and he's got a track record of pulling women who really should be out of his league. Simples!"
"'Price moved to women's prison'? Please be Katie... please be Katie ... oh damn - it's Marian Price!"
"Apparently, frequent text messaging can damage a person's reading skills! WTF?"
"'Scottish voters should be given a straight choice'? Is it just me, or does that sound a bit heterocentric?"
"Apparently, Dutch scientists have managed to create synthetic meat. Good for them - although personally, I'm happy with my dildo."
Not a great bunch for me this week, but these ones could've made Smart Price crackers...
Edwina Currie has brought a woman to tears on national radio, by telling her she had only herself to blame for her family's struggling finances. Ms. Currie has since apologized after realising she should have checked if the woman had actually voted Conservative first.
Price of diesel reaches a record high price of 142.05 pence per litre, at an inflation rate almost the same as the soufflés cooked on BBC Masterchef.
A survey by ATL has revealed that more and more pupils are not fully toilet trained and are prone to wetting and soiling themselves during classes. The government intends to address this issue by introducing a minimum price for a unit of alcohol.
Japan's Emperor Akihito has undergone a successful heart bypass operation at a hospital in Tokyo. The operation is similar to the one undergone by Margaret Thatcher, prior to her decision to end free school milk for the over-sevens in 1971.
ONE LINERS
Who were Dereck and Dave fighting over? Bleedin' Greta Garbo?
Ofcom said Jeremy Clarkson's comments "were not at all likely to encourage members of the public to act on them in any way", which is useful for someone who fronts a motoring review show.
Amanda Knox has signed a £2.5 million book deal eh? What an opportunity, Knox.
I look forward to eating one of these new test tube burgers with relish. I'll be darned if I'm going to eat one without it.
My doctor told me ginger can prevent motion sickness, so I listened to Ed Sheeran's album in the car.
I wasn't surprised that the series of Call the Midwife ended on a ratings high. It's what you get when you have one last push.
I'm not surprised Rupert Murdoch thinks Scotland should be given independence. After all, Hackett is a Scottish name.
Producers say they're re-releasing films in 3D for a greater viewing experience. They're clearly missing the elephant in the room, so hopefully Dumbo will get a re-release too.
First time on the Critique thread so here goes. Would appreciate some feedback. I'm also happy to feedback on any posted on here (after I've been to the Co-Op for dinner. It gets pretty crazy round here on a Thursday night (?!)
The JackApp
- (As The Queen) I thought a Greek bail out was what I had to do when Phillip upset someone...
- I heard that people are reportedly stealing chewing gum to use as currency in Romania?! Nah...that won't stick in court
- (Australian accent) So Dutch researchers think they've created the world's first completely artificial beefcake? Err I think you'll find that Peter Andre's mum got there first.
- I found those recent Ryanair adverts really offensive because to suggest that anyone would want to fly with Ryanair is massively offensive.
- Elton John's playing Blackpool? So not so much Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, more like Hello Vomit Stained Path...
- I want to tune into that new Carlos Tevez programme tonight. One Mancini and His Dog...
- I know Twickenham Studios is closing in June but it'll probably be July once they've done all the adverts and trailers and stuff.
- Ofcom didn't think Clarkson was offensive? They should be taken outside and shot in front of their families. We never get to see the day to day life of an Ofcom official and a family photograph would be nice.
- (Yorkshire accent) I'm glad that old naked rambler has been fined for ruining the West Yorkshire landscape. It's an absolutely appalling, disgusting sight and not one that needs to be further ruined by some naked bloke.
Corrections
- We'd like to apologise to Ryanair for suggesting that their flights to Edinburgh were as popular as haggis. In retrospect we realise that comparison was offal.
- We'd like to apologise to the Duchess of Cornwall, after her visit to Sandown this week, for suggesting that she was the same as any of the horses there. We've since found out that she was in fact the clear favourite that day and won the race by a full furlong.
- We'd like to apologise to the House of Commons for our suggestion that Welfare Bill was actually the alias of a notorious benefits cheat.
- We'd like to apologise to James Murdoch for suggesting he was going to avoid the phone hacking scandal by hiding in outer space. It would appear we misinterpreted the headline that Rupert Murdoch was going to launch Sun on Sunday.
I liked the Queen and the House of Commons gags. Short and to the point. The Twickenham Studios one was OK.
One general thing - try and condense as much as possible. Short and to the point.
Good advice RJ.
My quickies:
Paul McCartney has quit smoking cannabis at 69. His spliff kept getting soggy.
A driver used his bus as a weapon; there must have been a fork in the road.
Sean Penn has attacked Britain twice. Who does he think we are, Madonna?
Kenny Dalglish has had to apologise again. After watching a report on The Falklands, he put a £35million pound bid in for the Argentinean Mel Venus.
The Underwear bomber has been sentenced to life in prison. He should have used the defence 'I just lie a lot".
Simon Cowell beats stress by spending time in an oxygen tent. He should just come out already.
Cocaine was found on the Concordia Captain's hair. It must have been a big liner.
You can now transfer cash using your mobile phone. Which is great news for former News of the World staff.
I've just seen that John Bercow painting. The artist really puts the 'imp' in impressionist.
Gary Barlow's wife is expecting their fourth child. She's on her back for good.
Correction:
We'd like to apologise for reporting that Adele would be taking a break. In fact, she just wanted a kit kat.
And Finally:
That was Newsjack from back in 2012, shortly before David Cameron settled his dispute with Argentina by handing them over Scotland. The agreement was a success for all parties: Argentina got some oil, the Scottish improved at football and Britain's life expectancy rose by 13 years.
Quote: RJ @ February 23 2012, 6:55 PM GMTI liked the Queen and the House of Commons gags. Short and to the point. The Twickenham Studios one was OK.
One general thing - try and condense as much as possible. Short and to the point.
Interesting, thank you and its most appreciated. Definitely agree on the length of jokes, short and snappy seems to be the way forward
Quote: Garry Lee @ February 23 2012, 6:12 PM GMTFirst round of rejects.
"Whitney Houston posthumously managed to claim 23 places in the UK's Top 200 Singles Chart this week; finally providing Louis Walsh with a foolproof strategy for getting Jedward that elusive Christmas number one."
Brilliant. Agreed that it probably wouldn't get used in Newsjack because it's not 'tasteful' but a cracking joke nonetheless
Quote: groovydude89 @ February 23 2012, 6:18 PM GMT"Is that a bomb in your underpants - or are you just pleased to see me? Oh crikey - it is a bomb!"
"I assumed it was common knowledge that Adolf Hitler had fathered a bastard. I mean, after all - the people of North West England elected him to the European Parliament!"
I liked this alot!
My ones:
Of course I'm very worried about a potential hosepipe ban. In these difficult times it's going to make it impossible for me to siphon Petrol from my neighbours car.
It's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.
I was very upset to see that Gavin Henson split up with his girlfriend, When two strangers who got to know each other over 12 weeks on a reality show can't make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us.
If Rangers cease to exist then it's going to be a tragedy for so many people. But on the bright side it'll mean a lot more picnic baskets for Yogi & Booboo.
High street sales are up are they , Who cares Most of us hard working people can't even afford to buy a High street.
Now that Iran have stopped trading with Britain we're going to have trouble bringing enough oil into the country We'll either have to increase North Sea exploration or failing that just get Piers Morgan back from America
I'm a bit confused, the Falklands, now that's where Columbo is buried isn't it?
Scientists have managed to synthesise Meat in a laboratory But they are prohibited from making synthetic Ham as they might be sued by John Barrowman
It's ridiculous He's hardly ever been booked in his career but it's only now after all these years that we are allowed to call Ryan Giigs "Affair Player"