A sketch I recently wrote. All comments welcome....
INT. OFFICE. DAY.
CLEMENT HAS BEEN CALLED INTO HIS BOSSES OFFICE.
BOSS:
Okay Clement, take a seat. Do you know why I called you in here?
CLEMENT:
Yes, because of the squirrels in the sink.
BOSS:
What? No.....what's...squirrels in the sink?
CLEMENT:
Sorry, ahem..I was thinking of some other am...job.
BOSS:
Clement I have called you in here to discuss your simply appalling time-keeping. Late twenty seven days in a row and twelve bouts of sickness in the last six months. Not one doctor's note and some of the most outlandish excuses I have ever heard. Here are just a few...
1.I was fishing on the lake and one of the oars fell out and I spent two days going around in circles.
2.My phone's been poisoned.
3.Similar theme to the first one here: "My brother fell into a fish tank".
4.Here's an audio one, one of the rare occasions when you actually decided to phone in:
BOSS PLAYS AUDIO OF CLEMENT'S CALL. HE IS SINGING TO THE AIR OF A TYPICAL MUSICAL NUMBER...
CLEMENT(ON TAPE):
I won't be in, oh no I won't be in, he won't be in todayyyy! I won't be in today from the end to the beginning, no I won't be in today as I can't stop singingggg!! Singing, singing so I can't go in today, singing all around the town joyful and gay. Singing up, singing down, hop into every shop in town. Singing left, singing right, I've been singing all through the night. Singing, singing to every animal I see, a bird a bee, the wolves upon my knee.
BOSS:
It continues like that for another seventeen minutes. The next excuse; "I'm not going to make it in today as I kicked myself in the throat".
CLEMENT:
I had to, it was the only way I could stop myself singing.
BOSS:
Then it gets crazier if that's even possible. "I got into a fight with a shepherd" and my personal favourite; "my foal turned into a pantomime horse".
Clement, this is simply ridiculous. You can't just make up half-baked excuses for not coming to work. How do you ever expect me to believe you if you keep lying like this? Haven't you ever heard of 'the boy who cried wolf'?
CLEMENT:
'The boy who cried like a wolf', I love that guy. 'Ooooooowwww'. Brilliant!
BOSS:
I'm afraid I'm left with no option. I'm going to have to see a doctor's note or your job is in serious jeopardy.
CLEMENT:
I have one.
HE PRODUCES A SICK CERT.
CLEMENT:
It says I am suffering from a rare condition known as 'Oxwolds Pamu'. The symptoms are all listed here Mr. Colgumpin.
BOSS:
Does it say anything about being a compulsive liar?
CLEMENT:
Yes.
BOSS (READING NOTE):
Please excuse Clement Rattigan's last twenty odd bouts of sickness. He has been not at all a well chap. Clement is suffering from a rare strain of Oxwolds Pamu. A disease that is so rare that I have just made up a name for it.
The disease manifests itself in 723 ways. These I will now list; just jokin', but here are a few of them:
Bold Back: His back will start acting out and causing a bit of a ruckus.
Ear Melting: This is not what it sounds like; in cold and hot weather his ears are prone to melting.
Seed Dispersion: He will have strong and regular urges to disperse the seeds of the geranium around Christmas trees.
Disappearance: He will randomly disappear. This is most likely to happen in a work environment.
STOPS READING.
BOSS:
Come on Clement, do you honestly expect me to believe-
BOSS LOOKS UP AND CLEMENT HAS DISAPPEARED.
HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES CLEMENT RIDING A PANTOMIME HORSE OUT OF THE CARPARK.
END.
