Hello peeps,
Was it really January I wrote this? Oh my blimey.
Anyway, here it is, finished at last:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8b0jjsHhZE
I'll leave the script below in case anyone's interested in making comparisons. You won't be of course.
Special thanks to the BSGs own Shoepie for helping me bring this to life. May his name echo throughout the halls of Valhalla forevermore.
David
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The following is a first draft for an animation I'm looking to produce. Comments welcome.
INT. FACTORY – DAY
[A '50'S EDUCATIONAL FILM. BLACK AND WHITE, SCRATCHY PICTURE, CHIRPY SCORE]
NARRATOR:
(American Salesman) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Man.
A NAKED MALE FIGURE ROLLS OUT ON A CONVEYOR BELT.
NARRATOR:
God's design. Perfect in every way.
MAN SMILES.
NARRATOR:
Take a hike, Adam!
THE CONVEYOR BELT ROLLS MAN OFF SCREEN WITH A WHOOSH.
NARRATOR:
The human being has had his day.
MAN ARRIVES AT A SURGICAL PREP AREA.
NARRATOR:
It's time for a revolution… in evolution.
A BUZZING ARRAY OF MECHANIZED SURGICAL TOOLS ENTER THE FRAME. MAN'S EYES BULGE. WHIMPER.
NARRATOR:
Welcome to Man… Version 2.
A BUZZ SAW HACKS OFF ONE OF MAN'S ARMS.
NARRATOR:
Our top scientists tell us the basic human needs are shelter, food and drink. They don't mention anything about ambidexterity.
A ROBOT CLAW GOES TO DROP THE SEVERED LIMB IN A WASTEBASKET.
NARRATOR:
Unh uh uh, little fella. This is the future, and in the future we recycle!
THE CLAW STICKS THE AMPUTATED ARM TO MAN'S GROIN, SHOULDER PROTRUDING FROM HIS CROTCH.
NARRATOR:
Try it on for size, friend - how do you like it?
MAN'S NEW CROTCH-ARM MOVES UP AND DOWN IN A 'DRINKY DRINKY' MOTION.
NARRATOR:
Looks like you could use a tonic, buddy. Here, help yourself to an impairatif.
MAN IS HANDED A BOTTLE. HE STRUGGLES BUT CAN'T GET THE CAP OFF WITH HIS ONE ARM. SIGH.
NARRATOR:
Let me help you with that…
A ROBOT CLAW TEARS A STRIP OF FLESH FROM MAN'S TORSO, EXPOSING THE RIBCAGE. MAN YELLS IN AGONY.
NARRATOR:
Don't mention it, pal.
MAN OVERCOMES THE SHOCK. REALISING HIS EXPOSED RIBCAGE MAKES FOR A HANDY BOTTLE OPENER, HE POPS THE CAP ON HIS BEER. GOES TO DRINK…
NARRATOR:
Whoah there, chum! You call that a drinking hole?
A PAIR OF CLAWS WRENCH MAN'S HEAD OPEN FROM THE MOUTH, SNAPPING IT OPEN LIKE A RUSTY TRAP. MAN GURGLES IN ANGUISH.
NARRATOR:
There now, isn't that better?
A CLAW NUDGES MAN'S ARM AT THE ELBOW, FORCING THE DRINK DOWN HIS GULLET.
NARRATOR:
Sweet amber nectar!
MAN IS WOOZY. BEGINS TO STAGGER.
NARRATOR:
Looks like you could use a hand, Drunkenstein! Here, this one's on the house.
A CLAW TEARS OFF MAN'S REMAINING ARM AND STICKS IT TO HIS BUTT, PALM DOWN ON THE FLOOR. MAN IS STEADIED. HOWLING IN PAIN, HE STUMBLES BACK AND FORTH ON HIS NEW LIMB LIKE A WALKING TRIPOD.
NARRATOR:
Still smarting, buddy? Here…
A CLAW REACHES INSIDE THE TOP OF MAN'S SKULL AND PLUCKS OUT HIS BRAIN. A PROBE JABS AT THE GREY MATTER. MAN SIGHS IN RELIEF AS HIS PAIN RECEPTORS ARE SEVERED.
NARRATOR:
Now you're ready to hit the scene!
HOLD ON MAN'S HIDEOUS, DEFORMED BODY.
NARRATOR:
Man Version 2 was sponsored by Deja-Brew lager: "Drink up, bitches!"
FADE OUT.
