British Comedy Guide

My First Stand-Up Lines

Hello everybody!
Most comedians will start the show by saying Hows everybody doing! followed by asking everybody if their ready to laugh or something like that. I always think to myself the people that scream Yes! must be darn optimistic, not like me of course. I actually attempted to create comedy insurance, that way I could get get my money back after watching a show that felt more like a funeral.

I love twitter, I followed a girl once, it ended with me getting a restraining order.

They say a dog is a mans best friend, mine was more of a friend with benefits. Shame the Koreans stole it.

I needed therapy as a child, apparently I have a repressed memory. They say I murdered a therapist. I also tried to do a stand up show recently, but apparently you can only have two people on jail visitation days.

Im writing my own self-help book. I discovered how to get rich quick using only three items, a gun, a balaclava and a fast car.

When I was young, I was quite the history buff, me and my friends would do role play games, our favourite was FRENCH MILITARY. Well I think it was our favourite, I would ask them but obviously they all died. We actually had to hire a sweatshop to sow us enough white flags.

My favourite board game is monopoly, I actually hate playing it, but the money works great on the old people at supermarkets.

I hate long car journeys, I prefer my car to be stationary in a back alley.

A bunch of Somalians hijacked a cargo ship, I download a new album and I get done for piracy!

So... thank you for reading, I understand this was probably quite bad, but it is my first try.

thank you.

Im no expert but I like most of it. The self-help, military and monoply are funny. The doctor didnt work for me and there is a good joke in the twitter. Just needs rewording.

Keep it going, lots of potential.

Quote: leigh Stirrup @ February 5 2012, 10:15 PM GMT

Im no expert but I like most of it. The self-help, military and monoply are funny. The doctor didnt work for me and there is a good joke in the twitter. Just needs rewording.

Keep it going, lots of potential.

Yeah thanks, I think the doctor house one was more of a hit and miss joke, you probably need to like the show and stuff.... I will take that out. The twitter one, I will remove the wedding bit, trim it down, make it more of a one liner, plus I have some more material I put in to replace what I cut out, some short snappy jokes

Some good lines CpmedySpins but you need to put the punch of the jokes at the very end of the lines e.g.

"They say a dog is a mans best friend, mine was more of a friend with benefits. Shame the Koreans stole it."

In this line the last funny bit is "Koreans", insinuating that they took your dog for food, so it should be the last word,

"They say a dog is a mans best friend, mine was more of a friend with benefits. Shame it was stolen by Koreans".

Like wise;

"Im writing my own self-help book. I discovered how to get rich quick using only three items, a gun, a balaclava and a fast car."

In my opinion would be slightly better if "gun" is the last item with "fast car" as the first ("fast car" doesn't immediately suggest bank robbery, "balaclava" and "gun" do, so say them at the last possible moment in the joke". In fact perhaps try replacing "balaclava" with "tights" to keep the audience guessing until you get to "gun").

Quote: ComedySpins @ February 5 2012, 9:15 PM GMT

I love twitter, I followed a girl once, it ended with me getting a restraining order.

Was this joke ever new! You can use it I'd say only with reference to a topical story.

Quote: ComedySpins @ February 5 2012, 9:15 PM GMT

Hello everybody!
Most comedians will start the show by saying Hows everybody doing! followed by asking everybody if their ready to laugh or something like that. I always think to myself the people that scream Yes! must be darn optimistic, not like me of course. I actually attempted to create comedy insurance, that way I could get get my money back after watching a show that felt more like a funeral.

Too clunky and self referential.

But a very good idea.

Maybe something like

"I sell insurance for audiences of bad comedians. I'm my own best advertisment, or don't wait till I've finished my set.."

Quote: ComedySpins @ February 5 2012, 9:15 PM GMT

They say a dog is a mans best friend, mine was more of a friend with benefits. Shame the Koreans stole it.

This is 2 jokes jammed together so neither work.

Also is the joke you're f**king your dog? It's not entirely clear.

I'd neaten it out and make the joke more along the lines of acceptability.

"e.g. dogs are a mans best friend, but the police get involved when they become friends with benefits."

Just a few ideas. I'd say stick to one or two clear ideas in a joke and finish on a punchline.

Quote: ComedySpins @ February 5 2012, 9:15 PM GMT

Im writing my own self-help book. I discovered how to get rich quick using only three items, a gun, a balaclava and a fast car.

A bunch of Somalians hijacked a cargo ship, I download a new album and I get done for piracy!

Those were really the only ones I enjoyed, and enjoyed at a stretch really. Generally, I'd say you really need to tighten up the wording though.

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