The grumpy executioner and his cheerful aide 7

Thanks Shandonbelle hopeful final draft

THE GRUMPY EXECUTIONER (GE) AND HIS CHEERFUL AIDE (CA) STAND EITHER SIDE OF A MAN ON A GALLOWS, HOODED, NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK (M).

GE
I will now carry out the sentence, may God have mercy on.
BEAT
What's that cat doing here?

CA
What cat?

GE
That cat sitting on the condemned mans shoulder and scratching at the rope. Is this some sort of escape attempt?

PULL BACK TO REVEAL A LARGE MISCHEVIOUS LOOKING CAT HAS JUMPED UP ON M's SHOULDER AND IS PLAYFULLY BATTING THE NOOSE.

CA
Oh no it's bring your daughter to work day.

GE
So what? Oh look it's getting it's tail up under the poor sods hood.

THE CAT IS STANDING ON IT'S HIND LEGS AND HAS INDEED GOT IT'S TAIL UNDER M's HOOD.

CA
Well I can't have children. So Mrs Marmalade Paws is the closest thing I've got to a daughter. I brought her instead.

M
I don't mind I quite like cats. Here puss, puss, good cat.

GE
Shut up nobody asked you. What do you mean you can't have children?

CA
Well I'm a man, men can't have babies everyone knows that. That's why I got a cat instead.

GE
But men don't have babies, their wives or partners do, or they can adopt.

M
Then there's sperm donorship and surrogacy.

GE
Shut up!

M
What a grumpy fellow. Maybe he should get a cat? Mr Pussface calmed me down a treat.

CA
If only you'd got him before you killed all those people. See boss a cat could add years to your life.

GE
That's bloody well it. I have heard quite enough about cats!

GE PULLS THE LEAVER DROPPING M THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR TO HIS DEATH, THE CAT FALLS THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR WITH A TERRIBLE YOWL. FOLLOWED BY A THUD

CA
I'm calling the Cats Protection League! This execution was a catastrophy!

GE
I hate you so very much.

Like the sketch a lot but the end could be much better, maybe more parallels or a checklist they have to obey that turns out to be cat equivalent?
And if you're going to have catastrophe, don't forget catatonic and catalogue of errors and catalyst

Thanks, I may just shorten the ending.

Not so sure about the list. But I'll look at it again.

Quote: sootyj @ February 1 2012, 4:41 PM GMT

THE GRUMPY EXECUTIONER (GE) AND HIS CHEERFUL AIDE (CA) STAND EITHER SIDE OF A MAN ON A GALLOWS, HOODED, NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK (M).

GE
I will now carry out the sentence, may God have mercy on.
BEAT
What's that cat doing here?

CA
What cat?

GE
That cat sitting on the condemned mans shoulder and scratching at the rope. Is this some sort of escape attempt?

PULL BACK TO REVEAL A LARGE MISCHEVIOUS LOOKING CAT HAS JUMPED UP ON M's SHOULDER AND IS PLAYFULLY BATTING THE NOOSE.

CA
Oh no it's bring your daughter to work day.

GE
So what? Oh look it's getting it's tail up under the poor sods hood.

THE CAT IS STANDING ON IT'S HIND LEGS AND HAS INDEED GOT IT'S TAIL UNDER M's HOOD.

CA
Well I can't have children. So Mrs Marmalade Paws is the closest thing I've got to a daughter, so I thought I'd bring her instead.

M
I don't mind I quite like cats. Here puss, puss, good cat.

GE
Shut up nobody asked you. What do you mean you can't have children?

CA
Well I'm a man, men can't have babies everyone knows that. That's why I got a cat instead.

GE
But men don't have babies, their wives or partners do, or they could adopt.

M
Then there's sperm donorship and surrogacy.

GE
Shut up!

M
What a grumpy fellow. Maybe he should get a cat? Mr Pussface calmed me down a treat.

CA
If only you'd got him before you killed all those people. See boss a cat could add years to your life.

GE
That's bloody well it. I have heard quite enough about cats!

GE PULLS THE LEAVER DROPPING M THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR TO HIS DEATH, THE CAT FALLS THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR WITH A TERRIBLE YOWL. FOLLOWED BY A THUD.

CA
Poor Mrs Marmalade. This execution was a catastrophy!

GE
I hate you so very much.

View original

Sooty - to use 'catastophe' in any cat sketch is pure cowardice. Man up.

Second version is the stronger one....very good

Thanks I might just wipe the first one, those 2 are amongst my favourite creations. But I can't quite the rhythmn right.

Quote: sootyj @ February 1 2012, 4:41 PM GMT

CA
Well I can't have children. So Mrs Marmalade Paws is the closest thing I've got to a daughter, so I thought I'd bring her instead.

M
I don't mind I quite like cats. Here puss, puss, good cat.

GE
Shut up nobody asked you. What do you mean you can't have children?

CA
Well I'm a man, men can't have babies everyone knows that. That's why I got a cat instead.

GE
But men don't have babies, their wives or partners do, or they could adopt.

M
Then there's sperm donorship and surrogacy.

If I was being picky, I'd say lose these lines and fill in with something else, they don't fit unless you were going for a jump in time and place in the dialogue from olden times to modern?

M
What a grumpy fellow. Maybe he should get a cat? Mr Pussface calmed me down a treat.

CA
If only you'd got him before you killed all those people. See boss a cat could add years to your life.

Excellent

And to finish....
CA
I'm reporting you to the RSPCA and the Cats Protection League! This execution was a catastrophy!

GE
I hate you so very much.

View original

Very interesting modifications, I do like that mashed up punchline. Not sure what you meant by olden times to modern times?

They're in the gallows, so what about 200 years ago? but talking about 'partners' and 'surrogates', the jumping between eras could be done but would have to be repeated throughout the sketch to get the full effect.

Oh no it's deffo in the modern day, do I need a new line about hanging being reintroduced?

I imagined a medieval setting somehow....maybe a line 'GE and CA, operate a professional and reasonably priced hanging and gullotine service...block bookings taken'

Quote: sootyj @ February 1 2012, 4:41 PM GMT

DRAFT ONE

THE GRUMPY EXECUTIONER (GE) AND HIS CHEERFUL AIDE (CA) STAND EITHER SIDE OF A MAN ON A GALLOWS, HOODED, NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK (M).

GE
I will now carry out the sentence, may God have mercy on.
BEAT
What's that cat doing here?

CA
What cat?

GE
That cat sitting on the condemned mans shoulder and scratching at the rope. Is this some sort of escape attempt?

PULL BACK TO REVEAL A LARGE MISCHEVIOUS LOOKING CAT HAS JUMPED UP ON M's SHOULDER AND IS PLAYFULLY BATTING THE NOOSE.

CA
Oh no it's bring your daughter to work day.

GE
So what? Oh look it's getting it's tail up under the poor sods hood.

THE CAT IS STANDING ON IT'S HIND LEGS AND HAS INDEED GOT IT'S TAIL UNDER M's HOOD.

CA
Well I can't have children. So Mrs Marmalade Paws is the closest thing I've got to a daughter, so I thought I'd bring her instead.

M
I don't mind I quite like cats. Here puss, puss, good cat.

GE
Shut up nobody asked you. What do you mean you can't have children?

CA
Well I'm a man, men can't have babies everyone knows that. That's why I got a cat instead.

GE
But men don't have babies, their wives or partners do, or they could adopt.

M
Then there's sperm donorship and surrogacy.

GE
Shut up!

M
What a grumpy fellow. Maybe he should get a cat? Mr Pussface calmed me down a treat.

CA
If only you'd got him before you killed all those people. See boss a cat could add years to your life.

GE
That's bloody well it. I have heard quite enough about cats!

GE PULLS THE LEAVER DROPPING M THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR TO HIS DEATH, THE CAT FALLS THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR WITH A TERRIBLE YOWL. FOLLOWED BY A THUD.

CA
I'm reporting you.

GE
Who to Liberty? He's dead.

CA
No the RSPCA and the Cats Protection League! This execution was a catastrophy!

GE
I hate you so very much.

View original

Tightening it up has worked a treat.

Snicker snicker ooh er missus snicker

oh and thanks