When uploading this, my captcha was "Total Shambles" which is not a great omen. But here is my newest written ep for a web-series I'm hoping to get off the ground.
http://www.scribd.com/fullscreen/79555065?access_key=key-1r3i2uiqx3vstc0m3aac
Feedback appreciated (don't be afraid to call me out for bad writing, I'm especially thick-skinner for a Cancerian).
Nice avatar!
Thanks! I posted a script for critique too, but one out of two ain't bad, I suppose!
So... No one?
I'm going to hazard a guess from the constant pop culture references, meta stuff and one character suddenly seeing the others as toys, that you watch a lot of Community.
Quote: Vince Ives @ January 31 2012, 10:33 AM GMTI'm going to hazard a guess from the constant pop culture references, meta stuff and one character suddenly seeing the others as toys, that you watch a lot of Community.
Never heard of it (Yes)
I thought it was pretty good, there are definitely some funny\clever lines in there. I liked the boop bit, that seemed very Sheldon-eque. And the Per Se line was great, I can't believe it's not been done before.
None of the character's personalities jumped out at me but at a guess I'd say Ward (sensible one), Charlie (stupid dreamer) and Sam (smartass). Sorry for oversimplifying them but hopefully I'm close to how they're meant to come across.
The biggest thing I'd change is that mostly it's just them in a room chatting for 10 minutes and 10 minutes is a loooong time to listen to people banter. The enlightenment bit is good though and if that (them as children) idea was set-up earlier then I reckon it'd feel more story-ish.
Anyway, I've never written a web series so I will add my usual 'I don't know what the hell I'm talking about and good luck' disclaimer!
Quote: ShoePie @ February 1 2012, 3:24 PM GMTI thought it was pretty good, there are definitely some funny\clever lines in there. I liked the boop bit, that seemed very Sheldon-eque. And the Per Se line was great, I can't believe it's not been done before.
None of the character's personalities jumped out at me but at a guess I'd say Ward (sensible one), Charlie (stupid dreamer) and Sam (smartass). Sorry for oversimplifying them but hopefully I'm close to how they're meant to come across.
The biggest thing I'd change is that mostly it's just them in a room chatting for 10 minutes and 10 minutes is a loooong time to listen to people banter. The enlightenment bit is good though and if that (them as children) idea was set-up earlier then I reckon it'd feel more story-ish.
Anyway, I've never written a web series so I will add my usual 'I don't know what the hell I'm talking about and good luck' disclaimer!
Yeah it is all dialogue/little action (which is the kind of comedy I like) but the way I see it is 10 pages is about four minutes of footage. From my experience, comedy (esp. dialogue driven comedy) uses a different system than the standard 1pg = 1min that we all know.
Glad you thought it was kinda funny though. It's nice to have someone actually read it.
Quote: masterfox20 @ February 1 2012, 8:59 PM GMTGlad you thought it was kinda funny though. It's nice to have someone actually read it.
No worries, I'm surprised it hasn't had more comments as it's clearly had a decent amount of work gone into it.
I like dialogy type comedy too so this should appeal to me. Do you have any plans to self-produce it?
A read thru will sort it out but I'd still say it was closer to 10 than 4.
Quote: ShoePie @ February 2 2012, 2:38 PM GMTNo worries, I'm surprised it hasn't had more comments as it's clearly had a decent amount of work gone into it.
I like dialogy type comedy too so this should appeal to me. Do you have any plans to self-produce it?
A read thru will sort it out but I'd still say it was closer to 10 than 4.
Yeah I will self-produce. I had a read-through with some actors (friends) and it clocked in at about five minutes.
Obviously, writing more than you need can be sorted in post but not having less than you need.
It seems like a pretty decent script, yeah. I'd be interested in seeing it performed.
Very kind of you, Garry.