Skit Comp 22 - 29.1.12

Welcome back to the comp and congratulations to KASM for winning again. Get vole-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

3 - 10 - Kasm
1 - 5 - Shirl the Whirl, Michael Monkhouse, Shandonbelle

Your new subject: FRIENDSHIP.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 29.1.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 32 - Shirl the Whirl
2 - 31 - Kasm
3 - 26 - Otterfox
4 - 25 - Shandonbelle
5 - 11 - Michael Monkhouse
6 - 10 - Timbo
7 - 1 - Ishy

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

BEETLEDUM

TOM and DICK in the pub.

TOM 'Ere Dick, you ever seen a famous person?

DICK Yeah, loads.

TOM Where?

DICK On the telly.

TOM No you notorious nerd, in reality.

DICK What, like 'Big Brother'?

TOM No you frig-faced frigger, a real famous person, in real life.

DICK No, never... Except maybe that bloke, what's his name?... I guess he's pretty famous.

TOM Who?

DICK Dark-haired bloke - sang in that band, had a coupla hits ages ago, whasser name?

TOM Beatles.

DICK Yeah... I saw that Paul McCarthy. Funny really, I was in the stationer's buying a notebook for me old man...

TOM You speak to him?

DICK Since I was a kid.

TOM No you bullock-brained berk - Paul.

DICK Well I was buying me notebook and old Paul was giving autographs.

TOM You get one?

DICK Yeah nice shiny-covered one, full of lined pages, me dad loved it...

TOM No you terminal tit, an autograph.

DICK I couldn't, nothing for him to write on.

TOM What about the notebook?

DICK It was a present, couldn't spoil that, me dadda gone spare.

TOM Why didn't you buy another one?

DICK I spent all the money on the first one.

TOM Didn't you have anything else to write on?

DICK In a manner of speaking, no.

TOM Anything - an old receipt?

DICK Nope.

TOM A flyer?

DICK Nope.

TOM Back of an old cheque?

DICK (thinks) Nope...

TOM You had absolutely nothing on you?

DICK Nah... 'Cept that Beatles album I suppose. But I didn't wanna spoil that either.

TOM Why the f**king f**k not?

DICK It was another present for me old man. God 'e loved the Beatles...

TWO THIRTY-SOMETHING WOMEN ARE CHATTING OVER COFFEE IN A CAFE.

SONYA -
Oh God, why is my sister such a cow?

TRUDY -
Oh you know what they say. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

SONYA -
Well you're my friend, but I wouldn't have chosen you!

TRUDY -
Oh, thanks!

SONYA -
I don't mean it nasty. I just wouldn't have chosen you. I would have liked someone who was as pretty as me, so we could double date.

TRUDY -
Well I would have chosen someone who didn't like milk chocolate, so I could get a look in.

SONYA -
I don't pig all the chocolate! And I would have chosen someone who liked Take That, so we could go to concerts together.

TRUDY -
So is there anything about me that you would have chosen?

SONYA -
Well, you can be quite a laugh....but you've got a very annoying giggle. And you can be really picky sometimes - that's quite irritating.

TRUDY -
Oh well, at least I make you laugh. That's got to be worth something.

SONYA -
And you're a bit of a know-all.

TRUDY -
Shall we just leave it there?

SONYA -
Yeah, and you're a bit over-sensitive.

TRUDY -
I think I've just worked out why your sister is such a cow.

SONYA -
Why's that then?

TRUDY -
Because she takes after you. Completely and udderly!

SONYA -
Yeah, and you think you're funny!

EXT. PARK. LATE AFTERNOON

TWO MEN IN THEIR 50s ARE SITTING TOGETHER ON A BENCH GLOWERING ANGRILY AT EACH OTHER

STAN
You're disgusting!

BILL
Me? What about you?

STAN
You just brought me here so I could suck your cock, didn't you?

BILL
Pot calling the kettle black, arsehole!

STAN
No, no, no - I told you I wanted to have a nice little cuddle and to snuggle up with my BFF!

BILL
Ooh, where have I heard that one before?

STAN
You're SO untrusting!

BILL (throwing his head back and laughing hysterically)
Bloody priceless, you pervy paedo! Next you'll be telling me Britney has a tummy ache and that's why she sent her UNCLE to come and meet me.

STAN
Meet you? Meet YOU?? I came here to meet bloody Tiffany!

BILL (Fuming)
You... I thought you were my mate - ever since you befriended me on f**king Bebo!

STAN
Ha - you chat room tart! You were the one who suggested us 'girls' should move it on to facebook! And like a sap I followed you.

STAN GETS UP AND TURNS TO GO

STAN
Well, you can consider our friendship over, Tiffany98!

STAN STARTS STOMPING OFF

BILL (Calling after him and sounding more conciliatory)
Hey... how about I message you tomorrow... Britney97?

STAN STOPS, HALF TURNS AND GIVES A COQUETISH SMILE

STAN
Okay. But you'd better not be grooming anyone else!

THE TWO MEN GIVE A PERVY GRIN AND WALK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, THRUSTING THEIR HANDS INTO THEIR MAC POCKETS.

END

Vet:
What can I do for you sonny?

Charlie Brown:
I'm here to collect my Dog Snoopy sir.

Vet:
Oh you're Snoopies owner. Where are your parents?

Charlie Brown:
I do have some, you just don't see them very often, if at all

Vet:
Well that is unfortunate as I have some rather delicate news

Charlie Brown:
Did you manage to make my Dog better?

Vet:
Well yes! the surgery was fairly routine.... until your dog started making Pithy comments

Charlie:
I don't understand.

Vet:
Mr Brown you have what we vetenarians like to call a talking dog. And a Sarky one at that

Charlie:
Good ol Snoopy,

Vet:
I'm not sure your quite getting the severity of this, When Dogs talk it's normally just about sausages, they don't tend to impersonate World war fighter pilots

Charlie:
He's a special Dog sir

Vet:
I'm sorry but I had to alert the relevant Authorities

Charlie:
You told Lucy, now that's just mean

Vet:
No Mr Brown I had to alert the government, this is the most extraordinary thing I've ever seen in my whole career

Charlie:
I'm not sure I really understand sir, is it Ok to take my Dog home now?

Vet:
I'm sorry but he's been taken to a specialised compound for examination & experimentation.

Charlie:
And then when they've finished, I can see him again?

Vet:
Ah.. well, it's quite likely that he won't survive many of these procedures

Charlie:
Are you saying that my Dog is going to die sir?

Vet:
Look this is getting a bit heavy, you've got to see the big picture, the things we could learn from this large nosed schizophrenic canine of course could be invaluable.

Charlie Brown:
Invaluable to who exactly?

Vet;
Of course youll be upset when he dies but try to think of it as a positive

Charlie:
Good grief

Vet:
Yes! that's the sort of thing.

Michael Monkhouse. Loved that Dick didn't want Paul McCartney to spoil the Beatles album by signing it!

'Large nosed schizophrenic canine' gone and done it for me ... Steve this week.

I'd have to say Michael by a Snoopy's nose. Actually, it was closer than that.

Michael Monkhouse

That beatles skit is excellent