Hi all.
As I said in my previous post I have just finished my first sitcom after what seemed like an eternity of planning and rewrites.
I've taken some advice on board and won't post the whole thing on here but as only 1 other person has read my script I'd quite like to get some opinions on part of the first scene.
The sitcom is semi-autobiographical in that it is about a guy (Mark) who desperately wants to write a sitcom but cannot come up with a workable idea for love nor money, while his life plays out like something out of one.
All feedback welcome..
(please note that the copy/paste has altered the format)
WRITING WRONGS
"Son of a Preacher Man"
By Martin Fryer
FADE IN
Scene 1. Internal. Day. Tom & Abby's flat
We focus on a letter box as post is pushed through it and hits the welcome mat. The camera turns and we see we are in a hallway with a couple of doors off it. A young lady comes out of one of the doors as she puts a jacket on over a work uniform; she finishes a piece of toast as she does this.
This is Abby; she is in her mid 20s.
Abby:
See you tonight. Don't forget I'm going to try that new swimming pool out after work. So I might be a bit later than usual. Let me know before five if you want to come and I'll come pick you up from work.
MARK:
(OOS) OK.
ABBY:
I think you have to wear proper swimming trunks though. I'll find out and text you later. Let me know what you want for dinner as well. Love you.
MARK
(OOS) Will Do! Love you too. Have a good day.
She opens the front door to leave but pauses to pick up the post. She has a quick look through it then puts it on a small side unit which sits under a large mirror hanging on the wall.
ABBY:
Oh, will you have a look at my phone tonight please? I'm still having problems with that voice texting thing. I tried to send my dad a message last night saying 'if I bring my bike round could you repair the puncture'?
MARK:
(OOS) What did it send as?
ABBY:
If I bring a dyke round are you prepared to punch her?
MARK:
(Laughing) What did he say?
ABBY:
He said yes! I'll see you later alright?
MARK:
See you tonight. Love you.
As Abby leaves we see Mark enter the hallway, he is also in his 20s. He is wearing a shirt and a tie with smart work trousers but still manages to look slightly scruffy. He peers through the frosted glass door .As soon as the car pulls away he takes off his tie and takes his phone out of his pocket.
He dials with one hand and squeezes his neck with the other.
MARK:
(Practicing different sick voices that gradually get slower and quieter until he sounds as if he is on his death bed)
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
MARK:
(Into phone)
(Sick voice) Oh hello, it's Mark. I won't be in. Mark! Mark Chambers.
(His sick voice slips) Jesus, I've been there 5 years. Yes, that's me. (His sick voice returns) I won't be in today because I've got a neck Err flu of the neck (He reacts to his own stupidity) Flu of the neck. Yeah, it's like a sore throat but much worse. OK.OK will do. Yeah thanks. Bye.
(Hangs up)
As Mark places the phone back into his trouser pocket and picks up the post. He sorts through it until he comes to something addressed to him. He places the other items back on the unit and opens his letter. He reads aloud as he enters the living room.
MARK:
Dear Mr Chambers, we wrote to you recently regarding an outstanding twelve pounds on your blockbuster account and we still haven't received a response. Please call....
He screws it up and throws it into the bin.
MARK:
A big company like that and they're chasing me for twelve quid. No wonder they're going under.
He switches the TV and XBOX on.
The door bell goes. Mark tries to see who it is from the living room window but can't do so without moving the curtains and net which he is visibly reluctant to do. He switches off the TV and XBOX and goes to the door.
It's his brother, Tom. He is in his late teens, tanned and dressed like a member of a JLS. As Mark opens the door Tom is just finishing a phone call.
TOM:
(Into phone)
So I had no choice but to crap in the sink......Yeah, see you tonight. Laters.
(Hangs up)
MARK:
What are you doing here? I'm meant to be at work today.
TOM:
But you're not at work.
MARK:
You didn't know that though.
Tom enters the house and they walk towards the living room.
TOM:
The last time you did a full week it was under a Labour Government.
MARK:
That's one of dad's old jokes. He said it about Uncle Barry. Of course it didn't really work at the time as The Labour Party was still in Power. I phoned in sick but got my words in a mess and ended up telling them that I had flu of the neck.
Tom isn't interested; he is flexing his muscles in the hallway mirror while turning his head to check his hair.
MARK:
Actually that would make a good scene in the sitcom I'm writing.
Tom leaves the mirror and they enter the living room.
TOM:
You aren't writing a sitcom are you?
MARK:
Yes.
Tom sits on the Sofa. Mark puts the TV and XBOX back on. He passes Tom a control pad and sits next to him. He takes his phone from his pocket and places it on a coffee table to the side of Tom.
TOM:
What's it called?
MARK:
I've not got that far yet.
TOM:
What's it about?
MARK:
I've not got that far either.
TOM:
Those writers strikes they had in America don't apply to you, you know.
MARK
I'm brainstorming ideas at the moment.
TOM:
You've been doing that for 15 years.
MARK:
Well it's a slow process. I've given up trying to write a 80s style show, I'm focusing more on modern comedy, they say write about what you know.
TOM:
So you're going to write about an overweight, lazy office worker with no prospects who's been trying to write a sitcom for the last 15 years?
MARK
. That's the thing, what I know doesn't make the basis of a good sitcom. John Sullivan lived in the era of the Cockney wide boy and out of that came Delboy and Only Fools and Horses. David Croft was in the army during World War two and he went on to co-write Dads Army. These people have lived the stories they're telling.
TOM:
Yeah, I see what you mean. I reckon Ricky Gervais worked in an office before he wrote thingy.
MARK:
(Sarcastic) Extras?
TOM
The Office!
MARK:
Yeah of course he did.
TOM:
What's his mate called?
MARK:
Stephen Merchant. That's exactly what I need.
TOM:
a tall mate?
MARK:
No, I need to write about something that I know about, something that I've experienced. For example I worked in a call centre for 5 years but nothing funny happened.
TOM:
What do you mean nothing funny happened? I pissed myself laughing when you got sacked.
MARK:
I prefer the term 'invited to leave'
TOM:
Sacked!
MARK:
I worked at a petrol station for a couple of years. I can't think of any previous sitcoms set in a petrol station and it was quite a laugh there actually.
TOM:
I don't remember you laughing much when they caught you nicking from the Jet Wash machines
.
MARK:
Yes, OK.
TOM:
In fact you cried.
MARK.
I learnt from my mistakes though, didn't I?
TOM:
The only thing you learnt was that your tracksuit pockets couldn't hold sixty quid in pound coins. I wish I'd been there when they fell down in front of you manager, you must have looked like a sweaty, human fruit machine as all that money fell out. (Tom laughs)
MARK:
I didn't sweat in them days. I was as fit as butcher dog. Flat stomach! The works!
TOM:
And look at you now. You smell like a butcher's dog and only things that's flat is your sex drive.
MARK:
There's nothing wrong with my sex drive, I'm like a young Ben Dover when I get going.
TOM:
More like Ben-der
MARK:
(Sarcastic) That's Genius, and they say I'm the funny one.
Tom pauses the game they are playing, puts down the controller and turns to face Mark.
TOM.
You could write about me.
MARK
(Puzzled) Write what about you?
TOM:
You could base the main character in your sitcom on me. You can write about how I'm really popular with girls and got a nice car and that.
MARK:
That's a good idea with only two problems as far as I can see.
TOM:
Which are?
MARK:
It's neither true nor funny.
TOM:
Well you have to write me into funny situations. Like one day I could be at a hotel knocking off a couple of sisters when I accidentally insult some German tourists.
MARK:
So, a seedier version of Fawlty Towers, then?
TOM:
Yeah. Seedy comedy was all the rage in the late 70s. You could start a rena... renais (fails to pronounce 'renaissance') ...You could bring it back with me in the lead role.
MARK:
Confessions of a window licker! I need something fresh and original so that it gets noticed.
TOM:
(Dejected) Think of something yourself then.
Tom picks up his controller and they restart the game.
