Sitcom

A couple of scenes from my sitcom - it's set in a holiday camp but ISN'T HI-DE-HI!

ext. holiday camp/entrance - day

BRAD (Late 20's, gay, confident and very camp) wearing a pink blazer and white trousers is in a rush. A mini bus pulls up outside the gates.

DRIVER
(TO BRAD)
Excuse me, any idea where I should drop this lot off?

BRAD looks into the mini bus, it's a group of pensioners.

BRAD
The undertakers?

BRAD still in a rush, walks through the main gate.

DRIVER
(SHOUTS)
Smart arse!

Int. holiday camp/security gatehouse- day

An empty bottle of whiskey sits on the table. DAVE (50's, A balding shabby looking man) wearing a security uniform is asleep on the sofa. DOUGIE (30's) is sleeping on the floor at the side of the sofa.

Alarm clock rings..."7:30am"

DAVE
(GROANS)
Dougie.

No response.

DAVE
Dougie Wake up you lazy sod.

Dougie,half asleep mumbles. Dave hits Dougie over the head with a pillow.

DOUGIE
What's that for?

DAVE
Turn that bloody alarm off.

DOUGIE
(SLEEPY)
Why don't you do it?

DAVE
Because I can't reach it.

DOUGIE
Can't be arsed more like.

Beat.

DAVE
Dougie, turn it off it's giving me headache.

DOUGIE
You're giving me headache.

DAVE
I'll give you the back of my hand in a minute lad.

Beat.

DAVE
Are you going to turn it off or what?

DOUGIE
For god's sake!

Dougie reaches over and turns the alarm off.

DAVE
That wasn't too hard was it?

DOUGIE
Happy now?

DAVE
(DEADPAN)
Delirious.

Dougie ties to go back to sleep.

Beat.

DAVE
Have you seen my teeth?

DOUGIE
Have you checked your mouth?

DAVE
Don't be facetious lad, they're down there near you somewhere, have a look.

Dougie turns to see a set of false teeth on the floor smiling back at him.

DOUGIE
(DISGUSTED)
Oh god!

DAVE
Have you found 'em? Pass em' up.

DOUGIE
No way, I'm not touching them.

DAVE
It's alright, they don't bite.

Dougie picks up the teeth and throws them up to Dave.

DOUGIE
(WIPING HIS HANDS)
Dirty bastard!

Int. holiday camp/toilet block - day

LISA (20's, ditzy, "Big Boned", with an ample amount of lipstick smeared around her mouth)listening to her ipod, is mopping the floor, dancing and singing along to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.

LISA
(USING THE MOP AS A MICROPHONE)
"If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it..."

Lisa turns and looks in the mirror, still singing she starts to shake her bum.

LISA(cont'd)
"If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it, wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh..."

NIGEL (40's, arms folded Strict looking) Enters the toilets. He stands behind Lisa, seeing him she pans her head up the mirror to look at him. She pulls her earphones out and turns to face him.

NIGEL
Who do you think you are Lady Gaga?

LISA
(DUMB)
It's Beyonce.

Beat.

NIGEL
(DEADPAN)
I don't give a shite who it is, switch it off.

Lisa looks at Nigel like a sad puppy and turns off the music.

NIGEL
Speaking of shite, there's been a report of a floater blocking the toilet in one of the cubicle's, and it's got your name all over it.

LISA
(DEFENSIVE)
I haven't done it.

NIGEL
(RAISES HIS EYEBROWS)
I never said you have, just find it and get rid of it.

Nigel shakes his head at Lisa.

Ext. holiday camp/gatehouse - day

Dave is stood outside the gatehouse smoking a cigarette. Dougie, wearing a dirty vest and jogging bottoms comes out of the gatehouse with two cups of tea.

DOUGIE
(GIVING DAVE HIS TEA)
Tea up.

DAVE
Good lad.

A family of "tracksuits" who wouldn't look out of place on The Jeremy Kyle Show walk through the gates.

DOUGIE
(TO THE FAMILY)
Morning.

DAVE
(TO THE FAMILY)
How Do!

The family acknowledge Dave and Dougie and walk through the gates and into the camp.

DOUGIE
(TO DAVE
Look at the state of that lot!

Dave takes a slurp of his tea and watches the family.

DAVE
(TO DOUGIE, DEADPAN)
Scruffy bastards!

DOUGIE
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Filthy!

Int. holiday camp/reception - day

A group of pensioners (from the mini bus) gather in reception. An elderly couple approach the desk.

At the desk is receptionist STACEY (20's, blonde hair with pink streaks) head buried in a gossip magazine

ELDERLY MAN
(SEEKING ATTENTION)
A-hem.

Stacey pulls down the magazine to see two geriatrics staring at her impatiently.

ELDERLY MAN
We have...

Stacey holds her finger up "one second" and finishes reading her magazine. The elderly couple look at each other in amazement.

Beat.

Stacey puts down her magazine.

STACEY
Good morning, welcome to Sandy Balls Holiday Park, how may I help you today?

ELDERLY MAN
My wife and I have a booking here for the weekend.

STACEY
(TYPING ON THE COMPUTER)
Can I take your name please?

ELDERLY MAN
It's Sutcliffe.

STACEY
Oh like the ripper?

ELDERLY MAN
I beg your pardon?

STACEY
The Yorkshire ripper, you know...

Stacey mimes hitting someone with a hammer three times then "curdling" she mimes strangulation.

The elderly couple jump back as Stacey's hands lunge forward.

INT. HOLIDAY CAMP/TOILET BLOCK - DAY

Lisa and Brad are looking into a toilet pan.

BRAD
(QUEASY)
It looks like a pound of parkin.

LISA
I don't know how we're going to get rid of this.

BRAD
Sorry, we?

LISA
Oh Brad please.

Brad points to "The Sandy Balls" emblem on his blazer.

BRAD
I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not a cleaner, I am an entertainer, RADA trained I'll have you know...

Brad holds his hands out.

BRAD(cont'd)
Look at my hands, what do you see?

LISA
(CONFUSED)
Nothing.

BRAD
Exactly, these hands are immaculate, these hands are all about the jazz, they wave, they sparkle, they dazzle, they DO NOT fish giant turds out of public toilets, comprende?

Hi Mr BT
IMO - the formatting is terrible. Although formatting is not paramount, when it's so 'all over the place' it's distracting - the reader is trying to decipher the dialogue from the direction/character names.
Having said that, I think your dialogue is snappy - the gags are good, and overall the premise is excellect, so well done.

Thanks for the comments sorry about the format I've written it on celtx and it's all ok but when I copied and paste it to here it all went a bit crazy :/

I think your formatting's fine. Brief descriptive lines, clearly spaced character dialogue, nothing running into each other. It's readable put it that way.

As to content, I think it's rather good. A nice running intro with your opening scenes, good dialogue, and characters that for all their brief introduction coming across with their own unique quirks/personality. Oh, and not forgetting, the comedy being pretty good as well.

Quote: the sea squirrel @ January 26 2012, 10:17 PM GMT

I think your formatting's fine. Brief descriptive lines, clearly spaced character dialogue, nothing running into each other. It's readable put it that way.

As to content, I think it's rather good. A nice running intro with your opening scenes, good dialogue, and characters that for all their brief introduction coming across with their own unique quirks/personality. Oh, and not forgetting, the comedy being pretty good as well.

View original

Hi Mr BT - I see you've cleaned it up - much better!
Also meant to say earlier, good visuals too. Good stuff.

Thanks for the comments I did manage to clean up the formatting on here yes lol.

I hope for the script to stay at a certain pace and make the scenes sharp and witty with an on going storyline throughout the 6 eps I'm hoping to write.

It's always hard to judge the merits of a sitcom script given such a small excerpt. My advice would be to find a local writers group and share your effort with like-minded folk, perhaps in an environment that involved a table read so you could get a better idea of how the dialogue sounded out loud. Best of luck with it.

I think the dialogue is really great. Very quick, natural interractions that give an immediate sense of character and relationships. Its gritty and consistently amusing.
The directions give great visuals which, I'm advised, make for good television.
I would like to read what happens next.

Some good jokes, I especially like like the bit with the teeth and the line about the minibus. But all your characters seem to be trying to be funny all the time, I dunno maybe makes it feel a bit busy. By end of scene one I'm not sure what the plot is?
But over all good stuff.