The Comedy Store, I'm guessing?
My first attempt at Stand-up. Page 2
Comedians have used that joke before. Its from the big book of universal jokes we use but personalising and styling it to make it more unique is fine. No-one can really claim a joke like that to be their own.
Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 16, 2008, 1:29 PMWe didn't have any gays in our village. If you tried to be gay, people would say you were “confused.”
Confused.
Now I don't know about you, but if there's one thing that's going to focus my mind more intently than anything else on this planet. It's having a cock up my bum.
You can't be gay if you're confused. Imagine taking it up the arse and thinking “God, I’d murder a fanny right now.”Zoos, one thing I’ve always wanted to do in summer, when it’s it’s busiest, is to run around screaming, “THEY’VE ESCAPED! THEY’VE ESCAPED!”just to see people’s reactions.
I've edited what I think are the best bits. Try them like that. If you want.
You can tell I've got loads of work I should be doing...
Quote: Leevil @ January 16, 2008, 2:55 PMIt's good for a first attempt. And to add to the heard before bits - the gay sex bit i'm sure I've seen on the comedy store or something?
Steve Hughes and JIm Jeffries do something similar, but not the same.
Quote: Stuart Laws @ January 16, 2008, 1:41 PMThe middle two pieces have the strongest promise but I think would benefit from dragging out to more extremes. I like the idea of claiming your own farts makes you a racist but can it be taken further to an absolutely ridiculous level where you are just enraged at the prospect of someone claiming their own farts and then setting out on a rampage of illegal or distasteful activity.
Same with the homosexual idea - if you really sell the incredulity and rage then it could work, especially if juxtapoed with something really light-hearted and whimsical like the lion and tiger.
Best bet is to just get a gig and try it
Don't listen to Stuart, this is a guy who likes to ask people what sort of animal they are and what it says about them. (funny though).
And yeah it was ok, I didn't love it but nothing bad about it, I live near Derbyshire and it's all most likely true but beware, gay jokes are done a bit too much on the circuit I find, so you have to be original.
I feel the end was the strongest, As Stu mentioned it could be taken a bit further and you can "milk" the situation for more jokes. As you appear to be more a storyteller, you can thread them all together, coming back to jokes you said earlier making the routine a lot more entertaining.
And yes, do a gig, do one now!!!
Right Watson, that's it! Publicising my jokery with disdain. It's enough to make me want to cruelly heckle you on occasion. If I can be bothered to travel north again.
Quote: Stuart Laws @ January 16, 2008, 4:24 PMRight Watson, that's it! Publicising my jokery with disdain. It's enough to make me want to cruelly heckle you on occasion. If I can be bothered to travel north again.
I said Badger and you ignored me.
Why Stuart!! Why!!!
Because I couldn't think of anything funny for badger. It's my weakness. 
From Tigers I had something in my head about Tigger and Winnie the Pooh (who is essential a f**king Bear) rebelling and ripping Christopher Robbin and those poncey Kangaroos to bits. But it never flourished.
And from this I'm thinking maybe A.A. Milne was a part-time Bear Baiter.
Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 16, 2008, 1:29 PM“God, I’d murder a fanny right now.”
I found it all pretty darn amusing, actually.
Quote: jdubya @ January 16, 2008, 2:47 PMpractice it out loud.
I'm trying it to my Labrador now and dying on my arse. Tough audience.
Just watched that Seinfeld thing, I think his punchline was my build up. My punchline was that Camilla killed Diana. Do we all think it's too similar?
I mean I did a bit of a search and found this from the film Conspiracy Theory.
Jerry: "[L]one gunmen assassins, they always have three names. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman..."
Alice: "John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names."
Jerry: "Yeah, but he only just shot Reagan. Reagan didn't die. If Reagan had died, I'm pretty sure we probably would all know what John Hinckley's middle name was."
Quote: Stuart Laws @ January 16, 2008, 4:37 PMBecause I couldn't think of anything funny for badger. It's my weakness.
Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 16, 2008, 1:29 PM“God, I’d murder a fanny right now.”
Fred West did this joke. >_<
I'm kidding. I thought it was decent material but it is hard to judge stand-up when it's written down. Really hard.
When the Slaggs perform it's the bits that I think are dire and are so embarrasingly bad, I'd burn the paper it was written on, that always do the best, by a long margin. They stay in the set because it works.
Liked it in general. You could do a twist on the Jill Dando bit by ending up that Barry George didn't kill her (subject to appeal, etc). Maybe hang it on Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen
Ooooh, now you mention it, Bowen does definately have an aura of evil about him.
I still think this is my best stand-up work. https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/4397/2#80434
Updated it, taking Stuart's advice and I think I'm going to try it out at the Comedy Store in Manchester, once I've got it to something I'm happy with.