Quote: SlagA @ January 16, 2008, 3:20 PMA global mod BUMPING???
Lol, thanks A, points absorbed and left to simmer on low heat for 20 mins... sorry I'm cooking...
Sitcom (Sitting-Down Comedy) Page 3
I seriously thought it excellent, just the plot is the missing detail. And you have a good ear for real dialogue.
*Takes of jacket and picks up baseball bat*
Bumping!!!!
Get out of my forum!!!
Is that ok Slag?
I read it, I thought it was ok, the dialogue wasn't clunky, it flowed well, and I laughed a few times.
JAMES
(As Blood)
I’ve told you Kate, no one f**ks my Pussy but me.
(As General Bastard in an evil voice)
Blood, prepare to hemorrhage.
That made me 
It does need more work putting into it, but it has a lot of potential, a bit more definition in the characters and couple of extra gags, you have a good script on your hands.
Quote: SlagA @ January 16, 2008, 3:28 PMI seriously thought it excellent, just the plot is the missing detail. And you have a good ear for real dialogue.
Thank you. The idea for this originally was just to practice with dialogue and have no interruptions from actions, but I got carried away and went off track.
I'd be interested in using these characters though and writing an episode with plot and more character definition.
Points made, much appreciated.
Paul, the original thread died out in May last year, that sort of bump gets San Franciscans running out into the streets, screaming in terror.
Balls of steel, he's got. Balls of steel, I tells ya.
Quote: Paul W @ January 16, 2008, 3:32 PM*
That made me
That makes me smile too, I'm strangely proud of that.
*Puts baseball bat down?*
PS - Loving the evil monkey avatar.
That was a great line, Leevil. I liked that one too.
I've been a bit bored today, so I decided to start writing the Blood & Pussy script. Expect to see it on here soon.
Quote: Leevil @ January 16, 2008, 3:41 PMI've been a bit bored today, so I decided to start writing the Blood & Pussy script. Expect to see it on here soon.
I don't want blood and pussy everywhere.
Great dialogue Leevil!
Cheers Charley.
Paul, just PIN it for him.
Leevil.
I thought it was better than James Williams' comedy . . .
Seriously though, it was a bit dirty at first which I never like. Because I'm middle-class.
I also think it lacked jokes - but there was some good ones, and some nice set piece ideas - the big DVD store, the pizza cold calling thing etc. Inventive, and left-field in a standard sitcom setup.
You've also got a likeable writing style. Not clunky or, to be honest, embarrassing like a lot I've read on here.
The pair were likeable, and it was a stable - again, albeit obvious - dynamic. But they'd no doubt become more 3D after a bit more work with them.
It was pacey, which I always like, it just needed more gags - which is a LOT easier once you've got the basics on the page, as you've done.
I think you should ditch some of the swearing/grossness because ignoring that it had a light, US feel - the feel that British mainstream shows really need I think.
I have to admit I watched a video of yours a while back and thought 'I don't like this', but you've redeemed it here.