Skit Comp 6-12.1.12

Welcome back to this year's first comp and congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning again. Get vole-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

3 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Shirl the Whirl, Michael Monkhouse
Speckled mention: Shandonbelle

Your new subject: NEW YEAR.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 12.1.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 27 - Shirl the Whirl
2 - 26 - Otterfox
3 - 21 - Kasm
4 - 20 - Shandonbelle
5 - 10 - Timbo
6 - 6 - Michael Monkhouse
7 - 1 - Ishy

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

AND THEN THERE WAS RON

OFFICE.
RONNIE CORBETT talks to OFFICIAL:

OFFICIAL So Mr Corbett, it's time for the New Year's Honours, and you're on the short list.

RONNIE Ha ha, very good!

OFFICIAL What? Oh shut up. Now you must be very excited, after all you're usually referred to as a short-arsed little tit...

RONNIE Well, er...

OFFICIAL Now this is a very prestigious award, given only to one of outstanding achievement - one who's risked life in battle, discovered a revolutionary new medicine, contributed an everlasting work of art to our national heritage... Your credentials being?

RONNIE 'Sorry'.

OFFICIAL I said, THIS IS A VERY PRESTIGIOUS...

RONNIE No, I was a sitcom, 'Sorry'.

OFFICIAL Ah yes, the one with the older fellow still living with his mother and oft ensnared in disagreements with his neighbour, with hilarious consequences?

RONNIE (titters fondly) Yes...

OFFICIAL F**king hated it. Anything else?

RONNIE 'The Two Ronnies'.

OFFICIAL Where you played second fiddle to the bloke off 'Porridge', got a standing ovation...

RONNIE (giggles)

OFFICIAL ...Every time you said 'willie' or 'tittie', and thought stand-up comedy was something you did sitting down?

RONNIE Er, yes...

OFFICIAL Anything further?

RONNIE I play golf.

OFFICIAL So does Tiger Woods, he's about as heroic as Bagpuss... So to sum up Mr Corbett, you deserve this recognition for a sitcom that went out-of-date the day before it started, a comedy series that makes Benny Hill look like Bill Hicks, and a sport every f**king showbiz never-really-has-been indulges in at the licence-fee-payer's expense.

RONNIE That's right.

OFFICIAL I think you can f**k off out of it then can't you.

RONNIE All right... (starts to leave) But I'll tell David Cameron.

OFFICIAL Here's your award... Oh and Mr Corbett?

RONNIE Yes?

OFFICIAL 'Sorry'!

They laugh as he leaves.

OFFICIAL Oh f**k, what've I done?

EXT. DAY. STREET.
A QUEUE OF WOMEN ARE LINED UP OUTSIDE A FANCY BOUTIQUE CLOTHES SHOP FOR THE JANUARY SALES. TWO GIRLS IN THEIR LATE 20'S ARE CHATTING.

SAMANTHA:
Wow they have really pulled out all the stops this year, a red carpet and everything. I feel like... I dunno Dame Judi Dench.

ALLISON:
Judi Dench!? She's about 80! Why did'nt you mention someone younger like say Kelly Brook or Angelina Jolie?

SAMANTHA:
Are you saying that theres something wrong with who I feel like?

THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY A SMALL CAMP LOOKING MAN IN A TUX(CLIFFORD)WHO SEEMS TO BE ANALYSING THE QUEUE AS HE WALKS DOWN THE LINE OF WOMEN.

CLIFFORD:
Hmmm...yesthat's alright...lovely....nice posture there. You madam could you please face directly forward...nice...nice....you're tilting sweety, could I ask you to stand more proud shall we say.

Okay ladies we have a bit of a situation, the queue is meandering. Could you put in a super effort and straighten. The way its positioned at the moment we are only poised to move about quite fast and not very, very, very fast. I know it doesn't matter much to you lovvies but its my neck on the line.

Dear oh dear we don't have a hope if you're going to be turned backwards!

HE PLACES HIS HAND UNDER ONE OF THE GIRLS CHINS AND TILTS IT UP SLIGHTLY.

CLIFFORD:
Just a little bit.

HE SPRINTS TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE.

CLIFFORD:
No scratching, no scratching!

THE DOORS OF THE SHOP OPENS.

CLIFFORD:
And in you go.

SAMANTHA ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE STORE MANAGER.

SAMANTHA:
Can I just say that it was very classy having the queue coordinator out there to keep us in check. At times it looked liked it was going to collapse. I don't know if I would have even got in here only for him.

STORE MANAGER:
The who?

SAMANTHA:
The queue coordinator. He's just outside the doo-

THEY BOTH LOOK OUT BUT THE MAN HAS DISAPPEARED.

STORE MANAGER:
Oh my! There used to be a queue coordinator here many years ago but he perished in the great stampede of '54.

SAMANTHA:
Oh my God! You don't think...

CLIFFORD(APPEARING FROM NOWHERE):
I suppose its possible I mean who knows what to actually believe anymore.

STORE MANAGER:
Clifford, get back to work!

END.

Givin' you punters till Tuesday 17th, c'mon!

TWO 14 YEAR OLD BOYS ARE CHATTING IN THE PARK ON NEW YEAR'S DAY.

JAMIE -
Happy New Year mate.

DARREN -
Happy New Year. Did you see the New Year in?

JAMIE -
Oh God, yeah, we didn't go to bed til 10 past 12.

DARREN -
Whoa, how wild are you? Did you have wine gums as well?

JAMIE -
Oh you think you're so big. What did you do that was so amazing?

DARREN -
I was on vodka shots and jager bombs. It was wicked - we could hardly stand up. Saw in the New Year, went on to a party, we were drinking cocktails - God, it was mental, then I had a threesome with Katie Stoyles and Chantelle Jennings.

JAMIE -
You might have been pissed out of your tiny skull, but you never had a threesome.

DARREN -
Did too!

JAMIE -
A onesome! You and your right hand. Katie Stoyles was with me.

DARREN -
What? You?

JAMIE -
Yes, me!

DARREN -
But she's really fit!

JAMIE -
I know. I also happen to know that Chantelle Jennings is in bed with glandular fever.

DARREN -
Well, I was pretty out of it. It must of been two birds that looked like them.

JAMIE -
Grow up Darren. Just you and your hand! What did you really do?

DARREN -
Sat up with my Nan and watched the fireworks on the telly. Are you really with Katie Stoyles?

JAMIE -
She was round my house, because her Mum and Dad are friends with my Mum and Dad. She kissed my big brother at 12 o'clock.

DARREN -
Huh? Women! Want a wine gum?

INT. PUB. DAY.

Dave and Steve are having a lunchtime pint when Dave looks up from his paper and nudges Steve who is watching sport on the TV.

DAVE
Wahaay! I'm out tonight, sunshine!

STEVE
Eh, why's that then?

DAVE
Just read me horoscope - looks like there's someone a bit fiery, a little flighty but definitely hot coming my way this year. Don't want to miss her by staying in, do I?

STEVE
Hmph. Wouldn't if I were you, mate.

DAVE
Oh yeah? Jealous are ya? Worried I'll be getting it on with some hot stuff while you're stuck in indoors watching the telly?

STEVE
No - this year's the Chinese year of the dragon.

DAVE (Rereads the horoscope to himself)
Bastards! Almost fell for that one.

END

INT - FURNITURE STORE

An elderly man walks slowly but purposefully towards the sales desk.

MAN
I've come for the Penny Suite. (Takes a penny from his coat pocket and holds it out)

SALESMAN
The Penny Suite has gone Sir. That was a one off New Year promotion.

MAN
A one off? What kind of outfit are you running here?? It was in the window for weeks.

SALESMAN
We have a splendid offer on our Rickman range, two two seaters, a threeseater and nothing to pay for 4 years...and we'll throw in a pouffe.

MAN
Two two, what?? And a pouffe? Bloody sauce.

(He wanders off to the showroom area)
How much is that? (Points to a crystal candle holder on the table of a living room mock-up display)

SALESMAN
That's not for sale, can I show you our.....

MAN
What about that? How much is it? (Picks up a napkin holder from the same table)

SALESMAN
Eh, it's not for sale, we only sell the suites, let me show you...

THE MAN RUSHES OFF, CIRCLYING THE STORE, PICKING UP SUNDRY ITEMS FROM THE DISPLAYS WITH THE EAGER SALESMAN FOLLOWING BEHIND.
HE PAYS NO ATTENTION TO ANY OF THE SUITES.

MAN
I wouldn't mind one of these either (picks up a silver tea tray)

SALEMAN
I think I need to explain to you....

MAN
There it is!! (He darts over to a spot near the window and picks up a poster that lies discarded on the ground)
The Penny Suite!

SALESMAN
Sir, that's just the window poster, we....

MAN REACHES IN HIS POCKET AND TAKES OUT THE PENNY.

SALESMAN
It's not for sa... (Stops) Em...that'll be a penny Sir.

MAN
I'll take it.

Go on then, I'll start - Michael for me

I'll vote for Shirl the Whirl.

Kasm - sharp and funny.

Kasm for me this week.

Votin' Kasm!
A small question: Are you finding a week okay? This is a bit like sex, nothing then it all comes at once. I reply sooner 'cos I know the topic sooner, but if you like we can do ten days instead of a week.
Cheers

Shandonbelle for me this week. I think generally a week is plenty of time but people could be busy with the sitcommission at the mo and are struggling to find the time to write something for both comps.

A weeks plenty I think too.