Out of Control - continued. Feedback please! Page 3

Todd, I have had a read through, though I'm no expert, going on what I've read, I would ask where you see this script...is it sitcom? drama? soap? It isn't clear to me as the style is loose, I would say it seems to be veering towards lighthearted soap....but if you're posting it on a comedy forum I presume your intention is to write comedy? It's not my cup of tea, I don't identify with any of it as the style is very superficial and so far it lacks depth and vitally...humour. The dialogue is punchy enough and I think you have something there, but there the 'core' is missing, where's the tension? the set up situations followed by an outcome...I guess I'm looking for a story of some sort, like Marc said, a beginning, a middle and an end...without that it's just a load of friends having a game of ping pong.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I'm glad that you found the dialogue punchy - that seems to be one of my stregths - but it also leads to me falling back on banter sometimes.
Developing story and character and keeping it funny is a challenging balance!
I guess I want it to be a sitcom, of sorts - it certainly is intended to be comical. If it has a soapy quality to it - I guess that could work. It would be reflective of how the characters see themselves, to an extent. A parody soap... maybe...

Toddb

There's an old Yiddish proverb,

"if someone tells you smell they're probably being rude, if 2 people tell you you smell think about it. When the whole village tells you, take a bath."

The criticism of this soap has been pretty consistent. I'd go off and start at the beginning.

Quote: sootyj @ January 4 2012, 8:05 AM GMT

Toddb

There's an old Yiddish proverb,

"if someone tells you smell they're probably being rude, if 2 people tell you you smell think about it. When the whole village tells you, take a bath."

The criticism of this soap has been pretty consistent. I'd go off and start at the beginning.

View original

Currently working on it Sootyj - hence I have not been posting anything new in critique - apart from to thank those generous enough to provide their constructive criticism on what is already here.

I find it very difficult to comment of sketches and sitcom scenes. Sometimes the comedy value of the written word is hard to put into context, unless it's a joke with a punchline. For instance:

DELBOY: Play it nice and cool son. Nice and cool, you know what I mean.

DEL ATTEMPTS TO LEAN ON BAR, BUT FALLS THROUGH THE GAP.

Will that make the funniest thing you've ever seen on TV ?

Quote: Park Bench @ January 4 2012, 10:17 AM GMT

I find it very difficult to comment of sketches and sitcom scenes. Sometimes the comedy value of the written word is hard to put into context, unless it's a joke with a punchline. For instance:

DELBOY: Play it nice and cool son. Nice and cool, you know what I mean.

DEL ATTEMPTS TO LEAN ON BAR, BUT FALLS THROUGH THE GAP.

Will that make the funniest thing you've ever seen on TV ?

View original

No.

Nope but you can see how it functions as a joke.

Clear set up visual punchline and humour coming from a sudden change in status.

In many ways its quite a perfect joke.

Quote: sootyj @ January 4 2012, 10:28 AM GMT

In many ways its quite a perfect joke.

View original

Tell that to Stewart Lee

I always thought that 'Got up this morning, button fell off my shirt. Made a cup of tea. The handle fell of my cup. Daren't go for a piss', was the perfect joke.

But what do I know? I do, however, know what I find funny. Being successful at comedy just means getting enough people to agree with you.